What an awesome show we had with our VIP Guest, Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein. Talk about the perfect person to have for the launch of our VIP Chat with Leah show! So what did Rabbi Wallerstein and Leah discuss? Read on for some incredible insights every parent (and wife) should know!
Leah started with: What is the single biggest mistake parents are making with their children today?
Rabbi Wallerstein responded: We don’t give our children enough time. We give them a lot of things, but time is what they want. We can’t live one more second after our time is up & time is the most precious thing G-d gave us.
Leah wanted to know practical advice on how to find the time for this relationship with our children when we live such frenzied lives?
Rabbi Wallerstein answered: The time we give our children must be focused time. Parents take their children out to eat, but they are on their phones the entire time. Children need to know how important they are to you. Even if you have only ten minutes to give, make it focused. All relationships are based on time. It’s unusual these days for the whole family to sit down to mealtime together, but that’s how it was years ago, and it’s a good recommendation. Taking your family out to dinner doesn’t necessarily translate to the child that you love him/her; it translates that you love the family. Children need and must have individual time with you. There is a very wealthy Jewish man whose mother survived the holocaust, having lost her husband and all eight of her children. She remarried and had this one son. He made millions of dollars and has his name on numerous buildings. With all his success, it has still bothered him to the core that his mother never said she loves him. This man received reassurance on his wedding day from his dad of how much his mother loves him and it was explained that his mom cannot convey it because of all she lost. This very big man who seemingly has it all was not at peace without his mother’s love. Three days before his mother passed away, she finally told him that she’s proud of him. Those simple words did wonders for him. He said they meant more to him than all the money he’s ever made. We need to realize how impactful our words are to our children and families.
Leah explored further: Please give us some practical relationship pointers because it’s hard to suddenly change our habits.
Rabbi Wallerstein suggested: The most important time for a child to see his parents is when he wakes up, when he goes to sleep, when he gets on the bus to school and when he gets off the bus after school. Lots of children have anxiety leaving the house due to various circumstances, such as bullying. A maid should not be the one to bring a child to the bus. These recommendations are important when a child is young. Once a child is older and strays off the path of their family, they may angrily express, “Now you’re giving me attention? Now you’re taking me to a hockey game? Where were you when I needed you?” You must figure out how to make time, even if it means getting less busy for other things. You dreamed about having children and you cannot abandon them. The Shabbos table must be a happy and positive place. NO criticism. Children criticize themselves enough!
Leah asked: Do you have advice for women who aren’t happy with their lives because one of their children has strayed from the family tradition?
Rabbi Wallerstein responded: It has been said that you’re as happy as your unhappiest child. The nature of a woman is to take the blame, and it’s the nature of a guy to blame her. Adam was the first person and when G-d asked, “what happened,” he said, “she made me do it,” so it started there! You just have to love your child, pray, and do the best that you can. Yitzchak Avinu (Isaac) & Rivka Imainu (Rebecca) had an Asav. Was there something wrong with Yitzchak Avinu (Isaac)? And what better mother was there than Rivka (Rebecca)? Moses was the greatest leader; he had two sons who didn’t become leaders. A woman blames herself for all relationship problems, even abuse. A woman is an emotional person, and it’s not her fault when her children stray. There is no one reason why a child strays. It’s the same with a serious illness such as cancer; it’s not always a simple reason to figure out how one got sick.
Sarit wanted to know: What is the connection between children who stray and an unhealthy marriage?
Rabbi Wallerstein shared: Not a happy home, not a happy kid. A healthy marriage is mental health. If you don’t have a healthy marriage, you’re affecting the mental health of your children. People want a relationship with G-d, but you first must have a relationship with a human being. However, know there are other reasons for a disconnected child. So just because you didn’t have the best relationship with your husband does not mean you are to blame for your child that strayed.
Leah dug deeper: What is the greatest challenge that parents face today?
