Are you exhausted from arguing with your spouse? Is fighting right even possible?
In this episode, Leah talks with therapist and author Sarah Chana Radcliffe to discuss what it means to fight right and how you can transform your marriage by doing it.
Fighting is by its very nature destructive. Fighting right means taking the destruction out of the process and making it a healthy negotiation that benefits the relationship.
Picture this: You’ve had one of those days where everything goes wrong. Your husband walks in after work and starts yelling about what a mess the house is.
How does this not become a fight?
When we get criticized, it’s painful, so it is reflexive to counterattack. The more sensitive to criticism we are, the more painful it is, and the stronger the urge to criticize back becomes.
No-No Technique:
It can be very tempting when criticized to bring up every single thing your spouse has ever done wrong. Therefore, you should initiate a 30-day moratorium on past hurts. Any issue not dealt within 30 days must be let go.
The pain of being criticized can feel life-threatening to us, which triggers our fight or flight response (also called acute stress response), causing us to lose our minds and blow up. It is essential that we have an alternate plan in place.
So, what’s the solution?
The goal is to minimize damage, no matter how upset you are. Even if you don’t do the right thing, you can avoid the wrong things.
Step 1: Preparedness
Read and learn as much as you can about improving relationships. Good relationships need constant awareness and work, it doesn’t happen on its own.
Step 2: Self-Care
You must eat and sleep well and take care of yourself on every level to minimize your susceptibility to irritation.
Step 3: Remember: There are very few actual emergencies in life.
An emergency is a fire, a child threatening a sibling with a knife, being held at gunpoint etc. These things may happen, G-d forbid, but they’re not everyday things.
When your spouse says something that you don’t like, it doesn’t require an emergency response. You can tell your brain to calm down and handle it at an appropriate time.
You want to react from a place of logic and calm, so wait till you can.
For Leah’s awesome story about Rabbi Avigdor Miller’s marriage advice, tune in at 26:43!
Step 4: Plan it Out
When you feel hurt, check in with yourself before you check in with him. Finish whatever you were doing (it’s not an emergency!). When you can, go to a private place. Work through and settle your feelings so that your brain is back in charge:
- This made me feel…. (unloved, unappreciated, uncared for, etc.)
- What do I need from myself? (To set boundaries, ask for what I want, get out by myself, etc.)
- What do I need from him? (More help with the kids, more time together, etc.)
Leah adds: Carry on with normal things as much as possible until it’s the right time to talk. Still make dinner, etc. Fights don’t stop life or marriage. You will deal with it at the proper time. Most fights can wait to be dealt with till the timing is right.
Step #5: Timing is Key
How do I know the timing is right?
- Do you feel emotionally settled?
- So you have a plan of what you want to say?
- Is he calm and in a place to hear you?
- Can we talk privately and without being interrupted?
Step #6: Talk to Him
- Ask to speak.
- Keep it short. The less time and stress involved, the more likely it is to work.
- Start with a sincere apology for your end (regardless of who started it or whose fault is it) so he doesn’t get defensive.
- Move on to, when you did x, I felt y. What I really need is, x. Is there something I can do to make this easier?
What if he keeps interrupting you? You bring him back on topic. “That’s a good point/I hear you. Let’s talk about that when we finish this conversation.”
Step #7: His Response
He may respond with all the wrong words. Listen anyway and model the correct way to respond:
- Keep your mouth closed and nod, maybe even take notes.
- Summarize back what he said to make sure you heard him accurately.
- Validate him: That makes sense because…
- Emotional coach him: That must make you feel x.
Step #8: Negotiation
Ask him: Would it help if I…? It would help me do x if you would be able to do y- would that work for you?
You never want either one of you to give in 100%, or it will degrade the quality of your marriage.
Zero Tolerance Fighting Behaviors
The first time one of these behaviors happens must be the last time without doing anything about it (intervention, therapy, a rabbi, etc.).
- Physical violence (Smashing things, pushing, hitting, etc.)
- Verbal abuse: (Swearing, name-calling, etc.)
- The difference between hurtful words and verbal abuse is that verbal abuse is about the person, not the issue or situation. It’s character assassination. (You’re such a pig vs. it’s really hard for me when the house is so messy)
Marriage is the most triggering relationship. When you get triggered, give yourself a hug and follow the steps above. Your whole life will change!
Try This at Home
When your spouse says or does something that gets to you, ask yourself, “Is this an actual emergency?” No one’s on fire or bleeding, thank G-d! No need to pounce! It doesn’t have to be handled in this moment of anger. You can take a deep breath and take care of it at a calmer time.
Additional Links:
Sarah Chana Radcliffe can be reached through either of her websites:
http://sarahchanaradcliffe.com/
