Rabbi Stulberger: In our marriage, we had to work at it, though we had the same goals. Even though I was a bit more of a natural communicator, we were in our young 20’s when we got married.

Rebbetzin: I’m more reserved. Though I don’t see myself as a big communicator, there is a constant procedure of when and how to say things, and I work on it every day.

Rabbi Stulberger: In terms of expressing ourselves, in our early years of marriage, we needed to judge what was worth not talking about. We needed to understand when to let things go and not be petty.

Question:  Was there a criteria you used to differentiate what to let go of in marriage?

Rabbi Stulberger: We’ve been married 44 years. Things which bothered me when I was 24 no longer bothers me now.

For example, I’m Hungarian and I like Hungarian food. During our first year of marriage, I wanted to eat foods which I was used to eating. My wife wanted to experiment with making new dishes.

Rebbetzin: I tried making new things. If my husband liked it, he ate it and enjoyed it, and if he didn’t, I wouldn’t make it again.  We’re just regular people who live our lives the way G-d wants us to live our lives.

Question: What gets easier and what gets harder as your marriage ages?

Rabbi Stulberger: What is easier is that I don’t sweat the small stuff … After 40 years, we have the challenge of keeping things exciting. Our vacations have all been the same for many years, and now we decided to go to Costa Rica since we need to try new and fresh things.

Question: Were you always on the same page with raising children?

Rebbetzin: We are on the same page, which is that our children were given to us as gifts from G-d. We treat them as individuals. One of our children enjoys listening to non-Jewish music, and we allowed it as long as headsets were worn. We agreed because we had a natural sense of children’s minds, since we’re both educators. Our children aren’t our “image machines” and we saw through superficiality. Rabbi Gifter, who was the Rosh Yeshiva of Telz, used to say that couples should have the goal of raising tzadikim (righteous) back in Europe. In today’s world, the goal is to raise healthy, well-adjusted children. Children need love and support. We collectively agreed on where to send our children to school and if we weren’t sure about something, we asked advice from a third party.

Question: Do you think that divorce is much more prevalent? Did you make your marriage work because you didn’t have any other choice?

Rabbi Stulberger: True. Divorce is a quick option when couples have a self-serving view. The Torah viewpoint of marriage is that it’s a “laboratory” for a husband and wife to work together to become  better people. We embrace difficulties. Too many couples are asking what they could receive from the relationship. Marriage is creating a unit beyond ourselves by working together.

Question: When your husband does something to bother you, how do you personally resolve it?

Rebbetzin: If I feel bothered by my husband in a small way, I look the other way. If my husband bothered me in a larger way, I will broach him to discuss it. I try to use humor. If my husband forgot to buy milk after I made the request many times, I might say, “How do you think cheerios & water tastes?”

Rabbi Stulberger: This is a real example. My mother wasn’t well and she lived with us in our house. My wife, as the daughter-in-law may have had a different approach than what her mother-in-law is used to. I remember feeling that we must go out and we discussed solutions without feeling anger.

Question: On date night, people end up arguing about issues which were saved to discuss at a later time. How do you balance relaxing together versus problem solving together?

Rebbetzin: Our children are all married now and are all away.  At one time, our children came back and were living in our house, so we moved out for a while to have peace and quiet.

Question: It sounds like this married couple naturally mesh together. What about other couples? Sometimes there was a spark, but at some point in the marriage, there are lots of altercations. How does a husband and wife get past that if they’re not naturally compatible?

Leah: Please share your journey, because people see a perfected product of 40 years of work.

Rabbi Stulberger: We both had special role models as our parents. My wife had the right sense of priorities and I had to push her to be more materialistic and shop for herself. It’s important to get down to the core of why something is important and why it might matter to you. In our marriage, we had a common vision, which helped. We both understood that marriage is about compromise and working on ourselves to become better people. If you have very passionate differences, you need to know why it even matters and why you’re so passionate about it at all. Is it about ego?

Rebbetzin: If you appreciate all the things your husband does for you and focus on the good, it will be good.

Question: What advice would you give to young couples?

Rabbi Stulberger: Work on yourselves before marriage. Recognize that life is about growth. Recognize that you’re not a finished product. Let the small stuff go and recognize the good. In marriage, it’s not me versus you. Marriage is about becoming a better entity.

Question: Knowing your work with your former students, what is the most common cause of marital friction?

Rabbi Stulberger: 1) People aren’t ready to acknowledge their own flaws and are not open to self-improvement. Both husbands and wives want to be right. 2) You must be careful who you’re marrying. There are many problems with addictions, reliance on technology, gambling, drugs, alcohol. There are so many underlying issues which can drag a marriage down.

Question: What is your advice for people already in challenging marriages?

Rabbi Stulberger: Husbands and wives need to be able to acknowledge they have a problem and seek help. If there is sincerity and a willingness to work on the marriage as a team, you are more likely to be supported.

Question: Regarding forgiveness, what is your advice for people who can’t forgive, after they have been asked to?

Rabbi Stulberger: Know that whatever did happen in a marriage, ultimately it’s all from G-d. Knowing it comes from G-d makes it easier to forgive and forget. Also, pray for help! Our emotions and attitudes are things we need to work on. It helps to have the attitude of Gamzu l’tova (this too is for the good). If your husband forgets to fill up the car with gas and you got stuck somewhere, our belief is that is where you were supposed to be since it happened. When all is from G-d, you’re on a different plane. You have to believe that you have a common history together and mission and see what you have accomplished together.

Question: Do you believe that a couple can make it work If only one spouse is on board with not getting stuck in the small details?

Rabbi Stulberger: To me, it would seem very hard. You have to find a way to get the other spouse on board.

Leah: There’s always something you could do to make a situation better, and it empowers you. If you cannot think of a way, ask a confidant to help you. Even prayer can help.

Rabbi Stulberger: I once bought my wife jewelry and didn’t get the response from my wife that I expected. I learned to ask my daughters to pick out jewelry for my wife.

Question: How does one not allow all previous gripes to bring them down?

Rabbi Stulberger: My student asked two wise people the same question of what the key to a happy and successful marriage is. The same answer was given, which is to have appreciation and gratitude for all your spouse does for you. Think what an incredible person you’re married to, and appreciate how much your husband does for you every single day.

Homework: One time this week, feel gratitude towards your husband – and even express how much you appreciate him! Enhance your marriage and improve your life and pray!