Rabbi Wallerstein emphasized: Technology! No one is present when you’re tuned in to your phone. There are porn sites, evil talk, the news, hearing about death and other tragedies, and you don’t live in this world anymore. People aren’t talking to each other. Depression, drugs, suicides, anxiety, eating disorders in the previous generation wasn’t prevalent, https://holisticdental.org/klonopin-for-anxiety/. All day long, people are interactive with emails, texts, WhatsApp, Facebook, etc. Especially kids. Then they come into class and there’s no technology there, so they’re bored.
Leah wanted to know: What are some solutions?
Rabbi Wallerstein answered: You as a parent should give up your phone. “I have a flip phone!” Rabbi Wallerstein’s daughter wanted a smartphone when she was in High School because everyone had one. He told her that he is super busy and he doesn’t have one. Until she graduated, she didn’t have one, because he set the example. During the Sabbath, we don’t use electronic devices. The younger generation of today has a hard time without interactivity during those 25 hours. The Sabbath is taking a beating that it never took before, and there is no easy answer. In Utah, there are 7 rehabilitation centers for technology addiction. Technology is a problem the whole world is grappling with.
Leah wanted to know more: What are your thoughts on the core of a woman’s self-esteem? How does a woman feel good about herself?
Rabbi Wallerstein responded: Spend time with yourself meditating on what you accomplished today. You’re a woman, you take care of a family, you brought children into this world. Even if you’re not a mother, think of the positive you do. Think about what you did not do good that day and figure out how to change it. Falling is not failure, not getting up is failure. There are those who are depressed that roses have thorns and those who rejoice that thorns have roses. Rabbi Wallerstein wrote a book, “Let There Be Rain.” It’s a Lesson a Day on Gratitude.
Leah added: All blessings come from G-d to the husband, and then to the wife – so a wife must grow herself to become a vessel for blessing. A person’s livelihood is tied with how happy his wife is. The wife is the vessel that brings success into the home.
Rabbi Wallerstein continued: There’s a Talmud that says on three things a husband should listen 100% to his wife: 1) Who his friends are. She has intuition and if there’s something about a potential friend that she doesn’t like, listen to her! 2) Business. If there’s something about the deal which bothers her, listen! 3) Where to live. Even it makes no sense, listen to your wife! If you take any man with good character traits and any woman with good character traits, they can be happily married. The epicenter of a healthy marriage is about getting pleasure by seeing each other happy. Attraction is important, but it’s not what keeps the marriage going. If you each focus on your spouse, you will have an amazing relationship with amazing children. If a wife is happy shopping, even if she doesn’t find anything she likes, it should give the husband pleasure. If your husband is happy watching football, that should make you happy, whether you understand the game or not. If that doesn’t make you happy, there’s something in your relationship that’s not right.
Leah asked: How can a couple figure out what’s wrong in the relationship if the relationship doesn’t make them happy?
Rabbi Wallerstein responded: It is the person’s traits. It says in the Talmud that people would much rather go to a funeral than to a wedding. Why is that? We don’t truly want to rejoice with others. When we go to a wedding, we may have thoughts that our own relative isn’t married. When going to a funeral, we tend to think that they’re unluckier than I am. It’s a human trait that we must work on. If I will do anything for you to make you happy and you will do nothing for me to make me happy, it’s abuse. Both of you must be on board to make each other happy!
Leah wanted to hear more: How do parents raise children who have the kind of character traits you’re talking about?
Rabbi Wallerstein: Set an example. Give the other person your time.
Leah wanted more practical tips: Please give us advice about date nights in a marriage.
Rabbi Wallerstein expounded: Date nights should be fun. Don’t talk about serious problems when you go out; that can be accomplished at home. If you have to be on your phone, even when you’re with your spouse, then you need some help. You need to know how to communicate. Compliment your family. Rabbi Wallerstein’s dad had no friends; he said his best friends were his family. His family was his future & investment in life. He took his children on trips, to sports games, etc. A woman makes a blessing each morning that “G-d made her in His will”. The biggest Rabbis in the world cannot make that blessing. A woman is able to nurse so she’s a nurturer, she has a womb so she’s a creator, and she’s a protector (“the mother lion”)! G-d Himself is a nurturer, a creator, and a protector. So the will of G-d is woman, the way He physically and emotionally created her. Each morning, she should be thinking, “I am G-d’s will, now what am I doing today?!” You must look in the mirror and be very proud of yourself. We all have flaws, but we can and must correct them. We are talking a lot about husbands and children, but if a woman doesn’t spend time with herself, even 5 minutes, she will have no idea what she’s doing.
