It’s time to really understand how addictions work.
Join Leah with Rabbi Luger—an addiction expert and Rosh Yeshiva. After our Get Real with Ora (whose husband struggles with a gambling addiction), we thought it’s crucial for us women to understand how addictions work, what goes on in a man’s head, and how a wife can best support her husband through his addictions. Rabbi Luger, with his depth and insights, has come on to help us understand.
What Lies Beneath the Behavior
We often wonder: Why can’t he just stop? Rabbi Luger explains that addiction isn’t simply a bad habit or a lack of willpower [01:24]. At its core, it is an unhealthy attempt at emotional regulation [02:14]. When an individual feels uncomfortable in their own skin, overwhelmed, or out of control, they turn to a vice—whether it’s gambling, alcohol, or even a smartphone—as a form of self-medication to fill that inner void [06:16]. Simply telling someone to “just stop” doesn’t work because removing the behavior without healing the underlying pain leaves them completely empty [10:09].
You Cannot Fix Him (And That’s Okay!)
One of the most freeing truths Rabbi Luger shares is that as much as we love our husbands, we cannot do their internal work for them [18:16]. Trying to manage, police, or rescue an addict only leads to deep exhaustion and resentment on both sides [18:21]. Genuine recovery can only begin when he acknowledges the struggle for himself and takes responsibility for his own side of the street [19:41]. Your role is not to be his therapist or probation officer, but to be a supportive partner who holds healthy boundaries [20:21].
Don’t Walk This Road Alone
Just as an addict needs a fellowship of peers who understand, wives need their own circle of support [24:38]. Programs like Al-Anon, counseling, and guidance from a trusted Rav can provide the clarity and strength you need so you aren’t carrying this heavy burden in isolation [26:14].
Hope and Light on the Other Side
If you’ve ever felt “second best” to your husband’s addiction, take heart: his struggle was never about you, and he isn’t choosing a vice over his family—he is battling an illness [29:15]. When a man embraces true recovery, it isn’t just about sobriety; it’s about becoming a more grounded, thoughtful, and connected husband [22:48]. With real guidance and Hashem’s help, there is genuine hope for a brighter, healthier tomorrow [33:34].
