Seems our Spiritually-Challenged Husband episode has hit a nerve! We’ve gotten comments and emails from countless women suffering from this same issue. Today we welcome Avigail, married for 3 years with 2 children, to our show.

Avigail was brought up with a typical Bais Yaakov (Religious) background. While dating her husband, they discussed him continuing to learn once they were married, as well as attending Shul (synagogue) on a daily basis. During the first few years, all was well. Aside from a few missed minyan, Avigail’s husband was keeping to his end of the deal. As the years progressed, however, her husband stopped going to shul, gave up on his daily learning, and even worse, became lax about his religious obligations. Avigail has really worked on being okay with this, and even feels she can handle it, however, she worries about how this will impact her children. She wants to be a supportive wife, but she also feels strongly about raising her children in a certain way.

Leah got right into it: You thought you were marrying a Yeshiva (Torah studies) boy, and it feels like you were cheated. You shared with me in our pre-show interview that you saw several red flags while you were dating, which is now causing you to not only be mad at your husband for changing, be mad at yourself for ignoring the warnings.
Avigail responds: Correct. Furthermore, at this point when it comes to religion, we are on the complete opposite side of the fence and we cannot communicate about it, as the conversation always turns into a huge fight! Even discussing our children’s education is a topic of contention.

Leah wants to know: Have you ever had a successful outcome where you dealt with a tense situation that you were able to resolve in a positive fashion?
Avigail shares: What I find successful is when I allow my husband to explore his own way of dealing with the children. I give him the space to figure things out on his own, and then he usually comes to ask for my opinion, which I work hard not to give right away.

Leah explains: It seems that if a husband lets his wife follow Jewish law and supports her, the marriage can be successful. However, if a husband makes fun of his wife or doesn’t let her keep halacha (Jewish law), then there are problems. Any woman experiencing this issue should be sure to speak with a Rabbi concerning this. In your case, your husband isn’t making fun or interfering with the way you practice your religion, which is good. Let’s discuss steps you can take to be successful in your situation.

5 Steps to Success when dealing with a Spiritually-Challenged Husband:

1. Every woman needs to have a Rabbi to guide her, as well as provide her with spiritual and emotional support. Some women are fearful of approaching a Rabbi because they fear he may say something that will make their marriage even more difficult. It is advisable for you to be honest and state your reservations from the outset. However, it’s also important to let go and allow your husband the space he needs to fulfill his own potential. No one likes to be told what to do and how to do it.
2. Have a Rebbetzin, mentor, or therapist. You’re mourning the loss of who you thought your husband was. However, it’s crucial that a therapist not be making decisions about your life and your future — that is reserved for you and your husband. Still, having someone to speak with is important. It’s a good idea for your marriage therapist to speak with your Rabbi to ensure everyone is on the same page.
3. You must have a bullet-proof plan of how you will solve conflicts so that you don’t need to keep broaching these same marital problems. It is advisable to figure out what Shabbos should look like in your home, which schools and camps you both agree to, which restaurants you are willing to partake in, etc. When you react, it will always turn out worse than if you listed those areas of tension you need to discuss beforehand.
4. The wife needs to be on an appreciation mission. Respecting your husband is granted; never earned. A husband will rise to the occasion of whatever level of respect his wife gives him. If you give your husband a lot of respect, he’ll be a king; if you give him a little, he becomes a nothing. If your husband doesn’t help you with Shabbos, find something that he’s doing which is positive, such as interacting positively with your son and thank him for it.
5. You want to inspire your husband, not to be his police. You never want to confront your husband with a list of your disappointments in him, just as you would not want your husband to telling you about your diet failures while you’re eating. However, it’s your business to try to inspire him.mA man must have space to grow at his own pace. You cannot tell your husband how much you don’t approve of him, as it can take years to undo that marital damage, which would result from those insults. It’s more effective to pray and to take out your frustrations with G-d. Make your environment in your home conducive for your husband to grow. Being angry with your husband is destructive, so don’t sabotage yourself. A wife’s essence is her connection with her husband.

Avigail wanted to know: What if I take all of this marital advice and my marriage doesn’t change?
Leah responds: Your acceptance of this marital challenge, which G-d has given tailor-made for you, is a very holy and important thing. The only way your husband has the potential for change is for you to give him the space to be who he is. You shared with me that your husband’s parents had pressured him before marriage to go to Yeshiva. Where your husband is holding now may be his first choice of freedom, which he never had. If you act like your husband’s parent, it will not go well. Believe that this was meant to be. Give your husband the opportunity to appreciate religion from afar, without saying anything. Women have a lot of power in their relationships. Your husband already knows your opinion. The quieter you are about your displeasure, the closer you will be to each other.

Avigail asked further: Can you share with me strategies to decrease the resentment I’m feeling?
Leah suggested: Keep a journal (with a key) and get yourself a mentor or Rebbetzin to share your frustrations with (but again, never share them with your husband).

Avigail asked her final question: What would you advise me to do when my children get older and they ask questions about why their father doesn’t pray in shul?
Leah responded: Your children asking that question is part of the journey G-d has placed you in. You can ask your husband how he would want you to answer your children. He may be blown away that you even asked him! Keep remembering that this challenge is from G-d!