Our guest is Ellie, who is married 11 years with three children (name and details have been changed). Ellie is the complete opposite of her husband; she is creative and her husband is organized and logical. Our guest complains that her husband doesn’t understand her. Her husband does not like when their house is in disarray, which it was in their early years of marriage, and they initially went for marital counseling. She complains that her husband does not validate her feelings. If she has an issue, her husband tells her she needs to solve it herself. Ellie said that her husband does care, however, he works on himself and expects the same from his wife. This wife admits that she works hard to not need her husband since she is afraid of feeling too vulnerable. When her husband has an upset or the house is messy, he acts distant; the wife is completely broken by that and finds it hard to function. Additionally, the husband makes judgment calls in Jewish law which the wife finds too lenient, because of how she grew up.
Question: What did marital counseling accomplish?
Guest: After marriage counseling, my husband decreased his demands a bit concerning tidiness in the home. However, I often feel emotionally lonely and only if I manage to let my guard down, we could connect with each other.
Leah: The homework I gave you after we spoke was to introspect to see if there’s something you might be doing which is pushing your husband away. Can you answer that?
Guest: I’m not sure
Leah: It is possible we do things based on our past history. We often recreate things from our past because the emotion is familiar to us. There is always one thing you can do to change the dynamic within your marriage, even if it’s just to bring your husband ice cream. Loneliness is common in marriage. People think that newlyweds have it made and that they will never be lonely again. That’s a fallacy! It’s normal to feel lonely and misunderstood in marriage.
Question: Tell us how it makes you feel that you and your husband are opposites.
Guest: It makes me feel distant and unvalidated in my marriage because we are so different from each other.
Leah: There is a huge expectation we have of what our spouses should provide for us in marriage. Our tradition tells us that G-d created men and women differently. Men are generally more logical and analytical and women are generally more carried away with emotions. A child benefits from having both a mother and a father. A wife generally has the sensitivity that her husband doesn’t. Why would G-d give 2 completely opposite natures to men and women when He could have made us the same? Obviously, it’s for a good reason, though we may not understand it, but we can come up with potent answers. Growing up, a child experiences both a mother and a father and experiences both logic and emotions. Additionally, you mentioned that your husband doesn’t understand you. Do you understand your husband and take out time to get him? When you come together as opposites, rather than being angry at your husband, ask G-d why He did this! Ask yourself what you can learn from your husband which can help you! After decades of marriage, a woman can be more logical and a husband can have more feeling, since the husband and wife were influenced by each other for so long. This is your opportunity to grow together!
Question From a Caller: Since you’re opposites, what attracted you to your husband originally?
Guest: I saw inner strength in my husband.
Leah: That inner strength you were attracted to is that your husband is a rock. A woman is compared to a butterfly since she is all over the place and needs a place to land, and a man is compared to a rock since he is solidly there. Rather than being angry at your husband, take pride and joy that your husband is a rock. When your husband doesn’t understand you, think that in return for a husband who doesn’t understand you completely, you have a rock.
Guest: How will that help me when I still feel alone?
Leah: A wife in the early years of marriage thinks that her husband should fulfill all of her needs. A woman has many deep emotional needs, which can be filled by friends. Keep in mind that you must never complain to anyone about your husband. Women need three different kinds of friends: 1) A friend who is older and wiser 2) a compatriot 3) A younger friend whom she can teach.
A wife places many of her needs on her husband. When a wife feels lonely, she is usually looking to the wrong person to fill her emptiness and is searching for emotional support which her husband perhaps cannot give. Our tradition teaches us how important friends are and even says, “Buy yourself a friend,” which means to give your friends gifts, make them kugels, and do kindness for them. Figure out what you can personally do to increase your friendship with someone. Going back for a moment, your husband is logical and you’re emotional and there’s a wall between you. Try to jump over that wall and see things from your husband’s perspective, instead of only expecting your husband to see things from your perspective. Your husband is a rock, which gives you the ability to be you. Our tradition teaches us the importance of having peace in the home. A husband is responsible for his wife’s emotional well-being. It is not the job of a wife to wag her finger and tell her husband what he should do. A wife’s job is to charm her husband into doing what his job is. Praise your husband and thank your husband for bringing stability to your life. An example is if your husband wants to get rid of the crib because it’s broken and you want to keep it. Acknowledge where you both are coming from and communicate. Explain that you have an emotional attachment to the crib because your babies spent so much time in it, but your husband is probably right in wanting to get rid of it, so tell him so. Go with strengths in marriage. When do you connect best with your husband? If you have a strong connection at the Shabbos table, then that is where joy will come from, so make the meal last. Can you do this?
Guest: Yes, I tried. My husband has a wall around him because he didn’t get love as a child. When I approach my husband and get rejected, it’s less easy to approach him again.
Leah: The work of your marriage is to love your husband more than your husband lets you. It will be challenging to break through your husband’s barriers. You have your own insecurities as well, and it’s a lot to ask of you. Just know that G-d doesn’t give us a challenge that we can’t handle. All of us carry baggage around and most people think they come from a dysfunctional family. You seem honest with yourself and you have an intrinsic quality to be able to reach out. You may not see results in the beginning, but your marriage is of utmost importance, so persevere. It may take years of selflessly working on this before you see improvement in your marriage. Also according to Jewish law, you should follow whatever customs your husband holds by, regardless of how you grew up. When a woman leaves her parents’ home, she must follow her husband’s customs completely, even if they seem too lenient for her. When the wife heeds this advice, she will see her husband as more of a man with a higher level of stature, and her husband will have more confidence. If the husband gives into his wife and follows her family customs, the wife could feel that her husband lacks a spine. Respect is not earned, it’s granted. Men need to feel they have control; they need respect like oxygen. If a husband feels he’s not respected or trusted, he will disengage. Another aspect of loneliness in marriage is to earn the closeness you so desperately need.
You said you were crushed and felt distant in your marriage. If you focus your energy on having a happy marriage, then you won’t let your feelings linger and fester. When you resolve these issues, you can move forward and earn closeness with your husband.
If women had been like the old days when most women back then were the very complete opposite of today, then many of us single guys would had met a real nice one at that time with no problem.