Do you ever wish you could interview a couple whose marriage just seems so ideal, so you could gain insights from them that you could apply to your own relationship?
In this episode, Leah provides that opportunity with wise couple Rabbi Reuven Epstein and his wife, Gitty, married for 15 years and founders of MarriagePro, an organization that provides classes and support for hundreds of couples who are married or dating for marriage.
Conflict Resolution
Leah jumps right in: how did you know how to resolve conflicts early in your marriage?
Rabbi Epstein: My wife and I had great role models in our parents. Also, I also tend to have a systemic approach to things, and from day one of our marriage, I was looking to define the parameters of the system of marriage both for ourselves and others.
Rebbetzin Gitty: All couples argue in some form or another. Resolving conflict in a way that is productive is a skill that can be learned. There is no perfection in marriage, on either side, so there needs to be realistic expectations and constant work throughout the journey.
Rabbi: Let’s lay out some principles:
- Just because you disagree on something, doesn’t mean you have to have an argument.
- Marriage is about connection, being one. It’s about taking your different opinions and working together to get onto the same page.
Leah: How do we get there?
Rabbi: The key is dedication. You are doing life together. The connection at the start of the marriage is very low. Real trust and respect take time to develop, so you work together to build them.
The goal is: One unit with two options, not two people with two options.
Rebbetzin: Look inward and see, is this issue about logic or emotions? Emotions can cloud things so they have to be dealt with before a solution can be found.
Rabbi: Usually, there’s a 30-second window when presented with a conflict to decide to embrace drama or solutions. It’s crucial to remember in making that choice: When a person is crying or yelling or complaining, all they’re really saying is “I want to be closer to you”. Men can be very emotional and sensitive too, so if you start everything with a compliment to build him up before you express your concern, you can frame it in: I want closeness.
Communication
Viewer Question: So many couples communicate primarily via WhatsApp or other virtual forms these days. Does this change how you teach them?
Rabbi: Absolutely. It can be so detrimental to a relationship to avoid face-to-face communication with your spouse.
Leah: So many questions I get boil down to a wife feeling misunderstood by her husband. How do you work on having empathy in your marriage?
Rebbetzin: Sometimes when a husband does reach out to try to understand his wife, it isn’t received well. Women have such a power to be a calming presence to their husbands. When he offers you something (especially something emotional), and you can receive it graciously, even when it’s not 100% the way you would have wanted it, this will lead to more giving and more connection. Anything you need to do to reach that place of calmness, do it.
Viewer Question: Often a woman expresses a need to her spouse, and he doesn’t get it so he ignores it. Then when the wife feels disrespected, the husband thinks it’s silly.
Rabbi: I don’t believe marriage problems are caused by a lack of communication. Just the wrong kind. When she sees he ignored her need, she has that 30 seconds to decide to express feelings gently (framed in appreciation or compliments) instead of attacking him. Marriages are built on 30 seconds over and over again.
Expectations vs. Reality
Leah: I feel that so many of today’s divorces are caused by unrealistic expectations on behalf of one spouse of the other. How would you address this issue?
Rebbetzin: Instead of judging your husband for not being how you expect him to be, or trying to fight it, learn to accept it and use it as a point to embrace and support him in it. Discuss his interests with him, even if you think they’re weird or even wrong. Stop trying to control him and shape to fit your expectations. Look at him like he’s the best thing that ever happened to you, and he will be.
Leah adds: Celebrate him for who he is, as he is!
Tune it at 30:32 for a hilarious story from Rabbi Epstein that illustrates this point!
Viewer Question: What if your expectation of your husband is a Torah-based expectation?
Rebbetzin: What are you going to do? Keep trying to change him and cram your ideals down his throat? As women, we can have such agendas about how our husband and our homes should be, but often they don’t match up with reality and only end up harming ourselves and our relationships. This is true even with Torah-based expectations. If it’s that important to you, choose a calm time to discuss with him lovingly and with empathy for his viewpoint.
Rabbi: The Torah has an expectation of your marriage to be strong. The Torah should not be an excuse not to have a strong marriage. Marriage is a journey: as you take a step, I take a step. If you take a step he’s not ready for, you are creating a rift in your marriage, which the Torah never wants. You can encourage certain values without creating distance.
Another point to remember: men run on respect, but also on accomplishment. Many men prefer to stay at the office more than at home, because they are craving the satisfaction of accomplishment. If women can help them feel accomplished around the house, they will be more inclined to spend time there. Men are very sensitive to feelings of failure and they will do their utmost to avoid being home if they feel like they’re failing there.
Rebbetzin: Just remember that a man might not get as much satisfaction from home life as a woman (versus work life). But the more pleasant you make the home environment, the better your relationship will be, and the more present your husband will be.
Leah: Another job for women!
Rebbetzin: Thank G-d, I am a very busy woman. I just had twins, did a major move, and I’m going back to work, on top of my 3 other kids, and everything else. I make sure I have household help because I need it. I make it a priority to constantly work on making the choice that will lead to a positive atmosphere. I also run everything by my husband and solicit his opinion on everything, to show my respect.
Rabbi: You are the boss of the house, so you set the temperature in the home. Monitoring your tone should be at the very top of your list. No one controls your emotions but you, so only you can allow yourself to act upset. Tune in at 48:04 to hear the Rabbi and Rebbetzin’s personal story perfectly illustrating this point!
Rebbetzin: This is not easy work, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
For another mind-blowing true story about the power you have to control your emotions and reactions to challenges, tune in at 51:50.
Good Advice
Viewer Question: What’s one thing a woman looking to improve her relationship can take on?
Rebbetzin: Smile! Make your first point of contact with your husband at the end of the day be a positive one.
Leah: What advice, 15 years in, would you give to your newly wedded selves?
Rabbi: I don’t like to live life looking through the rearview mirror regretting things. When I was in high school, I was coasting along, not accomplishing much. On the first day of 11th grade, which was in a new building, I decided to have a fresh start and really try to maximize opportunities in my life, take responsibility for my decisions, and listen to constructive criticism from others. So I came into my marriage with this attitude that I’d been working on since high school. There’s so much knowledge out there today about marriage that we can take advantage of. Hear it, implement it, and little by little it will change your marriage and your life.
Rebbetzin: Look at challenges as opportunities. We didn’t have kids for almost five years after we got married, and as difficult as that was, it was also an opportunity to really focus on our relationship and work on developing our marriage. It was also crucial having a good rabbi/mentor to help maintain that attitude.
Try This at Home:
Try to be aware of the 30-second window you have to choose your reaction to something that upsets you. Embrace solutions, not drama!
Additional Links:
- Check out the previous episode, where Leah talks with Rabbi Epstein about Reducing Tension in the Home
- Check out Rabbi Epstein’s full range of classes and materials: https://marriagepro.co/premium-course/
- Rabbi Epstein can be reached at email@marriagepro.co