Leah asked further: Please give us insight into our relationships with G-d. Women sometimes feel like a frenzied mess and don’t feel a connection with G-d.
Rabbi Wallerstein suggested: Talk to G-d for 5 minutes each day. Outside of the siddur (prayer book), He wants to hear from you. G-d wants us to laugh, to cry, to speak, to love, to talk to Him. There are so many people with problems. If you don’t speak with your parents, then it’s harder to speak with G-d. We have 613 commandments. Does G-d really care about all the details? Why 613 rules? A relationship is based on time. G-d came up with 613 ways for us to spend time with Him. When you tie your shoe, He is there. When you put on your jacket (it can’t have wool or linen), He is there, Shabbos with all of its details, He’s there with you, you’re eating and keeping the dietary laws, He’s there with you. That means He loves us. The fact that He gave us fruit, money, a house, those are things. Whatever you do during the day, G-d is with you, such as praying, learning, sleeping (which side to sleep on). Judaism is not a religion, it’s a relationship, and so too with marriage. When you call your wife in the middle of the day for no reason, that means you love her. There’s a prayer called Mincha in the middle of the day, and it’s a relationship with G-d when you have to drop everything to have these few minutes to pray and have a relationship with Him. Women are better at relationships than men, and they’re much more connected to G-d than men are. If a person finds it hard to communicate with G-d, then she didn’t know how to communicate with her parents. Which we see, since children are not learning how to communicate anymore — it’s cellphone, texting, short-hand communication.
Leah wanted to know: How often does a couple have to go on date night?
Rabbi Wallerstein responded: Once a week, but we should want to, not have to! The following is a good idea: Put your phones away when you go. Another good practice is to not have phones on the floor where the bedrooms are.
Leah ended with her final question: What do you suggest If someone did not have good communication with their parents?
Rabbi concluded: You must get help. Learn how to listen. You do not always have to be right. Rabbi Lam taught: He never gives a class without receiving a blessing from his wife. Why is this important? Because if the wife gives a blessing, she’s invested in the class. This is advice I give to Hatzlacha members (EMT). It’s hard for most family members when the dad gets the emergency call and must run out in the middle of conversations. Ask your family for a blessing that the person who you’re running to save should live and that you should be able to save them; then your family is there with you in the ambulance! You can give blessings to your children that they not get bullied, that they guess the right answers on tests, that they like their lunch, and give blessings before going to the doctors, etc. It will become a house of blessings when everyone gives each other blessings! A house where everyone blesses each other, everyone will be happy.
The Ranch @ Beth El: Many years ago, Rabbi Wallerstein realized that there were no Jewish kosher residential mental health rehab centers available to treat girls. These girls were forced to be in an environment, which they didn’t understand, which made it even more traumatic for them. Three years ago, Rabbi Wallerstein created an all-girls Jewish ranch. This is for girls who are depressed or suicidal, some have eating disorders, some have experienced sexual abuse. The best therapy is equine therapy, which is done with horses. It empowers the girls and gives them back control through controlling the horse. The girls and the horses have a special relationship. The ranch is in New York with over 18 acres. Many different types of therapies are offered. If you would like to help, the costs are $15,000/month to treat one girl. They cater to girls ages 16-23. There are five girls waiting to get into the ranch right now who cannot pay. Visit ohrnaava.com for more information. The Ranch has been successful in helping girls the whole world has given up on. Please help if you can!
Homework for this week:
1) Remember you’re the nurturer, creator, and protector. That’s how G-d created you.
2) Sit for 5 minutes every night and figure out your aspirations, what you did or didn’t accomplish today.
3) Give each one of your children a hug and kiss every night and tell them they’re the most important part of your life.
4) Men also need compliments and it means a lot to them. Say, “I’m the luckiest person that I married you!”
