Last week we addressed a heavy topic with our Get Real guest, Sydney. Her issue was one that affected many of our viewers and following the show Leah spoke to a viewer that felt her issue was similar in nature but had a twist. She agreed to come on today to share her story with us and to see if Leah could offer her a solution.
Welcome our guest today, Chana, married for 10 months, with no children yet. Chana shared her home life: Her husband keeps kosher inside the home but eats out. He also began not wearing his Kippa (Headcovering) outside of the home. Although he feels he’s being respectful to his spiritually connected wife, who does keep the mitzvah (Torah commandments) he feels her hair covering is oppressive and wants her to stop wearing it. Chana is experiencing a lot of hurt and pain since when they got married both her and her husband were religious and now she feels like she is always trying to prove religion to him, that whatever she does she must show him a halachic source (body of Jewish Law) for it, or he will dismiss her.
Leah addressed this issue to a Rabbi prior to bringing Chana on the show to find out what her Torah guidance is. The Rabbi told Leah that Chana must find a Rav who has experience in these areas and who can guide her through this very difficult challenge. When people make life decisions, a Rav should be consulted.
Leah than asked Chana whether she ever tells her husband what he should or shouldn’t do. She answered that during their first married month, she used to ask her husband if he prepared the Parsha (weekly Torah portion) and stressed to him that it was his duty to do so. He answered that she should learn it on her own. In addition, he would talk to friends on the phone on Shabbos and then tell her to come talk as well, knowing she kept Shabbos and was not allowed to.
Leah mentioned that in a relationship if a woman chooses to be frum (religious) and her husband encourages her, their marriage will work. However, if the husband does not encourage his wife, and even worse, discourages her, the marriage won’t work. It’s imperative for Chana to either have a conversation with a therapist or a Rabbi about her situation. The only way their marriage would succeed is if her husband would discontinue undermining and putting her down.
Additionally, Chana and her husband must build a proper foundation before considering having children. If he wants this marriage to succeed, he must change. He needs to be supportive, even if he doesn’t want to be frum (religious). Chana needs her husband to support her. She can say or even write him a letter, “I really want our marriage to work, but if you’re not supportive, it won’t. I want to spend my life with you.” Leah advised her to get a third party to weigh in since this is an intense conversation and she must practice before attempting to speak to her husband.
Leah then shared the 5 Steps to spiritually-challenged husbands:
1) A Rabbi is needed for spiritual and emotional support, which keeps Hashem (G-d) in the picture. Every couple needs to have a Rav to turn to for halachic (Jewish Law) questions and to know whether an action is a chumra (stringency). That’s crucial to know, and we would be shocked at how far a Rav would let us go for shalom bayis.
2) A guide is needed, i.e. a therapist. There is a mourning process for a women when she realizes the man she thought she was marrying is no longer that man. Your reality is shattered and therapy can bring serenity. The therapist shouldn’t be the person making life decisions for you–that needs to be achieved through a Rav. However, a therapist is key and there should always be a 3-way communication between the couple, the Rav, and the therapist.
3) Every couple needs a bullet-proof plan for every potential conflict that can arise. It might take a month to develop, but once these potential conflicts are ironed out, the future becomes much smoother. Some examples are: How will we teach our children? Jewish schools? Jewish camps? Kosher food in the house, non-kosher restaurants, what will Shabbos be like? What are kosher places we can take our children? Are movies and TV okay? Sports? Get it clear! Having a plan reduces tension. In the heat of the moment, our knee-jerk reactions are usually wrong!
4) The wife needs to be on an appreciation mission. She must ask herself daily, “Why did I marry my husband? What do other people think of him? What good things does he do?” Accept him the way he is, even if he’s not frum (religious) enough. Admire him and accept him 100% of the time. Work hard to zip your lips with regards to his spirituality. Comments will backfire about his Yiddishkeit (religious beliefs). If you see him as “evil,” his defense will be, “I’m not evil, you’re evil, this religion is evil.”
5) Think inspiration, not policeman. You’re not policing him. Figure out things carefully. Think of ways to inspire him. Have happy religious people who know how to laugh and enjoy life, at your Shabbos table. Go to lectures and go out to dinner afterwards. Find charity organizations and become active members in them. Doing good makes you feel good. Inspire him without force.
Leah’s Final thought: Let go in your heart and mind of what your expectations were and allow your husband to enjoy religion from a distance without making him feel guilty!
