We finished Chapter 7 of Marriage Secrets and now it’s time for another Q&A session!

Join Leah as she delves into the potential pitfalls of gifts and prepares you to get maximum appreciation from your marriage!

Viewer Questions:

Kayla: My husband thinks I have a shopping problem already, I don’t think he would respond very well to this method. Truthfully, I do really love shopping and might do it a little too much. Should I avoid this method?

Leah: If you’re buying a lot of things you don’t need, perhaps this isn’t the way to fill your bucket. If you still think it is, tune in at 01:33 to hear how to make a successful sales pitch to your husband! But if he complains and there’s friction it may be better to prioritize the other methods.

Chumi: I made a gift list on Amazon and showed it to my husband. His response was “Where’s MY gift list?” I told him to feel free to make one, but he didn’t and still hasn’t used my list. How often can I bring it up without being annoying?

Leah: It’s not a question of how often, but how it is communicated in the first place. Tune in at time code 03:36 to hear how to communicate clearly and effectively without tainting it with past resentments. It’s also important to separate his needs from your needs.

Tamar: I feel that women in my community take this method a little too far – I often hear women bragging about all the gifts their husbands buy them, and then it almost becomes a competition. I’m worried if I try this method I’ll fall down the rabbit hole myself and will feel pressure to keep up with the materialistic standards of my community.

Leah: This is very insightful of you. In this case, I would avoid this method and stick to the other five ways of filling your appreciation bucket.

Raizy: My husband is a spender. I’m afraid telling him this method will encourage him to overspend. Even if I tell him I’ll buy the gifts I know he’ll still go ahead and buy me some too. What do you suggest?

Leah: We have a mesorah (tradition) that when you receive from your husband with a full heart, there is a bracha (blessing) from Shamayim (Heaven) that comes with it. If you work on receiving wholeheartedly from him, you will not lose out from it. If you really are suffering from it financially, you may need to speak with a Rav (Jewish leader). But otherwise just keep on thanking and receiving with a smile.

Lori: Is it a problem to do these methods in front of our kids? I’m concerned my kids will pick up on it and try these methods themselves!

Leah: I think it’s great for kids to learn these skills! Let them also learn how to get the appreciation they need!

Yocheved: My husband loves buying me expensive gifts (I know I’m very lucky!) but I don’t like wearing them in public because I feel like I’m showing off. My husband doesn’t understand and wants me to wear what he buys me. Should I just wear his gifts anyways because it will make my husband happy and strengthen our shalom bayis? Or is showing off a real issue?

Leah: You have no choice but to wear them, assuming it’s not a dangerous neighborhood and there’s no safety issue. Time code 10:40 has a clever suggestion to solve this! If you have to choose, shalom bayis comes first, and a husband’s feelings come before what the community may think.

Chasya: We always have a lot of guests, not only on Shabbos but also throughout the week. I would be embarrassed to try the prompt or ventriloquist method in front of others but should I still try to do it?

Leah: More often than not, do it privately- in front of kids is okay some of the time, but not in front of guests.

Rikki: This method doesn’t really sit well with me. I don’t feel loved by asking for a gift. The love for me is my husband thinking about me on his own. What should I do?

Leah: I wouldn’t use the gift method if it doesn’t resonate with you. Although, you’re talking about an attention thing, not an appreciation thing. Use the first five methods for appreciation and separate to that, communicate what you need attention-wise. Tune in at 18:08 to make sure you’re not falling into the trap of unrealistic expectations!

Debbie: My husband says “thank you” a lot but he doesn’t expound his appreciation much more than that. How do I get him to express his appreciation with more detail without sounding controlling? I already explained to him that I’ll be trying to solicit more appreciation out of him.

Leah: I think it’s important to understand the difference between controlling what comes out of your husband’s mouth and communicating your need for appreciation. Listen in at 20:16 to hear how to ace this balance!

Tobi: What if I have really expensive taste, but we can’t afford my taste?

Leah: Buy fakes! Expensive taste may just mean a preference for elegance, so you need to get creative! But know that being appreciated will fill you far more than having lots of expensive things.

Rachelli: My husband hates “chachkas” and having extra stuff around so I don’t think he would like the gifts method very much even though I love gifts! I’m worried this method might bring a new challenge to our shalom bayis – him being upset by all the extra stuff around. Should I just avoid this method?

Leah: There are plenty of gifts that don’t add to the clutter and are kept in a drawer- such as serving spoons or make-up- whatever makes you happy that is stored out of sight!

Try This At Home:

Have a conversation with your husband about the appreciation bucket to introduce the concept!