Question: What is the secret to being great in crisis?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: I was 37 years old when my first husband passed away. I had 4 children, the oldest was 7. My friends kept asking what they could do and I was lost as to how to direct them. My friends later encouraged me to write a book to help anyone going through a hard time!

Leah: Now that we’re in survival mode during Covid-19, how are we supposed to help others when many of us need help ourselves?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: In crisis, we have to help ourselves. If you’re able to help others, do it, because giving to others helps take away a gloomy mood and gives us a good feeling.

Question: How do you gage where a person is holding and what they need?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: Everyone’s needs are different, even if they’re going through the same troubles. When some people hear about a crisis, they run the other way. The best thing you can do is to ask about a person’s specific needs, because they may not need more meals. There are those who think they must help in a gigantic way, but little things are quite meaningful. A kindness would be to say, “I’m going to a store; what can I pick up for you?” That kindness is convenient and doesn’t take much time, since you’re tying it into your own errands.

Question: When something happens to someone, people are more afraid of saying the wrong thing rather than saying nothing at all. How would you advise getting over that hurdle?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: If you don’t know how to approach people, it is thoughtful to send a card. There are things to do for others which revolve around the different holidays. It’s almost Yom Kippur; if you know anyone all alone, you can invite them to break the fast with you. At Rosh Hashana time, you can give someone a honey cake. At Shavuos, you can remember people with flowers. If you’re already making a Shabbos meal for your family, it’s nice to think about someone else as well.

Question: A crisis is not necessarily of huge proportions. Sometimes people are divorced and are not receiving support. Do you have any advice?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: People are quick to judge. Maybe when they had first gotten divorced, they turned down invitations. Don’t interpret it as an insult. Things change and perhaps they would welcome an invite at a later time.

Question: People don’t host in my community due to Covid-19. Are there other ideas?

Guest: There are people hosting meals on their porch or go for a walk with them. If you think someone needs financial help and you’re able to, help in a private way. You can help people with their tuition payments, orthodontic bills, send coupons, or figure out other ways to help. My personal experience was that one day I heard my front door rattling and I saw an envelope under my door with a beautiful anonymous note, along with $500 cash. It’s not embarrassing; it’s needed. Give it in a way that would make the recipient happy. The best way to give charity according to Jewish law is for the giver and the receiver to not know who it’s going to and who it’s received from.

Comment from Caller: You can even drop off something for the children, offer to babysit, tutor a child or take them for ice cream. The gift of time is very important.

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: When someone is in crisis mode, the whole family is affected.

Question: What suggestion would you give to lift people’s spirits when they’re in a different country?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: Communication these days is not a problem! Call, send a card, send something. Small things matter.

Question: Please give an example of what to write in a card.

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: 3 words: Thinking of you! I have elderly relatives and I enclose photos of my grandchildren.

Question: What do you say to someone going through a divorce? People have mixed emotions about it.

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: Someone I know finalized their divorce last week. When I called, she was subdued. When you see them in the store, do not ask in the aisle how they’re doing. Just say, “It’s nice to see you.” Be careful with your words. After my husband died, someone whose husband died 20 years earlier told me they knew how I felt and that that I’ll never get over it. Another person who had a similar loss said something much more comforting, which was that every “first” will be hard and that I should take it one day at a time. Words are so important; be positive! When I sat shiva for my husband, while most people said lovely things, someone asked me if I got my husband a good doctor.

Remember that if you’re always “in your own head,” you will feel more overwhelmed. Our tradition says that when you are there for others, you will feel relief and a sense of pride! Doing for others is nice for the other person, but it actually nurtures your own soul. There is a deep spiritual satisfaction we get from helping others.

Question: When I make a shiva call (a visit to the house of mourning), I know it’s a huge mitzvah. However, I feel awkward and sit in the back of the room, especially if I only knew the deceased but not their family.

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: When you go on a shiva call, it’s not for you, it’s for the mourner. If you’re uncomfortable, it’s alright because they see you there and it means so much. I know of a Rabbi who lost a student and went to the shiva and just sat silently with the parents for an hour and then left. The parents said that visit felt so good to them.  It’s appropriate to take teenagers along to shivas, if they know the family. It’s good for them to see how to act, because if they don’t go when they’re young, they won’t know how to act at a shiva later on.

Question: For one who is overwhelmed due to Covid-19, can you advise us what kind of people we can be helping?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: It was right before Passover when my first husband passed away. There was a family who was planning to go away for the entire holiday and the Rabbi of the community advised them not to go away so they would be there for me. They agreed but had lots of needs, so the community came together and made that family meals. There are people with open hearts who do lovely acts of kindnesses. If you’re not able to, do not feel guilty. At the time I had young children and financial burdens, I prayed to be given the opportunity to give back.

Question: What do you do when you ask someone what they need and they answer nothing?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: If you’re not so close to the person, you can call their neighbor or family member and ask that if any needs arise, to contact you. If you’re close to the person, take their cue.

When my son had a Bar Mitzvah, my friends got together and bought me a beautiful small diamond necklace and for my other son’s Bar Mitzvah, they got me a bracelet. It doesn’t have to be diamonds (my friends are the diamonds)! They said there are times a husband gives jewelry to his wife and this is what they wanted to do. It’s nice for people to bring a small gift at certain milestones when someone is alone, and it is greatly appreciated.

Comment: Too often people don’t know what to say when something happens. Time passes and they feel it’s too late to say something, so there’s an awkwardness. Any advice?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: If you’re able to make a shiva call, you should go. However, it’s never too late to write a note. People go through different things and they mature. I’ve gotten cards from people years later when a detail is remembered about my husband that they wanted to share with me. Things are always appreciated. Before I had my loss, I didn’t know what to do. I once saw a couple in a store who lost an adult child and I avoided them.

Question: What could you have done?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: When you are in public, do not start a conversation. Let the person live like a human being; people want to feel normal when they go out.  You can acknowledge that it’s nice to see them.

Question: If you don’t say the right thing at the right time, do we bring up old hurts and pains at a later time?

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier: People said things to me which I know they didn’t mean. You can say at a later time that you hope you didn’t say anything to deliberately hurt them. The person should be talked to privately–never in a public setting.

Homework: Do 1 kind act for someone this week.