Are all men completely oblivious or is it just my husband?

Don’t miss this Deep Dive as Leah addresses viewer’s questions about husbands who don’t understand how hard their wife is working on the marriage, don’t understand their wife’s struggles or don’t understand how hard it can be to be a wife and mother! Friends, we understand you- it’s time to get the understanding you need from your husband too…

Viewer Questions:

Hannah: My parents favored my sister growing up- she got the clothes and the gifts and the quality time with my parents. She always had everything better in her life. Now we are both married and she got the better husband too. He makes good money, he spends time with their kids, he’s charismatic. I resent her so much and I resent my husband for keeping me stuck in this cycle.

Leah: Either this is entirely true and that’s a huge problem or it’s in your head nad that’s also a huge problem- both needs a therapist. Going with the former, this is hugely painful and can scar a person. It’s crucial for you to see a therapist to heal this pain. If after deep introspection, you realize it might be more a matter of your perspective, it would also need a therapist to make sense of what’s going on in your head. With introspection comes the growth and wisdom to understand how to react. Distancing yourself from your sister whilst you heal these wounds may be beneficial, especially if she exacerbates the problem. If she understands the situation then it may be helpful for you to keep her close. Try to focus on working on shalom bayis free from outside victimhood, try to focus on appreciating your husabmd and certainly not comparing him.

Ashira-Sara: I’m working so hard on my marriage and I feel like, no I know, I’ve come a long way. I asked my husband if he has noticed and he said no. I feel so crushed. I’ve been doing such hard emotional and physical work and I’m annoyed at him that he can’t even notice. What’s the point in it all?

Leah: Good on you! It’s really hard. I would tell him how hard you’re working and how it hurts you that he doesn’t notice- timecode 07:19 will show you how to share your hurt without hurting him! You need to elicit appreciation from him until it becomes more natural for him.

Miriam: My husband encouraged me to take an evening job. I don’t mind and I’m managing life fine but he complains to me that he ends up doing so many of the bedtimes. I suggested getting a babysitter but he got annoyed at my suggestion because what’s the point in me working to spend it on a babysitter. He wanted me to take this job and I don’t think it’s fair that he makes me feel guilty about it.

Leah: You’re right, you need to pose this to him and ask him what he really wants. Help him understand your predicament and ask him softly what he wants from you. Place it back in his lap for a better solution.

Yocheved: My husband prefers to be alone as he is very introverted. I accepted that at the beginning of our marriage but now that we have kids, things are so different. He is always escaping to the bedroom or the car to get away from the kids. When he is with them, he is kind and loving but his default is always to get away from them. He only likes to spend time with me and our marriage is fine, but I feel it’s so damaging and am worried about the psychological impact this is having on our kids.

Leah: The good news for you is you don’t need to worry about the psychological impact. If you have shalom bayis, they’ll be ok. Introverts are often great for kids to have conversations with during the teenage stage. If the relationship is being affected negatively and he has an adverse, unhealthy and friction-filled relationship then a therapist is needed. But if the relationship is fine but he just needs them less, this is not a problem. Our mesorah says that most of child-rearing is shalom bayis. Timecode 13:35 will show you how to use your bina yeseira to think of creative ways he can spend more time with them in a way that he enjoys. This is the father they got, let it be.

Toby: I’m a stay-at-home mother and I feel fortunate to be home to raise our kids. sometimes after a long day at work, my husband will vent about his long day and I will about mine- with which he’ll respond- “I don’t get it, you’re home all day, why are you tired?” It’s very condescending and hurtful. I don’t feel valued.

Leah: Timecode 15:52 will show you how to pose this question to him but in a softer way! Words from your heart will go to his heart.

Shana: I’m new to all this shalom bayis work. Can you give me one small action I can do which will bring about change in my marriage?

Leah: Start with not interrupting him. The reason is because so many things are attached to this- the more you listen to him, the more connected and respected he will feel. It will train you that this is your king and your children will look up to him more.

Devoiry: I like to wear make-up and feel feminine but my husband doesn’t like it. I know that I should be doing what my husband likes but it’s conflicting so much with my feminine nature. I’ve spoken to him about it a few times, and done what you say about putting the problem in his lap, and whilst he is usually easy-going, for some reason with this he will not relent. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want me to look my best and I’ve been feeling so upset and distant to him.

Leah: Firstly, do you apply make-up heavily? Is it possible he would like a more natural look, and you can compromise? If your style is already natural, then maybe a compromise can be that in the house you won’t wear anything but out the house you wear a little. Work with him on this to find a solution that will make you both happy.

Esti: My husband puts his arms around me and things like that, and as the kids are getting older, I don’t think it’s good for them to see it. He doesn’t agree and thinks it’s fine. I don’t know where to go with it.

Leah: When you speak to him about it, what is his stance? If you haven’t yet had this conversation, have it when you’re in a harmonious place to hear his goals and then express your concerns. Be on the same page about making the right thing both of your priorities. It would be prudent to seek da’as Torah.

Chayalah: I bring in a lot more parnassah than my husband and I feel like my husband feels jealous because he minimizes what I do. We can’t afford for me to quit. I try to give him the say in how we spend our money but all in all it’s a very sensitive subject. I feel stuck. What should I do?

Leah: Your work seems to be so good for the family so I’m not sure why he would belittle this. Introspect, as perhaps your husband is belittling you because he feels belittled, so examine if there is anything you might be doing that makes him feel demeaned. If you’re certain this is not the case, then listen in at timecode 28:56 to hear how to handle this.

Try This At Home:

One time this week do a beautiful, kind act for your husband.