How is it that sometimes something is SO important to you, yet your husband just doesn’t get it?!

Join Leah as she continues Chapter 8 of Marriage Secrets with pages 183-186 and lets you in on more communication secrets to help you get your feelings heard- even the tough ones!

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Chazal(our sages) teach that words from the heart of the speaker enter the heart of the listener. Planning what we want to say, making the environment safe and using soft language will enable this to happen.
• Soft language includes saying things like: “Would it be possible,” or “What do you think about…”
• Respectful tones and soft language demonstrate that we are giving our husbands the control, which in turn leads him to bend his ear to us.
• If we slip up, we can instantly remedy it by saying: “Oops, can I start that again?”

Viewer Questions:

Rachel: I have a cat I really love. My husband does not like her and the feeling is mutual. The other day he scared her and she scratched his hand. He threatened to put her out on the street. I want to make my husband my priority, but I’m afraid if I have to get rid of my cat, I will always resent him for making me choose between them. How can I communicate this to him?

Leah: I totally get it, this is so hard, but even so, your closeness to your cat is making you less close to your husband. Your deepest mission in life is to take care of your husband and to come close to him. You’re right that this may lead to resenting your husband, so the remedy for this is to think: if I asked G-d what I should do, what would He say? Your immense sacrifice for the sake of shalom bayis (marital harmony) is huge will be noted in shemayim (heaven).

Shana: My issue is working up the nerve to even use soft language to speak with my husband, because I’m so afraid of rejection. How do I know if I’m walking on eggshells to a healthy degree or to an unhealthy degree?

Leah: This is a case of trial and error- look back at what has worked in your marriage and keep a journal of what works in your trials. Pulling back on any micromanaging behaviors will make soft language more successful. Walking on eggshells is good far more often than not- we need to be so careful how we speak to everyone, our husbands most of all.

Dalia: If something is one of my top 3 needs and I know if I ask my husband in soft language he won’t think twice and tell me he wants to do it the easy way which doesn’t fulfil my need. Can I tell him this is what I need, instead of asking if it is possible?

Leah: Listen in at timecode 20:16 for an example which will perfectly put this into perspective!  Even with deep needs, using soft language is the best way to get those needs met. If none of the soft language techniques work, timecode 21:33 will show you how to have a heart-to-heart conversation that should work. But beware- make sure you truly understand your needs and have accurately clarified what your top needs are.

Roni: I am the opposite of controlling; my husband is actually pretty controlling. Do I still need to speak with my husband with soft language when he knows my innate nature does not want to control him?

Leah: Control is usually a top issue in marriage- good for you that it’s not your issue. I would still use soft language because Chazal say it’s the best way to speak and there’s really no downside.

Leora: I am not the soft language type naturally. I tried saying, “Is it possible…” but I guess it didn’t sound sincere and my husband said, “Who do you think you’re kidding? Don’t even bother!” I know it will take me a while for it not to come out sounding awkward and he gets so annoyed in the meantime. I feel like giving up.

Leah: This needs a heart-to-heart conversation- 24:48 will show you exactly how and when to say it. It doesn’t need to be a long discussion, just plant the seed and leave it to percolate, rather than trying to hammer it in.

Meira: How do I know when to speak up with my husband or not? When do I know if I should try to let things go, or bring things up with him?

Leah: If you’re talking about big things, you need to set aside a time. For smaller things, plant a seed and only revisit it if it’s clear after time has passed that he didn’t get it. Give a lot of thought to how you want him to hear the message.

Try This At Home:

One time this week when you are about to jump down your husband’s throat, use soft language.