I’m a great listener but when my husband listens to me, it’s in one ear, out the other!

Join Leah as she continues with pages 217-219 in Chapter 9 of Marriage Secrets and listen up to make sure you’re really connecting.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Connecting with our spouse starts with communication.
• Usually, communication is associated with talking but this is wrong as communication should be listening. A wife usually has so much to say she misses her husband’s desperate need to be listened to.
• Listening to our husbands allows him to give to us and invest in us. The more he speaks, the more his love will grow and the harder he will work to make us happy.

Viewer Questions:

Tikvah: I don’t feel comfortable having conversations with my husband since we have a history of our discussions turning into arguments. I am really trying to let go of control of our past conversations because he used to be criticizing and controlling. How do I fix this?

Leah: Criticism and control point to a need for therapy; you need a third party to learn to communicate. The most important thing is that it needs to be clear that it’s not okay that you and your husband aren’t communicating. Maybe buy some books on communication or meet with a Rebbetzin to get communication suggestions. Lack of communication is a lack of closeness and without that, the role of marriage isn’t being fulfilled.

Tanya: Listening to my husband doesn’t feel like HE’s giving and investing in me! It feels like ME giving to him! If it were up to me, that’s not how I would choose to have him give to me.

Leah: Some husbands give and give but the wife just wants him to do something different. You need to learn to receive all his attempts to give to you and he’ll work harder at making you happy. Listening to him, which is an act of chesed (kindness) in this case, is a very rewarded chesed. He’ll feel closer to you and satisfy you more.

Sahar: With everything going on with the war in Israel, my husband and I have been glued to our phones and haven’t been connecting much. There’s just been a dark cloud over our heads. What do you advise us to do during this difficult time?

Leah: It’s a difficult time but Hashem certainly doesn’t want us to be moping. Many Gedolim (great Rabbis) say not to watch the news as it can be so depressing. You shouldn’t be connecting to the news at the risk of connecting with each other. Putting the phones away and spending that time together, growing this crucial relationship, would surely bring more shalom (peace) into the world and possibly help the situation much better.

Reena: How do I get my husband to share with me more? He has his best friend and his Rav who he confides in instead of me, and it’s so hurtful to me. My husband said he doesn’t feel satisfied when he confides in me so he would rather discuss other things with me instead. But isn’t vulnerability the foundation for closeness? I’ve asked him how I can work on myself and he said I can’t, it’s just the way it is.

Leah: What I see here is expectations versus reality. Firstly, recognize that it’s an attribute that your husband has this Rav who helps him. Secondly, I’m not sure you would enjoy knowing about all of his weaknesses, it is preferable for him to have that outlet and come back to you strengthened. Possibly your expectations of what closeness should look like may not be realistic. Perhaps you could shift your mindset so that whatever he is sharing can be enough for you.

Reva: I am a really good listener (my husband has told me this many times). But I feel like so much of what I tell him he just doesn’t hear or remember or care about. I’m starting to resent it!

Leah: Listen in at timecode 19:06 so you can judge when your husband’s lack of listening skills are considered terribly consequential or terribly trivial. Maybe his memory isn’t great and you simply need to jog his memory. Don’t be mad at him (it’s not his fault, he’s male after all!) just remind him. It may be frustrating but reminding him without taking it personally and without getting mad will be more beneficial. Remembering it’s how G-d made him may help the tension dissipate and ease things up. It needs a lot of patience, but resentments can often be removed by shifting our mindsets.

Merav: My husband doesn’t feel the need to connect. I feel like as long as he works and gets fed and has his relaxing time on his phone, the rest of us could just disappear. If I try to open a conversation, he acts annoyed that I’m interrupting his down time. Should I just accept that this is how he is?

Leah: This needs a heavy-duty conversation, but not in the middle of his downtime! Tune in at timecode 22:36 to hear how to communicate that you’re feeling invisible without him wishing you would be! Maybe prepare a list of suggestions of ways to connect and put them to him. It is also worth introspecting if there are past patterns of feeling invisible which predates your husband which needs to be explored.

Try This At Home:

One time this week when you are feeling frazzled and busy, carve out a chunk of time to listen to your husband talking.