Ever feel like your husband is telling you something and you don’t know what to respond? Wouldn’t it be great to wave a magic wand and have all the answers?

Join Leah as she continues Chapter 9 of Marriage Secrets with pages 220-223 and shows how questions might just be the answer.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• The key to connecting is listening and when our husband feels heard we reap so many benefits.
• The essence of the power of speech is the strength to refrain from speaking.
• Sometimes it’s hard to remain silent but the zchar (reward) is commensurate with this effort.
• There is nothing like a wife being a calm, supportive listening ear as a balm for her husband after a hard day.
• Often the way to encourage our husband to share is to ask questions.
• When we listen to our husband and ask him questions, he feels close to us.
• Remaining silent requires effort and practise.

Viewer Questions:

Chaya: I try to show my husband I’m listening by asking him questions to show I’ve understood but he gets frustrated that I ask him so many questions. What should I do- nod silently?! How do I get that balance?

Leah: Be careful that you’re not cutting him off with your questions, and that the questions are not accusatory- this could explain the frustration. It may be helpful to tell him that you’re asking the questions because you want to be closer to him. It’s also possible that perhaps he is defensive from questioning because of childhood patterns. Explore every angle and keep working on it as the reward of closeness is huge.

Hadassa: My husband complains that I’m too quiet! Truthfully, I am often worried to say the wrong thing so I choose to stay quiet instead. After hearing this chapter, is this a good thing?

Leah: It seems like our mesorah (tradition) indicates that silence is a good thing, but if your husband feels you’re too quiet, ask questions. In any situation in life, asking questions is often the secret to getting closer to people as it makes them feel cared for.

Yocheved: What’s the best response after listening to my husband? I never know what to say, I just say: “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Leah: That comment works once but more than that isn’t genuine. Asking more questions or asking him to clarify details are good responses.

Shiffy: My husband tends to overshare with me, and some of the stuff he tells me upsets me or lessens my respect for him, like his work struggles, or frumkeit (religious observance) struggles or his disagreements with other people. I want to be there for him, but I don’t want to hear about his weaknesses that he can only fix himself. I keep my personal growth (or lack thereof) to myself- shouldn’t he?

Leah: The fact that he’s sharing with you means you have created a safe sharing environment for him, which is great. Perhaps you being more vulnerable with him might increase the closeness in your relationship. You may want to examine your expectations so that his weaknesses don’t chip away at your respect for him. Him sharing with you is a good thing but if you can’t handle it, tune in at 14:15 to hear how to handle you not being able to handle this.

Tiffy: How can I stay silent if what’s he’s saying is totally wrong? Isn’t it my responsibility as his eizer k’negdo (helpmate) to help him reframe his thoughts if he has the wrong perspective? Doesn’t he need the benefit of my insights?

Leah: It’s a fine line between helping him and being right. The best thing for you to do is (figurative) duct tape! Being an eizer k’negdo means to help him grow into his best self, not to correct him when he’s wrong. Your job is to think about what will build him the most. Sometimes that is letting him say the wrong thing. If you can make suggestions in a subtle and gentle way then possibly but be careful of the “I’m right, you’re wrong” trap!

Gali: Often when my husband is vulnerable and shares himself with me, I get anxious about what he says. Because he’ll say things like, “I don’t know if I’ll be successful/ I am unhappy.” How do I listen to him while also not taking everything he says to heart?

Leah: This needs practice to not let it get to you. Instead of being mad at him, learn to swallow it. If it’s causing distress this is different but if it’s a matter of discomfort, try to work around it.

Try This At Home:

One time this week try to realize when you’re talking too much and ask a question instead.