Leah: Our guest does not blame her husband for her feelings about her marriage. When people blame their husbands, they’re powerless, which turns into negativity. The secret is that once we take responsibility for our marriages, it gives us power. To understand what is meant by “spark,” we have a 3,000-year tradition of how the marital spark was created and how to maintain it. Whatever spark you remember from the beginning of your marriage is only a fraction of the spark, joy, excitement, and happiness which is available to you in your marriage today!

There is a “Giver/Taker Learning Curve.” We were all born as takers. As we mature and gain mastery of life, we grow to become givers. There is joy and inspiration in being bigger than ourselves through giving more and taking less. Here’s what happens: We’re on the path to becoming givers and then we meet our bashert (soulmate). Suddenly whatever we had to achieve on this path of becoming a giver becomes so easy! It’s effortless to give to whom we are attracted to and it brings out the best in us! We can even stay up all night baking cookies for our soon-to-be husbands. We fall in love with our spouse and with who we are! G-d gives us the gift of selflessness, of thinking more about what you can do for your soulmate and less thinking about yourself. The great part of this elation which we feel is that we are becoming more of a giver. A giver is in love with life! However, this ecstasy does not last. After marriage, as soon as you see your husband as a human being with faults, the illusion fades. Rav Wolbe said that the moment demands begin, joy departs. Your focus soon becomes on what your husband didn’t do right, and the “taker” creeps back in.  After the original spark fades, then marital closeness must be earned. However, something earned is much more precious than something given to you. Since you must work hard for it, you will gain a sense of pride. Creating a deeper spark with your husband is a daily challenge, and the secret is to work at being a giver, show appreciation to your husband, and compliment him. When you’re bored or unenthusiastic in your marriage, think of something you can give to your husband. Some suggestions are: greet your husband at the door, text your husband that you can’t wait to see him, make your husband’s favorite dessert; act on it!

Most of us are familiar with a wishlist; we should have a give list, which is a list of things you can give to your husband!

     Give B-A-C-K.  

     B= Break routine

     A= Appreciation

     C= Compliments

     K= Keep connecting

1) Break Routine: There is a gift, both for you and for your husband, in breaking the routine. Find a new hobby. Create a list of activities which would be fun to do. More lasting than going shopping would be to have a picnic, go for a walk, a hike, visit a museum, visit a hobby store, go to a class for couples, create mini adventures, try something creative such as making pizza or pasta from scratch. You can even go to Home Depot together with your husband on a date night and plan to build a chair together, especially if that is out of your comfort zone. Volunteer together for a charity and pack food for the poor. Think back to what you did when you were just married, and incorporate that into your marriage. Little surprises are helpful, such as blueberries with whipped cream for dessert on a weeknight. Plan ahead and think about what you can give to your husband. Any effort you put into giving to your husband will add spark to your marriage and it will come back to you in pleasant ways.

Question From A Caller: When building a chair, it could be stressful, as the stains may not be the right shade, we may forget the hammer, etc.

Leah: Building a chair is not about the chair at all, it’s all about building closeness with your husband. If you keep the closeness in mind throughout your marriage, the result will be closeness with your husband!

2) Appreciation: Lacking excitement in your marriage could be a sign that you are taking too much for granted. By appreciating your husband (instead of focusing on his annoyances), good thoughts will well up in your heart. When you appreciate your husband, even for just being yours, you are being a giver and you will feel more spark! It’s an attitude shift. You hold the key to spark in your marriage. If you start appreciating your husband more, your husband will appreciate you more too! If you ask about your husband’s day and show interest in his activities, then you’re giving to your husband all day, and you will feel more spark!

3) Compliments: Compliments are magical. Whatever is going on in your marriage, giving a compliment changes things. Even though being the first to compliment may be hard, there is a closeness that a compliment brings, which is not obtained by anything else! A husband needs appreciation for who he is and what he does, and a compliment will strike his ego. Tell your husband he’s smart! Giving a thank you is because your husband did something for you. Giving a compliment to your husband is because you are grateful to have him in your life! Do not let one day go by without giving a compliment to your husband. Whenever you’re dealing with a lack of spark in your marriage, give a compliment and watch miracles happen!

4) Keep Connecting: Closeness isn’t something you create — it’s there already! Closeness is maintained by constantly putting in the effort. Don’t be on your phone when your husband comes home. Stop what you’re doing and greet your husband! It’s especially nice to text sweet messages to your husband throughout the day (unless it would be annoying to him). Focus on what you can do to feel closer to your husband. You can even ask your husband what you can do to make him happier. By asking your husband how you can make him happier, it’s basically asking what you can give to your husband!

Homework: Do one act of giving for your husband today.