Do you ever feel like your marriage is all on you? Like you’re the only one putting any effort into your relationship? Is your motivation sagging? There are excellent reasons for all of that, and you’re in the right place to get the scoop!
In this episode, Leah talks with a secret guest (complete with voice synthesizer for anonymity!), Ricki, married 17 years with 6 kids, to explore the ins and outs of these issues.
Ricki has a good marriage overall, but there is some underlying tension that is really affecting her. She tries to maintain her equilibrium even when her husband is upset, but it builds up over time, especially since her husband doesn’t always think to show his love and appreciation, which she knows he feels.
Leah: There’s a whole chapter in the book Marriage Secrets on soliciting the appreciation that EVERY woman needs in her relationship. Appreciation doesn’t have to be spontaneous or coming from a deep well of emotion. It’s awesome if it does, but it’s hard for a man to think to do that, especially on the level we all need. So we need to solicit it:
“Honey, it would help me so much to feel even more connected to you if you could leave me a little note every once in a while, telling me how much you love me and appreciate me. Is there anything I can do to help you feel my love more?”
Ricki says in the past when she expresses her needs, her husband has called her selfish.
Leah responds:
Tell him, “You and I are one neshama (soul). So when I am selfish, it is for your benefit as well and the benefit of our relationship.”
Tune in at 15:02 to hear a beautiful, personal story from Leah illustrating this point!
Oftentimes, men don’t naturally know how to respond to us in the way we need. We need to communicate our needs.
“It would help me so much if when I tell you about something that upset me, you could just say ‘That must have been so hard. I’m sorry you had that happen to you.”
Some men might think you’re trying to control them if you tell them what you need them to say. Explain it to them:
“I don’t want to be controlling, I just don’t know any other way to meet my needs. Can you think of a better way? I want it to work for both of us.”
Women need to learn to be vulnerable- it will bring you more closeness and help your husband fulfill your needs!
Ricki: Sometimes when I express my needs to my husband, he acts like I’m overly needy and unreasonable.
Leah explains: G-d created women to need support from their husbands. A marriage is supposed to be interdependent. Try to get as much of your needs met elsewhere (girlfriends, journaling, etc.), but at the end of the day, it’s your husband’s job to meet your needs and it is valid for you to express those needs, without blame, so that together you can decide how to make it work.
Tune in at 33:57 for another Leah story that proves this point!
Remember that in order for your husband to hear you, you need to make the conversation a safe space without judgment or blame. Also, remember that it’s your job to figure out what his needs are, just as it’s his job to meet your needs.
Ricki: I don’t always agree with how he handles things with the kids. He tends to lecture them.
Leah: The man is supposed to balance our femininity by being on the harsher, stronger side. We do not want to repress or undermine that, because there will be many times when you will need him to be that rock. We are not always correct about the right way to do things. That’s why G-d gave us a spouse.
Open your eyes to what your husband brings to the table and bolster him in those areas. You aren’t supposed to do everything, so support him in the things he is doing instead of trying to do them yourself, your way.
It’s hard to almost always be the initiator in working on the relationship, but that’s the way Hashem (G-d) made it. When you decide to embrace that role using the tools above, it is guaranteed to increase YOUR happiness!
Press the arrow on the bottom right to scroll up and watch the whole awesome show!
Try This at Home:
Plan out one way you will solicit appreciation from your husband in a way that works for both of you.
Additional Links:
Here are a couple of shows related to this topic- it is SO relevant!
