The Soul of Marriage With Guest Expert Yehudis Golshevsky

Today’s show featured esteemed Guest Expert, Rebbetzin Yehudis Golshevsky, Director of Shiviti, a woman’s education network. It’s time to understand the soul of marriage and how it can improve your relationship.

What Do Soulmates Mean And How Can We Use This To Better Our Marriages?

Leah begins with the first question: What do soulmates mean and how can we use this idea to better our marriages?
Rebbetzin Golshevsky responds: There’s a lot of misunderstanding about the issue of soulmates. The Arizal, a leading Rabbi and Kabbalist from the 1500’s, lived in Safed. The fountain of Jewish mysticism is rooted in his ideas. If people wanted to know the root of their souls and what they’re in this world to fix, they would go to The Arizal. A husband once came to him whose marriage wasn’t peaceful. Anything that he said, his wife refused him; anything his wife said, he wanted to refuse her. He complained that he and his wife did not get along and that his home was a battlefield. The Arizal had the capacity to see into this man’s soul and understand its needs. Much of what we experience in life is indecipherable realities, and can be traced to reincarnation. People had experiences in a past life which went unresolved and now there’s an opportunity to resolve them. The Arizal said the last time around, this man made his wife’s life difficult by being terrible to her, and that he now has a great debt to pay; in order to facilitate that repayment, his current wife was giving him a hard time. In this frame, the wife is the difficult one, but before this reality, the husband was the difficult one. The fact that this husband is suffering in the marriage is related to the fact that he caused his wife suffering earlier. The husband asked for help to resolve this. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov said that genuine suffering emerges from lack of awareness. Pain is visceral and quantifiable. Suffering, since it’s more internal, can be without end. Genuine suffering comes from a place of existential suffering, a place where there is no feeling of purpose; it’s also a feeling of abandonment. That means that if we all had an understanding of the meaning of our pain, it would alleviate a great proportion of our suffering. Suffering is part of the process of healing, which is necessary. The Arizal told this husband to go home and make no waves. He was told that anything his wife does which is difficult for him, accept it and keep in mind that she is repairing your soul and to be thankful to her. The husband was told not to mention anything about his visit to the Mekubal. This is a difficult story, because this wife was abusive. Be careful with this story, as people should not stay in an abusive marriage, thinking they’re repairing their soul. The husband then went home and any time his wife chastised him he just answered, “yes dear.” In order to stay in conflict, two conflicting parties are needed. When one spouse stops being involved in conflict, it destabilizes the relationship. The wife got confused and suspicious and stated she was being set-up. Again, the husband was told not to mention anything. However, the wife pressured him and he finally explained to his wife that she’s repairing his soul. She said in anger, “I’m repairing your soul?! From now on, I will be very nice to you instead!” The wife suddenly stopped arguing with her husband! The husband went back to the Arizal and asked, “Where’s my tikkun? My wife is no longer in conflict with me. How will I get my soul repaired if she’s not an obstacle anymore?” The Arizal explained to the husband that he finished his repair and that he should go home and live in peace. He did what he had to do and it’s resolved.

She Finally Met Someone Who Is A Perfect Husband For Her

I have a friend who suffered from constant, undiagnosable and untreatable pain, who was in a very difficult marriage. She left her husband and moved away with three children. Additionally, she was alone and her ex-husband did not take any financial responsibility for her or the children. She suffered pain prior to this, but her pain became worse. This woman raised her children as a single mother in the chassidic community in Jerusalem and was a newcomer to that lifestyle, so she didn’t have any family connections or support network. She was in constant pain and had great stress over her financial situation. Each of her three children turned out lovely and well-adjusted and are now married and living wonderful lives. Over the years we have had so many conversations, as I tried to support her and help her through her reality. One day I floated this idea to her as a theoretical: She was not raised observant and has raised her children successfully. Many people who have come from much more secure backgrounds with more resources at their disposal, did not come out in a spiritually and emotionally thriving state, but she managed to do so. Every factor which went into the raising of her children appeared to be set against the result which she got. I asked her that if someone had given her the choice all those years back and that she could do it all over again but knowingly, to trade away her own body, it’s health, it’s pain-free state, it’s proper functioning, in order to come out of this life with her three “diamonds”, would she? She answered, “In a heartbeat!” I do not have divine inspiration, but I would imagine that something similar actually took place here, because it doesn’t make sense that she succeeded in perhaps the most important endeavor of her life and even had another failed marriage after marrying off her three children. She finally met someone who is a perfect husband for her and she no longer suffers from pain, which was not due to medical interventions. It seems she finished her tikun (spiritual repair) which clearly needed to be completed. she probably has other things to do now, presumably she does; if you’re alive, you have work to do.

G-d Is Educating Us In Everything, All Our Relationships, Especially Marriage

G-d is speaking to us and educating us in everything, including all our relationships, especially marriage. The great sage, the Chofetz Chaim, said that relationships exist in concentric circles. The inner circles are the people closer to us. One of the paradoxes of life is that it’s very easy to be in great relationships with people in the outer circles. It’s increasingly more difficult to be in a great relationship with the people in our inner circles (our husbands, children, and parents).

In the first story, the fact that the husband is on the receiving end is very instructive. The paradynamics of relationships in those days, the husband was assumed to have the upper hand physically, financially, and socially. The assumption of Jewish life and Jewish law in those days followed that if a wife wants a divorce, she probably had a good reason. If a husband wanted a divorce in those days, he probably wasn’t suffering; he just wanted something new. So when this husband went to the Arizal, he could have easily liberated himself from the situation and divorced his wife. However, marriage is in the innermost of one’s personal world, and that’s where the real work is being done. That’s why the real blessing comes from making peace. When things are good, they’re good. When marriage is difficult, there’s almost nothing as painful as when it’s not working as it should. There is nothing as glorious and as delightful as a marriage that works well.

