I married the wrong man- this one triggers me!
Join Leah with Guest Speaker Rebbetzin Shira Smiles. This show will shift your understanding of why your husband triggers you and guess what ladies…by the end of this show you’ll actually want to thank him for it. Sounds bizarre? I know, but the secrets here are mind blowing and will finally calm that inner voice that unkindly whispers “I married the wrong guy.” Listen in to see some major shifts in your marriage.
Points To Ponder:
- Listen in at timecode 02.00 for a fascinating secret about what the bedekin really means.
- Our conscious self marries our conscious self and our unconscious self marries our unconscious self. We marry each other for the entire package; both the revealed and the hidden.
- Growth in marriage is only through struggle.
- One of the greatest challenges in marriage is that one day we wake up and say OMG this is not the person I thought.
- We have a secular view of living happily ever after. There needs to be education that there are complexities with people and you will argue but you’ll survive. You’re marrying parts of a person you don’t know and the key is that you’re committing to them wholeheartedly, also those parts.
Questions:
How does a woman maturely deal with a husband who triggers her?
Awareness of why we’re here in this world. Western ideology is to enjoy and do whatever makes us feel good. We need to realize we’re here to become the better version of ourselves. Our triggers are designed for this purpose. It’s not about the person triggering us, it’s about us looking internally and seeing what I need to do to handle this trigger. That’s what marriage is about. We don’t work on middos enough, but that’s why we’re here. The people in our lives who trigger us are given as a gift to help us work on the middos that need working on.
How do you incorporate this shift?
- The first step is realizing that our spouse is the one meant for me. When we start comparing and looking around, we run into problems. Our mindset needs to remain that I didn’t make a mistake.
- If I’m in this world for me and to get what I’m entitled to, then we’ll always feel frustrated in every relationship. When we understand we’re here to be givers we look for opportunities to give. When we’re wired to help others, we feel fuller than we can imagine; this is what feeds our souls.
- People mistakenly think if they become givers, they’ll become doormats. You’re only a doormat if you make yourself a doormat. If you’re proud to be a giver, you’re someone who emulates G-d.
- It starts with the way we parent our children, e.g. if they need to take something into school, send them with two in case someone forgot. Walk down the street with them and find opportunities to help someone. It’s training us too.
- Our focus shouldn’t be what can I get out of this but the world was created through giving and that’s our sole purpose.
How do I practically become a person who is a giver when I’m so frenzied?
Stop being so frenzied. This idea of multitasking is a misnomer. If we’re in the middle of so many things, we’re not giving properly in any area. The secret is putting yourself fully into whatever you’re doing. Be mindful and present; this moment will never come back.
Give your full attention to your husband and your children, be present for them.
We get a lot of self esteem through accomplishing, somehow connecting doesn’t give the same satisfaction. What’s the fix?
The western mentality bases our accomplishment on external things without noticing the small moments of connection as accomplishment, we need to shift our minds and see that being present and giving truly of ourselves is true accomplishment and creates a different dynamic in our home.
Tamara: You said that we’re here to fix one midda, how do we know what that one midda we need to work on is? I seem to have a lot!
Whatever midda appears the most is the core midda, and this is usually what your spouse triggers in you. This is where the real work is.
Raizy: I can be calm on the outside when my husband triggers me, but what do I do with the bubbling resentment inside? I can’t seem to get rid of that.
This is true of all internal work. Do exercise or any activity that allows you to relieve the tension.
