Episode 93 Shattered Dreams

He’s not the man I thought I married…now what?

Join Leah as she starts Chapter 11 of Marriage Secrets with pages 267-269 and addresses the painful topics of living with disappointments, comparisons, and feelings of no longer recognizing the man you married. It’s time to clean up those shattered dreams and start rebuilding your dream marriage!

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Tune in at timecode 00:33 for an emotive story emphasizing how we waste away our time pining for what we don’t have instead of appreciating what we do!
• If we stood under the chuppa(wedding canopy) together, we are supposed to be married to each other. Period! Thinking otherwise causes untold pain.
• Marriage is an opportunity to grow and change into our best selves.
• Successful marriages are in our own hands. Joy in marriage starts with our attitude and being happy with our lot.

Viewer Questions:

Shaked: I’ve been trying to implement your tips. When I freeze in the moment, my husband says: “uh oh, she’s quiet, she must be really angry.” If I shout, he calls me angry and if I’m silent he calls me angry. Why should I bother?

Leah: This needs a conversation- timecode 06:04 will show you how to get your husband to solve this problem for you.

Tzivia: I used to feel that my husband was destined for me, but he has changed so much, I find it hard to truly believe it. How can I get back to that point when he is hardly like the man I married?

Leah: We know that if you stood under that chuppa he was and still is the one. Whatever fantasies you had about your husband which have been dashed, or him not being who you thought he was, he still is the one. These are the cards you are playing with now. Consider that maybe he hasn’t changed but your perceptions have changed. In any case, sometimes our job roles change but we can’t quit, everything is for our benefit to bring out our shleimus (perfection). But realize it is meant to be and connect through the change.

Penina: Since your last show, I have been working so hard on not yelling and I see such a difference. My husband hasn’t noticed any change, and it makes me feel like “what’s the point.” I know I should keep it up, but when it’s not being appreciated or noticed, it makes me want to stop trying.

Leah: You need to learn to appreciate yourself and budget treats to reward yourself. Believe me, over time he will be blown away because your home will be warm and fuzzy and he may not realize why but the effects will be hugely felt. In a way, it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re working on this because you don’t want the pressure of needing to keep it up. Keep the growth private, reward yourself and wait for the results to unfold.

Tamar: How do I focus on the good of my husband in a moment when he is doing something that upsets me? How do I resist the natural urge to see him negatively? Self-talk?

Leah: Do you also do negative or annoying things? Just think that you would want him to give you the grace and the benefit of the doubt and not notice everything you do wrong. You can also put it into context and realize there will always be some annoying things but having a perspective that it could be worse could help.

Yocheved: You say a lot that we are responsible to initiate change, and I have come to accept that. I’m just wondering, is there any time that our husband is also responsible to make a change?

Leah: Our purpose in life is to make change. Our husbands are equally obligated to change themselves. But it’s your obligation to change yourself and his change is none of our business. Keep the focus on working on yourself and you’ll find that more brocha (blessing) will come into your home.

Orah: My husband and I got married later in life, and each of us has a very strong dating history. I can’t help but compare my husband to guys I previously dated. I try to push these thoughts away but they’re pervasive. What if sometimes I do feel like I settled because I was getting older?

Leah: It’s so hard to live with that feeling of having settled. Realize that whatever you think you knew about them is in your mind, you didn’t marry them and if you did, you’d have seen all their negative qualities too. Remember that you’re only seeing one side of their qualities. Tell yourself that given the choice again you would still choose your husband. It’s so damaging to play this game of going into the past and making these comparisons, not just for your husband but for your own menucha (serenity) and joy in life. See someone or perhaps Cognitive Behaviour Therapy can help change this thought process.

Miri: My husband compares me to other women. I’ve expressed how hurtful it is, and it helps for a short while, but it seems to be an ingrained habit. It makes me so insecure- he’s the one who isn’t happy with his lot!

Leah:  This needs therapy.  It’s a terrible thing for a woman to have to live with. Listen in at 25:27 to hear how to get him to understand how painfully damaging this is.

Try This At Home:

One time this week, when you are feeling you can’t get back to harmony, initiate anyway.