We all want so much in life- but what do we actually NEED?

In this episode, Leah continues Chapter 4 of Marriage Secrets with pages 78-82, and breaks down how to clarify what you truly need so that you can start getting those needs met! You NEED to watch this episode!

Tune in for the first 12 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 1:09!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• Do you value something because society told you to, or is it part of your own deep truth?
• Clarify your deep, true needs:
  • Make a comprehensive, unfiltered list of your desires.
  • Remove “wants” from your list- is this really essential?
• Tune in next week for more on narrowing your needs!

Viewer Questions:

Chaya: I can relate so much to your story. How did you realize what you were missing and needing in that moment?

Leah: Good question! The truth is this is something that had been gnawing at me for some time- understanding who I really am. One of the main things the Mussar (self-improvement) masters teach is introspection. In that moment, what I really wanted just came together.

Esti: Does this mean that I won’t be getting my wants fulfilled anymore?

Leah: Yes! No, not really. The thing is, that getting your wants taken care of is the dessert. You want the steak and the rice and the salad to be really filling and delicious. Tune in at timecode 17:00 to hear a great example from Leah. Wants will never give lasting satisfaction. Only getting our true needs met can bring that fulfillment.

Orah: Can I change one of my innate needs? I’m a little bit ashamed about it.

Leah: It’s hard for me to answer that without knowing what the need is. A woman’s needs can change over time, depending on what stage of life they’re in. Tune in at timecode 19:41 to hear a true story about a woman with an “embarrassing” need who did this exercise! Don’t judge yourself- take care of yourself!

Rikki: I don’t have so many needs, but my husband does. He’s very needy. How do I communicate to him in a productive and positive way that his neediness is not healthy for our relationship?

Leah: Fantastic question! Just so you know, his neediness is the reason you were put on the planet. Taking care of his needs is your whole job in life. G-d created him that way to bring out the best in us. So embrace your role and focus on what you can do. Write down his needs so it will be easier for you to meet them. It will bring you so much closer to him when he sees how important his needs are to you and that you accept him for who he is.

Faigie: Practically speaking, I know what my needs are, but sometimes life gets in the way and I’m exhausted from daily routines. How do I keep my real needs in mind and not get lost in all my wants that come from trying to cope with everything that’s going on?

Leah: Excellent question. We are living in the most frazzled generation since the beginning of time. The Mussar (self-improvement) masters teach us to make charts and lists and reminders and whatever we need to focus on what we really want to focus on. Tune in at timecode 27:21 for an example! The more you understand your needs, the higher your chances of getting them met.

Rikki (follow-up on needy husband Q): If one of his needs is just so foreign to you, how do you get to a point where you can just accept him and accept it and just get over yourself?

Leah: Rikki, type in what the need is. We’ll come back to you when we hear from you.

Leah (viewer): I’m very emotional and my husband is more intellectual, so it’s hard for him to understand my language.

Leah: I don’t know why G-d made so many men primarily rational beings and so many women primarily rational beings, generally speaking. But this combination provides balance and it’s our job to bridge that gap and grow towards each other.

Rikki (follow-up on needy husband Q): My husband works fulltime, and from the time he gets home to the time he goes to sleep he “needs” to be on a screen. I have a very hard time respecting that need.

Leah: I don’t know if that’s a need or a want or a habit- it’s really hard to judge. Are you judging him for needing it? That’s not your business, unless it conflicts with your need to schmooze with him or some other need. In that case, you need to have a heart to heart at a quiet, calm time. Communicate your need lovingly and ask if it’s possible to work out a compromise where you both feel satisfied. But you don’t get to judge how he spends his time.

Try This at Home:

Start writing or typing a list of anything and everything you want and need. Start crossing out the things you know for sure aren’t needs- we’ll continue prioritizing you list next week!