Help! I am confused and he is amused!

Join Leah as she continues Marriage Secrets with pages 253-257 and discusses what to do if you’re trying to make changes, but your husband thinks your efforts are insincere, or he doesn’t understand you, or worse yet… he laughs at you!

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Silent treatment needs to be ended immediately as safety in the home is being sacrificed.
• Recognition is the first step to end this.
• Listen in at timecode 04:33 for five anger tools which will profoundly impact your marriage.

Viewer’s Questions:

Daphne: I try your method of bringing up another topic instead of giving the silent treatment, but it always sounds so fake and so forced. He finds it humorous, which I know you’ll say is good, but I find it so maddening. I hate the fakeness!

Leah: Women never congratulate themselves enough- this is amazing! Realize this. You created a miracle within yourself. It needs tweaking but you’ve taken the most important step. Try different things and see what works, listen in at 10:19 to hear some ideas of how to authentically fake it until you make it! Be proud of your efforts and how far you’re coming.

Tehilla: My husband and I both like to take space and not interact much after an argument. We don’t feel that it’s the silent treatment because we both like to do it. Is this unhealthy?

Leah: If there is still a closeness between you then its fine, but if you feel a distance then it’s an indication that it might not be a good idea. In marriage we want a level of togetherness, which is possible within silence, as long as you’re both comfortable and happy within it. Check in that he’s not feeling shut out or lonely, but on the whole, it sounds like no damage is being done so it’s fine.

Leela: My husband is the one with the temper, not me. What can I do in navigating a bad temper?

Leah: There’s a lot of information out there about self-mastery. But the number one way to keep someone from erupting is to have a better understanding of it and to make sure you’re not the trigger. Introspect if you’re part of the problem and see what you can do. If the anger is uncontrollable and you can’t communicate about it, then I’d encourage the therapy route. Listen in at timecode 16:08 to check if your communication might be triggering. Daven to Hashem to soften him.

Devorah: I’m a little confused about what the silent treatment is… I said something hurtful to my friend and she said she wanted to take space from me to recover from the pain I caused her. It took her over a week to speak to me again. I thought this was a serious silent treatment but was it not because she told me ahead of time she was going to take space?

Leah: This sounds quite mature. Obviously in a marriage this is not acceptable to not speak for a week. But it sounds like she is dealing with it in a helpful and mature way. It depends how close a friend she is and how painful a week of distance is for you. You need to have a conversation with her.

Suri: I find that if I’m not expressing myself in the moment, the desire to discuss it fades so much that I don’t need to discuss it at all. Is this good or is it considered bottling things up?

Leah: It depends. If there is very low emotional charge, then that’s great and let it go. But if you start feeling annoyed when you think about it then it is considered bottling. It depends on the extent it bothers you.

Shifra-Leah: After being married for 40 years, our relationship is non-existent. Everything my husband says makes me angry. Working on one small thing seems irrelevant compared to the magnitude of the problem. Where do I start?

Leah: This is so sad. Have you tried therapy? God didn’t put you here to have a miserable marriage, please go and speak to someone and hopefully a therapist will walk you through this.

Yael: Often my husband’s reaction to me telling him that I’m upset just makes me more upset, because he never seems to truly understand how and why I feel what I do. How can my husband learn to understand me more? I know this is the root of a lot of our issues.

Leah: Consider how you’re expressing your needs or why you’re upset. It could be he has a blockage or is lacking emotional understanding, or (more likely) it could be that you’re expressing yourself harshly. Introspect to understand if this might be true and your communication is pushing him away. If this is the case, there is a lot you can do to become a better communicator. (To start with, listen to our show on communication.) If there is dysfunction about seeing your point of view, perhaps speak to a Rav. If the problems are deep seated, it needs a therapist.

Dalia: I took on to apologize more but when I do, my husband says that there’s no point apologizing if I don’t mean it. At least I’m taking a step towards him and trying. How do I get him to see it this way?

Leah: Tell him there are sources in the mesorah (tradition) for this and our sages teach us to apologize whether we feel it or not. Hopefully this will override his feelings towards it. A mitzva (good deed) done for the wrong reasons still counts, this is the same. Explain you’re doing it because it’s the right thing to do and your emotions will catch up. Keep it up!

Try This At Home:

One time this week, when your buttons are pushed, verbalize it and ask to start again.