Does this man just not want me to sleep…ever?!

Join Leah for another Deep Dive as she answers relatable questions and discusses what to do about husbands who make stressful requests, and worse still…when they make stressful requests as you’re just about to fall asleep! Time for stress levels to go down and shalom to go up!

Viewer Questions:

Feigy: My husband’s brother is getting married in another country and my husband is insisting that we all go in. I have two children (under 2) and it is just going to be too much for me. Is there any way I can refuse, while still respecting him?

Leah: The big question is how helpful your husband is. Hopefully you know by now that communication is the golden honey to spread on everything. Listen in at timecode 01:20 to hear how to give this over sweet as honey. Be honest about your feelings and put the problem in your husband’s lap.

Hayley: I keep telling my husband not to bring up stressful topics before bedtime and every night he brings up things like credit card bills, or that I didn’t clean the fruit bin or fill out the insurance form. Why do I always have to tell my husband the same thing over and over again?!

Leah: Try to bring in humor, maybe make a sign saying, “It’s bedtime now!” Anything to lighten it up. Many women complain about needing to repeat things again and again. My question is, does this work for you? Us women don’t want to be naggers, but it’s crucial to let him know how important it is for you not to hear these things at bedtime. Maybe try to let him know before you go to bed and gently remind him not to bring things up. Handle it by handing him the problem. Solve this logistically not by trying to change him.

Zahava: My husband pushes me to dress in a not so tznius (modest) way, and it’s a big point of contention in our marriage. He doesn’t find it essential, and when I do dress tznius, he gets frustrated that I am dressing so “yeshivish” (religiously). How would you recommend I deal with this?

Leah: This is such a challenge. The way to his heart is to speak from your heart- timecode 07:19 will show you how. Try to understand from him why it’s important to him and what is driving him. This may need the involvement of a third party.

Basya: In the beginning of our marriage, I was depressed and didn’t do a good job of running the home. Now, my biggest fear is for my husband to think I can’t run the home well. I recently had a baby and although I’m struggling and trying to keep it all up with the home, I feel I need to prove to my husband that I can run the home, and I won’t fall apart. But I am falling apart!

Leah: First of all, you have to know this for yourself and then find a way to express it to your husband, which is that us women go up and down; we go in cycles. Your self-worth and how much you feel your husband cares for you cannot be dependent on how good a housewife you are. Your identity is too wrapped up in this. What’s more important is for you to know who you are as a person and your strengths. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are good enough. Timecode 13:33 should help you express this to your husband.

Shira: My husband often dismisses my feelings and opinions whenever I try to discuss something important with him. How can I communicate my needs more effectively and get him to listen and validate my perspective? Every time I bring this up, he dismisses me and changes the subject.

Leah: You might need a third party- it seems he’s not listening about listening. Maybe he would hear you better through a letter. Try to analyse what might have caused this and make a plan of action. If it’s too messy then get a third party involved.

Mira: My husband gets happier when other people praise him, even if it’s a quick, simple comment. I try to compliment him a lot and it doesn’t seem to affect him. Is there something wrong with our relationship that my praise doesn’t mean as much to him?

Leah: No, I don’t think it’s unusual. He’s used to you. However, you might want to try and give him more elaborate compliments.

Deena: I feel like my husband prioritizes his work and hobbies over spending quality time with me, when I discuss it with him he tells me that work is needed for Parnassa and then he needs to relax because work is so stressful. How can I fit into his life to get the time with him that I need?

Leah: Sit down with him and make a schedule. Impress upon him how important spending time together is. When you do spend time together, make it awesome for him! Speak to him, ask him questions, do what he is interested in. the way to closeness is asking questions nad then listening. If you make the time with him great, he will come back for more.

Toby: I feel like I’m always the one making compromises and sacrifices in our marriage, while my husband remains inflexible. How can I get him to meet me more toward the halfway mark?

Leah: As many decisions as you can let go of, let go. The more you acquiesce on what is not important, the more you’ll have a say on what is important. If that doesn’t work and you feel like you don’t have a voice, softly communicate it to him.

Try This At Home:

On time this week when there’s a minor conflict or decision to be made, let your husband have it his way.