Question: Why won’t my husband ever listen to me? When I tell him something about my day, he doesn’t act like he’s listening, and sure enough, he won’t remember anything I told him. He doesn’t listen and doesn’t follow through on what I ask him to do. Help!
Leah: Lots of wives say their husbands don’t listen to them. I have a question back to you: Do you listen to your husbands!? There are 2 kinds of listening problems which are described. Firstly, the husband above is not listening and does not remember what his wife said. The second issue is that her husband doesn’t follow through with his wife’s requests. Not listening is a lack of the husband’s skill, and he would need to improve that. There are some things the wife can do about that. When a wife complains a lot, the husband may feel there’s nothing he can do to make her happy, so why bother? Needing to vent is an inborn trait in women. A wife needs to raise herself up to be less of a complainer. More realistically, a wife should counterbalance her amount of complaining with the amount of compliments she gives. Additionally, if a wife needs to complain, she could start by saying that she needs to vent. A husband takes his wife’s complaints seriously and can think he’s not a good enough husband. The wife can warn her husband before she vents that she needs his emotional support and can ask him to say, “Oh you poor thing!” A wife needs to let her husband know that she’s happy in her life and happy with what her husband does for her. If the wife could look for and find good scenarios and say, “Life is sweet” at times, the husband will be able to listen more.
A husband needs the satisfaction that he is providing a good life for his wife.
Next, regarding the problem of the husband not following through with what his wife asked him for, that is fine on occasion. However, if the husband has a bad memory, he must fix that problem. A person feels invisible if they’re not listened to or heard. Husbands really want to listen to their wives; he could just be busy or doesn’t remember! Your husband is the single most important person in the universe for you, both in this world and the next. A notebook, a chalkboard, or an app can fix this problem. Those ideas show your husband how important he is to you by taking some notes on what he is saying, which will help you to remember. Your husband may laugh about these ideas, but he will feel important! A wife needs to listen to her husband as well. A husband can earn millions of dollars, but it means nothing to him if he can’t have an effect on his wife. Listen to your husband, take in all he says, and he will feel effective. By taking that advice, blessings will come into your home. Do not complain excessively to your husband; speak with a good friend or a Rebbetzin/Clergy instead. Concerning your husband not following through on what was asked of him, do you follow through right away when your husband requests things of you? If yes, and your husband still doesn’t do the same for you, have a conversation. Explain to your husband that you know he has other priorities, but it feels like he doesn’t care. Try to spin that without making him feel awful, and you’re more likely to succeed. You can say, ” I know you try hard to make me happy and we have a sweet life together, but there are times when I ask you to do things and I feel frustrated when they don’t get done. Some things are easy to do, but sometimes I feel like I’m creating a huge burden in your life. Why should you have to fix things when you come home? Maybe I could reduce something else in our budget so we can call a handyman.” A caller commented that there’s an app called GoogleKeep, which can share your needs with your husband, to avoid sounding like a nag.
Question: What if someone is divorced or widowed? Does their soul stay with their first husband or with their most recent husband?
Leah: I don’t have a definitive answer to this. There are some Rabbeim who say that the souls of the first spouses whom you raised a family with will stay together in the next world. However unanimously, whichever husband you’re currently married to, is where the blessing comes from. In terms of eternity, it is less definitive. The practical application is that in this world, take care of your husband!
Question: My husband brings me flowers every Friday, but never helps me, which is what I really need. Help!
Leah: Did you talk with your husband about this? Are you home with many children and your husband is gardening? Is Friday afternoon your husband’s only downtime? If so, it’s tough to ask him for help. People don’t realize that flowers take work. One needs to find a vase, fill with water, trim the stems to make them look presentable, etc. Perhaps you can give your husband the job to take care of filling the vase and placing the flowers on the table. Or perhaps you can say (at a different time, not when he just gifted you), that instead of flowers, can you put the funds towards hiring someone to help bathe the children. A lot can be solved with communication!
Question: My husband treats my children from my first marriage poorly. He is the stepdad, but he’s obnoxious. He doesn’t parent the children because they aren’t his kids. He even said he already has his own children and shouldn’t get involved with someone else’s kids.
Leah: Your husband should have said that before he married you. Helping to raise your children became his responsibility when your husband married you. There are some guidelines that can help. Have conversations with your husband and give him real compliments. Say that you like how well he is raising his own children and that he uses just the right amount of softness and discipline, or whatever you can find to praise him for. You can say that you know how hard your children are for him to accept, but if your kids got just a fraction of the amazing way he raised his own children, that would make you so happy. Find a way to reach your husband that can soften his heart. It’s different if a stepdad is not nice to adult children versus if the kids are younger. You may need to speak to someone wiser, or even a therapist. People usually don’t give someone their respect until it’s earned. However, our sources say that when you give respect first, then the person will live up to those good expectations. When you respect your husband, despite how despicable he may act, reward will come to you. You’ll be shocked at how strong you can be. When your husband is talking, don’t interrupt him and give him compliments, especially in front of others! He will eventually begin to earn that respect. The way to get your husband to respect you is to respect him. Our sources guarantee that if you respect your husband, there will be holiness and warmth in your home and that your husband’s heart will soften towards your children. Additionally, your husband will gain a new source of strength. Men need respect, just like oxygen. Women need appreciation and connection. If husbands don’t get respect, they’ll take it out on the first spouse’s children. There’s always something you can do, and you are empowered by that! You will see some improvement since our tradition works.
Question: Any advice to a couple who do not share the same politics? They have raised a family and have grown together, but they are misaligned on very huge issues, which cause tension. That tension is magnified due to this being an election year, as well as their empty nest. Tied to that, how can families avoid talking politics at a Shabbos table?
Leah: You must agree at all costs not to talk politics at the Shabbos table. If a husband and wife have opposing views on politics and their discussions get heated, then that topic needs to be off-limits in marriage. The best thing to do is to agree to disagree. If it comes up, you can say, “Would you mind not talking about politics?” You can repeat that as much as you need to and add that you want to have a relaxing day. While politics can lead to divisiveness, Torah learning leads to growth.
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