Help! How do I look after everyone else AND myself?!
Join Leah with our guest speaker Chana Deutsch as they discuss the ever-elusive concept of self-care. Friends, it isn’t selfish; it’s survival, and it’s time to stop pouring from an empty cup and start filling ourselves up.
Points to Ponder:
- Us women want to live our best lives and be our best selves, but there are 2 tactics which both tend to fail. Either, we are so focused on empowerment, it can lead to disconnection from others in their lives. Or, we become other person focused and try to keep everyone else happy whilst we suffer.
Viewer Questions:
Shiffy: I went to a class and there was a lot of talk about self-care. I try to fill in my needs so I’m not reliant on my husband for my own happiness, but I feel there is still a void. How do I figure out what’s missing?
Find a self-care that actually fills you up. Our moods and reactions are heavily dependent on how we care for ourselves in a way that we feel happier. Self-care doesn’t look the same for everyone and it doesn’t have to cost money. Tune in to how you feel and what you want.
Leah: Can you give us some self-care tips?
A cup of coffee on the couch, a nourishing meal, listening to music, dancing in the kitchen, listening to a podcast, shiur or comedy. Saying Tehillim. Putting on lotion, meeting a friend, going for a walk or a drive. Coloring books. Have a self-care basket and some self-care options in your back pocket.
Leah: What’s the fix to the issue you outlined at the start?
The fix is simple- know that in a relationship, we both matter. In order to do this, we need to be tuned in to our feelings and wants, to first take care of ourselves. Then we need to be curious about what is going on for our husband. How is he feeling? What’s going on for him? This is the trait of bina. In every moment, there are two people dealing with their own stuff. Be aware rather than in judgment. We think we need to wear busyness like a badge of honor. It will never be that everything will get done- there’s always more to do. Once we recognize this, we give ourselves permission to tune in and slow down. As we feel stressed, tune in and ask ourselves what’s going on for me? If we know what we want, there is hope for our husbands to know what we want.
Netanya: I’m tired of doing all the self-work and mental load of our marriage. I know if I don’t continue to invest, our marriage will go downhill. What do I do with the burnout?
This is so normal. We need to take some time to acknowledge that we matter, then we can look at how our husband matters. Often, women get burnt out because they feel responsible for their husband’s happiness. It’s not our responsibility and it’s much more loving and respectable to allow him to deal with his own emotions.
Penina: This might sound strange, but I actually feel more accomplished when I’m run down and “shmatteh” like. I like my husband to realize how much I’m doing. How do I fix this?
Realize this is not where your worth or your husbands love comes from. It’s showing that you feel a lack of appreciation. You need to give appreciation and respect to yourself. Recognizing and meeting our own needs helps us turn to be curious about others. It’s no longer if I focus on myself my relationship suffers, or if I focus on my relationship, I suffer. In the relationship, we both matter.
Try This At Home:
- Figure out what your self-care is.
- Be more mindful that you matter AND he matters.
- Notice when you’re in judgement about the other person.
