Do you also hyperventilate when your husband is a few minutes later than he said he would be?
It’s time for a quick break from Chapter 9 of Marriage Secrets for a Q&A with Leah as she delves into questions about a wife who shares too much or a husband who shares too little or how to handle a husband who comes home agonizingly later than he said he would.
Viewer Questions:
Rivka: I don’t think I share enough with my husband because I’ve heard from friends that they’re always crying to their husbands, and I almost never do. I’m just not the crying type and I’m not that emotional. Truthfully, I know I haven’t been vulnerable with my husband in a long time. But our relationship is great, and we both feel close to each other. Is this something I need to work on?
Leah: It’s good not to be a complainer. Crying to him is not the ideal but communication can include complaints as long as they’re not in a morose fashion. “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it,” just question yourself if you’re able to share fully with him. It’s beneficial to increase your question asking to increase your closeness.
Gitty: My husband and I had a difficult decision to make and after some intense conversations, we decided to go with what I wanted, even though I said that I would do what he wanted. But every time anything comes up connected to the decision, my husband gets upset because he doesn’t think we made the right choice and he resents me for “making him feel like he had to choose what I wanted.” I feel very hurt and it keeps happening.
Leah: The question is did you bully him into your perspective or was it thought out and joint. Be honest and if you think you controlled the situation to the point he had no choice, that would explain his resentment and push back. If so, then admit that to him. But if you feel it was joint then what he’s doing is not fair and this needs to be discussed. Tune in at timecode 03:02 to hear how to have the discussion whether it’s you in the wrong or him in the wrong.
Jasmine: My husband has complained that I unintentionally ignore him and its true. He’s just such a big talker that if I’m busy with something or distracted I unintentionally block him out and don’t even realize. How do I work on this?
Leah: Good for you for owning it. Explain to him that you want to listen fully, but you have a smaller capacity. Ask if it is possible to have shorter conversations in order to stay focused. Hand the problem to him to help you figure out how you can be there for him totally without hurting his feelings.
Shalvi: My husband’s mother does everything for his father and I mean everything! Do I have to do the same or can I find an equilibrium?
Leah: This depends on your capacity, the logistics of your life and the work division in your home. If you’re both working full time and it is not possible, or even if you’re not working full time but it’s not possible, then you need to have good communication about it. Timecode 06:56 will show you how to acknowledge his mother yet be honest about your capabilities.
Mindel: My husband doesn’t handle stress well. Whenever things go wrong, I always have to be the strong one he leans on and I’m starting to resent never being able to lean on him. When I try, it just stresses him out even more. What should I do?
Leah: There are two aspects here. Firstly, you think it should be different and you shouldn’t have a husband who leans on you. Your expectations and reality are misaligned, for which there is only one solution: ask yourself why Hashem gave you this man and dig deep to see the benefits. Secondly, consider if there is part of you and your trauma or drama where you never get to lean on anybody or where you may feel superior or get credit for martyrdom. Look into yourself instead of demanding too much on him. Maybe more self-care and hobbies will detract from the heaviness of this issue you’re feeling.
Devorah: How do we work on not getting annoyed by certain attributes of our husbands that bother us, like tardiness, laziness etc? Are we supposed to communicate how we feel, or just learn to love and accept them?
Leah: The good news is that learning to love and accept them is the best way to change them. The blanket rule is to accept, accept and accept him and that this is the man Hashem gave you. Then figure out how to creatively work with this. Maybe a lazy husband can teach us to be more productive or more relaxed. There are always actions you can take but the main point is to accept that this is the way it is, without forcing him to be different. It is valuable to introspect and get creative.
Ronit: How do I know if I’m being an overbearing wife or if am acting normally? My friends and I never discuss the details of our marriages so I wouldn’t know. I get worried when I don’t know where my husband is and it’s getting late, and I always end up calling him to see where he is, and he ends up telling me he feels trapped and that I sound like an anxious mother. Am I crazy?
Leah: A husband has a halachic (legal according to Jewish law) obligation to tell his wife where he is at all times, (check this with your Rabbi,) and you need to sweetly give that over to him. It’s an intrinsic need which men cannot understand. Listen in at 16:36 for a generalization which will make you giggle and feel completely validated and understood.
If this is bordering on being controlling, it is not for this arena and a therapist is needed but a general knowledge of where he is, is simple derech eretz (common decency). Timecode 18:05 will show you how to increase his derech ertez in a way you won’t be decreasing yours!
Sarah: I try to be very loyal to my husband and think I am pretty good at it. My husband is too, except for one thing. When his parents are around, he always takes their side. He has incredible kibbud av va’em (respect for his parents) and I think it stems from there. I would hate to hurt him because he takes special care in this mitzvah (good deed). How do I discuss it with him without hurting him?
Leah: This is a beautiful question except that he’s breaking a halachic obligation by taking his parent’s side over his wife’s. Show him how inspired you are by his mitzva (good deed) but give over sweetly that when he takes their side it really hurts. This needs to be said in a way that he hears your pain without feeling chastised and then hand the problem to him.
Try This At Home:
One time this week step out of your normal way of interaction and think to yourself what can I do to make him feel supported in this moment?
