We all have a list of wants in our marriage. But how do we get them? Is there such a thing as wanting too much or the wrong things?

In this episode, Leah continues Chapter 4 of Marriage Secrets with pages 73-74, to help us gain clarity about this universal issue so that you can feel satisfied like you never have before!

Tune in for the first 4 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:25!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• Getting what we want won’t make us happy.
• Getting a few of our emotional needs met by our husband will make us happy.
• To do this, we must understand the difference between our wants and our needs.

Viewer Questions:

Chani:  I want a happy marriage, which involves my husband getting his act together. I don’t want an exotic vacation or diamonds (although those would be nice!). I simply want my husband to help me in the house and to do his part so that we can have a good relationship.

Leah:  Do you know what your needs are? If help was the only thing you could get from him, would that be what you would choose? We’ll get to how to clarify your needs a bit later, but it involves making a huge list of wants, crossing out nonessentials, and prioritizing what’s left till you have a top 3 that really resonate with you as needs. You’d be amazed how your level of satisfaction will go through the roof once you have your top 3 needs met.

Rachel: Do you think marriages today are happier than in the past? These days we have issues of equality, instant gratification, high divorce rates…but maybe marriages today are more love-filled than the arranged marriages of the previous century.

Leah: This is a broad generalization, but it’s possible that there is more focus now on communication… but also it was a lot simpler life back then, so it was easier to be satisfied. The real answer is that it’s above my paygrade. For you, ask if your expectations are in line with what will bring you happiness. Tune in at timecode 9:52 to hear Leah elaborate on this! So much of a happy marriage is about toning down expectations and being present and knowing this is what Hashem (G-d) gave you and it is all tailor-made just for you.

Sara: What is the real difference between happiness and contentment- are they not used interchangeably?

Leah: Different people probably define them different ways. Happiness can be Disneyland and contentment can be a wonderful Shabbos (Sabbath) table. Contentment is what is more satisfying, lasts longer, and is the real goal. It also involves feeling grateful and being present.

Ella: I agree with you that there is instant gratification nowadays. My husband asks me what I want and what would make me happy all the time. All I want is to be left alone. Is marriage for everyone? I feel like I won’t ever be happy being married.

Leah: I feel the pain in your words. There is no quick-fix for this. It needs to be explored as it sounds like a deeply rooted issue. Therapy, or even a clergyperson, can be so helpful in this type of situation.

Tali: How do you decipher between what you want and what you need? Sometimes it’s hard to tell!

Leah: Excellent question! We tend to treat our husband like a vending machine and it’s impossible to for him to give us everything we want and at some point he may stop trying. Do the list I spoke about to Chani at the beginning of this episode.

Some things will immediately stand out to you as a nonessential want. You prioritize your needs by holding one up to another one and measuring between two and then ordering them accordingly. Your top three after all that is really all you need. Just work on lovingly communicating those three to your husband, at a calm time.

Miriam: Aren’t wants and needs often interchangeable? What if they overlap? If we achieve what we want and need then we can be happy and content.

Leah: This is an error. Until you separate the two, you cannot get validated and get the connection you need to feel satisfied. Tune in at timecode 23:32 as Leah explains this crucial concept with a Torah source.

Yonah: My only need is attention. I don’t want anything. I just want his time. [Our schedules never match and we hardly see each other.] My love tank is empty. How can I continue living through this cycle?

Leah: Good for you for recognizing your deep need. Now you need to figure out the best, most effective way to communicate it to him. Timing and soft language are critical for discussing any emotionally charged issue. Describe the problem, put it in his lap, and brainstorm solutions together. You might be surprised at what you can come up with together!

Try This at Home:

Start working on your list of wants. You are on the path to contentment!