Episode 94 Toxic Resentments

Warning- acute toxicity bottled up inside!

Join Leah as she continues Chapter 11 of Marriage Secrets with pages 269-272 and addresses how to handle a build-up of resentments, overcoming cyclical anger patterns and communicating hostilities to a man who doesn’t get it! It’s detox time- listen in to find your remedy and cure yourself of those toxic resentments.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• We are so overwhelmed which causes us to feel more aggravated by certain people.
• It’s easier to make allowances for our own errors but we can get so irritated when someone else errs.
• This is partially because we carry around so many other resentments.
• Even if our husband apologizes, (rare- I know!) but we still have so many unresolved conflicts that the apology doesn’t mean much.
• We can’t reach true harmony in our lives with so many resentments under the surface.
• We push things under the rug and then wonder why we trip over the rug.
• It’s time to clean the slate, remove the lumps and let the harmony in!

Viewer Questions:

Shauna: What if I’m too resentful to even want to let go of my resentments? I feel so hurt from all the years of little resentments that have added up.

Leah: If you knew there was a guaranteed way to get on the other side of these resentments, why wouldn’t you want to. Sit steady, strap in and you’ll see this from a different light. Stay tuned.

Avigayil: My husband is so fragile and any time I try to bring something up he takes it so personally. I have tried communicating nicely -the way you teach in your book- but he still takes everything personally. How can I get him to toughen up and take it like a man?

Leah: Listen in at timecode 06:58 to hear a powerful question you can ask in a fragile way. Try to understand if this predates your marriage but show him you want the ability to share your feelings and ask him what he needs from you. Take the problem and put it in his lap and see if he can resolve this for you but take responsibility for how you’re communicating.

Yocheved: How do we know when to clean the lumps and when to be m’vater (give in)?

Leah: The first step is to see if you can be m’vater. Check in with yourself and if you are not emotionally charged then let it go. Even if you are, still try to let it go. Also, think of any times he has been m’vater for you and this might soften you. You can make more shalom (peace) in your marriage by thinking of spiritual or psychological ways to forgive, such as thinking that if you forgive your husband, Hashem might forgive you. If you can’t then plan effective communication.

Tova: My life is so busy; I don’t have the emotional energy to do this process of cleaning the lumps. It’s much more tempting to just fake it till I make it. Is this unhealthy?

Leah: It seems like you’ll be carrying too much. When you start the process of coming to harmony, you’ll realize that there are actually not so many things which are causing lack of closeness. It might seem like hassle but there’s more closeness available and you’ll be surprised how little work it actually is. If it’s a particularly busy time, then shelve it but come back to it and deal with it- you’ll only gain.

Galya: How do we get over the same type of resentment that occurs again and again? Every time my husband leaves the house without a care in the world, I feel a pang in my chest because I wish I could just walk out of the house like that, but I take care of the home and our children.

Leah: I think your question is a misunderstanding of what’s really going on and a mindset shift is needed-listen in at timecode 17:55 for the mindset refresh button helping you shift from resenting to respecting.

Chana: What’s the balance between knowing when to communicate things and when it’s disrespecting him. Using your example, if I feel he’s on his phone too much, isn’t it disrespectful to tell him this? Isn’t it better to work on my resentment rather than disrespecting him by communicating my issue?

Leah: It’s a balance. If you’re often nagging and bossy, then yes, it will seem disrespectful. But if you mostly show him respect there is space to kindly say this to him. Timecode 21:12 will show you how to say something potentially disrespectful in the most respectful way.

Aviva: My husband feels resentful of me, for feeling resentful of him. He feels he’s always trying to make me happy, yet I still get resentful of him, and in turns he feels resentful. How do we stop this cycle?

Leah: It sounds like a competition of who can feel more resentment. Be the one to break the cycle. Express your concerns about how unproductive this cycle is and ask him to brainstorm with you. Timecode 22:46 has some productive tips for how to end this unproductive cycle. It’s important to make the switch from what can I get to what can I give.

Penina: I try to communicate my feelings, but my husband has zero empathy or understanding of my needs. is the only remedy to speak to him about it or will I get the same healing by talking to a friend about it?

Leah: If it’s about a husband then its loshon hora (gossip) to speak to a friend, unless the friend is a wise and subjective Rebbetzin. Share small resentments (which aren’t about your husband) with everybody else, don’t burn out your husband with it. The Torah teaches us to make ourselves a friend, this is very crucial, but make sure if they’re there for you, you’re there for them. It’s great to let off steam to anyone other than your husband!

Miriam: I’m such a people pleaser, especially when it comes to my husband. I don’t hold my husband accountable for much, and in turn I don’t get resentful which is great, but my husband takes advantage of this unfortunately. As a result, I am very overworked, overtired, and burnt out from carrying too much responsibility. My mother has commented on this multiple times and it’s embarrassing for me. What do you suggest?

Leah: Stop talking to your mother! A gadol (great Rabbi) said that divorce rates are so high because of parental intervention. A mother is someone you trust, and she has no right to say it even if it’s true, especially at the expense of shalom. People pleasers get perks to this midda (trait), so I don’t think it’s bad for you. It’s only bad if you feel (not just because you’re told) resentful and timecode 32:12 will show you how to communicate in a way which will still please. If you are overworked and overtired, you need to make time for downtime.

Try This At Home:

One time this week when something is bothering you think of 5 effective ways to communicate it.