We’re doing so much all day- we can’t possibly look as stylish as we did when we were dating, right?

The questions have been piling up- so it’s time to take a break from Marriage Secrets for a Q&A session with Leah!

Aliza: My husband says we need to move to NY for his work. I grew up there and hate it. He knows this, but says we don’t have a choice. I feel like I’m being forced to relive my trauma and he thinks I’m being a baby. I feel so left out of this decision and he doesn’t understand.

Leah: This is really a question for a Rabbi. If he says you need to go, trauma can be healed with therapy. There’s a whole science in dealing with trauma and it needs professional help and guidance. If the move is not 100% necessary, that’s a whole different story. It is possible that you’re not communicating your viewpoint effectively- Tune in at time code 04:03 to check that you are actually communicating your perspective! Soft communication will always yield the best results.

Esti: What if my husband isn’t great at making decisions and being in control? I often yield to my husband because I’m very indecisive naturally but unfortunately my husband is very impulsive and doesn’t often make the best decisions.

Leah: I hear, but it’s tricky- bordering on judgmental- to evaluate whether he makes good decisions or not without knowing the full picture. The bottom line is: if you give your husband the control he needs and follow him, Hashem will bless your husband’s decisions. The stronger your trust and support in him, the better his decisions will be. A blessed decision is better than a right decision. You may be surprised by how his decisions improve once you put your trust in him. Let me know what happens!

Annie: My husband says he was taught that the husband’s role is to make the spiritual decisions for the family (like where the kids go to school, what shul they belong to, etc.) and that the wife is in charge of the more physical decisions of the home (like the interior design, bedtime routines, meals etc.). What about splitting the decisions?

Leah: There’s different paths that can be taken. But if he is making those decisions without seeking your influence, it usually means he is grabbing control because he isn’t being granted enough of it. Listen in at 11:23 for a practical example of how to be an incredible influencer, rather than a contriving controller.

Tanya: My husband complains that I’ve started to look shlumpy after having kids, but I’m on the floor most of the day playing with magnatiles and cleaning diapers. How can he expect me to look put together when I need to dress comfortably and don’t have the energy to?

Leah: So many women have this challenge- I totally hear you! All you can do is really try. Listen in at 13:08 for some simple yet effective tips. Ultimately, a woman should bring close to her husband what he likes and remove what he doesn’t…if he doesn’t like shlumpy take a small action to disguise the shlump!

Dalia: But what about following our combined wills – both ourselves and our husbands’? Why is it that we have to direct ourselves only towards our husband’s will? What about self-care/self-love and prioritization in relationships? Isn’t a happy wife a happy life?

Leah: The pendulum in society has swung so far towards self-care and self-actualization and so far away from caring for others. But so much of joy and satisfaction in life actually comes from caring for others. We should definitely give ourselves permission to put our feet up and do what makes us feel great but doing a chesed (act of kindness) will usually bring more joy. Both are necessary. This only applies if our appreciation bucket is filled! Click here to watch our previous show on this!

Nechama: What if I don’t know how to influence correctly? I really don’t feel in touch with my bina yesaira (feminine wisdom) and I’m scared of influencing my husband negatively.

Leah: If that’s the case I recommend not saying anything in the moment. Just say you want to give it some thought and sit with it and speak to a confidante (assuming you’re not divulging anything private about your spouse). There is such chachma (wisdom) to not answering right away. How you present it is also crucial, for example saying: “Is it possible…” or “What do you think about this?” will make a difference.

Hadassah: My husband’s grandmother does certain things that really bother me. Is it wrong of me to vent and share this with my husband? Must I just keep it inside even if it will help me to tell someone?

Leah: This is a question for your Rabbi. If you’re venting to make your husband dislike your grandmother- or if it will result in this- then it’s an obvious no. If you are looking for his perspective and for him to help you in a productive way. However, communicating directly- and gently- with her is a good option, or journaling or speaking to someone neutral may work.

Try This at Home:

One time this week, when you are feeling like you need self-care, make a choice to give to somebody instead. See how you feel!