People nowadays are spontaneous and free…are you seriously telling me to plan my conversations?! How old-fashioned is that?!

Join Leah as she continues Chapter 8 of Marriage Secrets with pages 194-196 and clarifies perhaps the most crucial part of communicating for results- this is must-see!

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Having covered How to say itand Outcome desired of H.O.T, we are now up to Timing.
• Timing is possibly the most crucial aspect of communication- timing is everything!
• The more forethought, the better the discussion will go.
• Always ask yourself: “Is this the most productive time to bring up this issue?”
• Listen in at 02:02 for a whole bunch of timing trusty top tips!
• It’s helpful to give your husband a heads up about any discussions and ask him when is a good time for him. That way he won’t feel tense that you might spring something on him at any point.
• Prioritize the important issues, not everything needs to be discussed.
• Planning the communication helps to ensure that the serenity in the home is not disturbed.

Viewer Questions:

Tovie: My husband has been so bogged down with work recently and comes home really late. All he wants to do is plop down on the couch, watch TV and then go to sleep. He’s sweet to me when he walks in and is grateful when I hand him his dinner but then we almost hardly speak until we go to sleep. I totally understand that TV is mind-numbing, and a quick escape from the daily grind, but I can’t help but feel a little badly that he would rather watch TV than sit down and hang out with me. Am I being too sensitive and should I just let him do what he needs to do to unwind? We do spend time together on Shabbos. Thank you!

Leah: Have you spoken to him about this? You worded it very nicely, so now take the problem and put it in his hands. Ask him how this can be resolved, or if’s it possible that instead of two hours he could watch for one and a half hours. It’s a tough call distinguishing between winding down and addiction, a therapist might be needed if it’s the latter. Either way, your approach and timing are crucial. You know your husband best but what you said sounded like a beautiful communication to me. Tune in at 09:19 to hear how to recognize your husband’s need to unwind whilst guiding him to recognize your need for connection. Your needs balanced with his needs brings closeness.

Menucha: My husband has so much on his plate that I feel like I don’t want to burden him with my problems. Should I be sharing my problems with him or should I find a friend or sister to share them with? Our time together is so limited anyway- maybe it’s better to share only the good and keep our conversations light and positive?

Leah: That’s kind, but you also want to feel like you’re going through life together with him. It’s a balance and whilst you don’t want to burden him, you also want to be real with him and to open up to him. It’s also useful to use this as an opportunity to need his advice, which is connecting.

Dana: When I express my anxiety regarding our financial situation with my husband, he gets really stressed out. But I feel like I shouldn’t discuss finances with other people because its private, sensitive information. I just feel like I need someone to vent to about it. What do you suggest?

Leah: Good question but keep in mind the outcome you’re after. Some conversations about finances and budgeting can be productive but in general, you’ll bring more bracho (blessing) into your home by showing him you’re happy with your lot. Watch our show How To Make Your Husband Rich! I also don’t think it’s a problem to discuss finances in a general way with friends. The fact he gets stressed out is perhaps the indication not to discuss this with him, listen in at 18:09 to hear how to get his support without making him anxious.

Shayna: My husband often complains to me about my social media use and it really bothers me! I don’t want him to be my policeman, or my Rabbi. I’ve told him so many times to stop mentioning it to me. I really try to not be on my phone when he is around and only when I’m alone. But it still bothers him that I’m on it in the first place. If this is such a big deal to him, do I need to cut back? Even if I love social media!?

Leah:  Know yourself and what you would find supportive -listen in at timecode 22:10 to hear communication at its best! Gedolim (great Rabbis) do recommend minimizing social media, so it’s certainly worthwhile to work on this.  It’s a process so be patient with yourself and set reasonable goals.

Try This At Home:

One time this week when you are feeling frustrated about not being able to communicate with your husband, sit down and write out how you can communicate that thing in a way you can be heard.