Does it ever feel like you’re always walking on eggshells with your husband?
Join Leah as she continues Chapter 8 of Marriage Secrets with pages 181-183 and breaks down potential pitfalls of communicating so you won’t be left with egg on your face!
Leah’s Points To Ponder:
- So much pain is caused because we feel we have to be open and get it off our chest, yet we only end up hurting people.
- Hashem has given us the power of speech; we need to train ourselves to use it effectively.
- Comforting, soft words bring connection and can create a new reality in our home.
Viewer Questions:
Ruchama: I feel like if I have to keep H.O.T. in mind, I’ll feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around my husband. Will the rules of H.O.T. get more natural with time so I won’t always feel this way?
Leah: You should always walk on eggshells around everyone and think about what you are saying before you speak. It’s acceptable and pervasive in the world not to walk on eggshells but your neshama (soul) craves closeness with your husband and watching your mouth is the optimal way of getting there. It is simply the right thing to do and you will see the benefits- try it!
Leora: I use the tools of H.O.T. but my issue isn’t the quality of how I communicate but the quantity: I always want to talk things out. My husband is the opposite. How do I learn how to rein it in a bit so I don’t overwhelm my husband, but also feel heard and understood by my husband at the same time?
Leah: Prioritize your communications! Listen in at timecode 10:11 to hear how to pace yourself to keep your poor husband sane! You could also have a conversation with him acknowledging that you share too much and ask him about his preferences. The more you prioritize and limit, the more attention he can give to the more precious areas.
Rivky: My husband has expressed to me that he prefers when I say serious things to him in a more jokey way. The only issue with this is I have no clue how to do this! When I try, I always sound so ridiculous and what I’m trying to communicate backfires. Should I just give up and try to use H.O.T. instead? Or should I keep trying because this is what my husband wants?
Leah: This needs to be a conversation with him so you can put the problem in his lap. Show him you’re willing to try but you need his guidance.
Debbie: Is there a difference between walking on eggshells to make sure you don’t hurt someone and walking on eggshells because you feel like you might set them off and you feel uncomfortable sharing?
Leah: I would always err towards walking on eggshells, since you can’t take it back if you don’t. This is a big challenge that you have been given- G-d obviously thinks you’re awesome! Your avodah (inner work) is to figure out how to connect with your husband and share yourself with him without setting him off- timecode 17:59 will show you how to approach this!
Toby: Occasionally I have these really bad days where I’m super exhausted and burnt out. When I come home, I just don’t have it in me to think so much before I speak. Do we get ‘free pass” days where we don’t need to be as careful as we usually are? Can I just communicate this to my husband beforehand?
Leah: Communicating beforehand is great when you know you’re going to have a tough time. Timecode 20:24 will show you how to help him to help you. Create a logistical environment that will help you. Snapping and yelling can be SO damaging to the closeness in your relationship. In any case, if his home isn’t safe, he’s unable to give you what you need, so on all counts plan better and communicate better!
Try This At Home:
One time this week, when you know you’re going to have a challenging situation, plan ahead the logistics so your stress level is ratcheted down, so you don’t snap.