The Essence Of Marriage Is That You Have Someone Else’s Soul In Your Hands

The definition of soulmate is the best-suited person with whom you can live the purpose of your existence. Every soul comes into the world, but ultimately, the universe was created to reveal G-d’s attributes in the most refined fashion. So too, a person is descended to this world to reveal all of its attributes, qualities, characteristics, and potentialities in the highest fashion possible to come to wholeness. One of the paradoxes of our lives is that we could be out there in the world doing a lot, such as saving lives in the Emergency Room, and you could experience a challenge at home which seems so much smaller. The essence of marriage is that you have someone else’s soul in your hands. What is the implication of that? Something which your husband says, can hurt you very much and a husband can hurt his wife by saying something harshly. However, it’s easier to ignore what a stranger says to you at the grocery store because that person isn’t with you at the place where you need to fulfill the purpose of your existence. You have someone else’s soul and heart in your hands and that is a huge responsibility.

I tell new brides that when they get married, they have a delicate bird in their hands, which could be dropped or crushed, harmed, or nurtured. The stuff which comes easily to you is not the fulfillment of the purpose of your existence. In this world, everything counts only by what you see. An accomplishment is only called an accomplishment when you have a tangible result. For the soul, in accordance with the effort is the reward. Sometimes there’s no observable result. It seems that working in the ER is harder work, but for that same professional, if their husband says something to her and she doesn’t react that could be her highest spiritual moment, which deserves the standing ovation.

The Soul Of Marriage Is On The Inside, Where The Work Is Being Done

The soul of the marriage is on the inside, which is where the work is being done. Most times, this inner work doesn’t bear tangible results. What this work can amount to is a very private moment, even an instant, which you have between you and your Creator.

I was working with a husband and wife who were about to get divorced. I talked to each of them individually and observed them together. My assessment is that the groundwork of their goals was not worked out and they had no clue how to be married. The elements this couple was missing could not be gained immediately. Marriage requires a certain amount of work, investment, and commitment. I told this husband and wife that neither of them has the tools necessary for a happy marriage and asked them if they were each going to divorce and marry two different people and proceed to make their lives miserable as well. Their problem was at the core. To my objectivity, I saw they were definitely a good pair, but that they didn’t learn the tools to work well together. It is possible to be so adversarial because whenever you have two souls together, each soul has different egos and different purposes and tend to have friction, which is normal. Getting married puts you on the same side together with the rest of the world on the outside. Marriage brings financial pressures, pressures with children, losses, gains, better health, worse health, there’s a lot to contend with together and then you’ll get old, https://suriaplasticsurgery.com/valtrex-valacyclovir/.

The biggest gift in marriage is that you have a partner, an ally with whom you get to journey through the rough terrain of life. You each have resources that the other doesn’t have and you’re not alone. Together as a married couple, you can accomplish things, which are not possible for each of you alone, and that is called a happy and productive marriage. It’s common for wives to think they married the wrong person and that they want a divorce; only after the divorce they’ll be married to the one they didn’t have their children with. We know there’s a mitzvah of divorce and closure exists if the possibility of the marriage is not a viable one.

Unless you spent one solid year in therapy and it’s still not working, then you are able to consider that route. However, divorce entails two different homes and all the implications of that.

A young woman who wasn’t married for too long told me that marriage has been challenging for her. She said that right before she got married, she felt she was in a good groove, that she was fulfilling her potential, she felt close to G-d, and all was in place. Then she got married and her life “crashed” and it wasn’t what she had expected. She thought she was patient, but discovered she was impatient; she thought she was tolerant, but discovered she wasn’t; she thought she was considerate, but discovered she wasn’t. What happened? Before she married, she didn’t have a relationship that was in close enough proximity to be able to do the work which was essential for the fulfillment of the purpose of her existence. Everything is illusory. Before marriage, you get along well with your friends, your siblings, etc. Why? Because they’re in the outer circles around you; it’s not “in” with you.

The Wife Is A Part Of Her Husband’s Body

In a Torah framework, the wife is called the remnant of his flesh, part of her husband’s body. That means in many Torah legal contexts that there are things that a husband can do for his wife that go beyond being able to do something as a proxy for somebody else. A man is not a proxy for his wife in many instances, because she’s not considered to be a separate person from him. Husbands and wives get touchy about this because they feel separate and they accomplished so much individually. So this new wife thought beforehand she was in a good place and she discovered she’s not. She didn’t discover something new. G-d is revealing to you the places you need to do the work via a specific soul who has the capacity to motivate you into the work you need to do.

When people search to get married, they’re looking for certain criteria which is important to them. However, when they get married, they will find out things about their spouse which weren’t obvious to them, because it couldn’t be obvious, since circumstances arise only in a marriage. Remember, if you didn’t have those good solid reasons for entering into the marriage, you wouldn’t have gotten married. If you knew ahead of time the growth which was awaiting you, you might have been intimidated to take the next step. So what does G-d do? He gives you ample reasons to marry each other. You wake up one day and think you’re impatient and that your husband needs a lot of space and time to make decisions, and you think it’s a “mismatch,” but really, it’s a MATCH! Why? He needs to adjust to me and I need to adjust to him. The place where you need to come together is in your efforts, which is not necessarily in your external accomplishments; it’s overcoming self transcendence, which creates something larger than yourself, and that is the soul of marriage. That is growth at its core!