Do you take everything your husband says and does personally? Do you want to change the tone in your home?

In this episode, Leah speaks with Feige Twerski, beloved Rebbetzin, lecturer and author from Milwaukee, for tips on building a beautiful atmosphere in our home.

Leah dives right in: How is it possible not to take things personally?

Rebbetzin Twerski: It’s about getting ourselves out of the way. What drives a person is ego, so this is so hard. When a challenge comes up and we want to respond negatively, the pause button is the most phenomenal invention.

Press pause and ask yourself: what will this reaction achieve- closeness or driving a wedge? This doesn’t have to be about me. This person may have had a really bad day. We all tend to let things out on the people closest to us, even when it’s not about them.

Later, when you’re both calm say, “You’re normally such an even-tempered guy, but today you seemed upset and I was a little hurt by what you said. Is everything ok?”

We’re not always going to be successful, but it should be our goal. If we get it 1 out of 10 times, and we see the positive results, it will motivate us to do it more and more. Prepare yourself beforehand so that in the moment of challenge you can more easily access this motivation to press the pause button.

The great Ponevezher Rav said that the key to good children is 1) praying 2) peace in the home. Hold that in your mind if you’re tempted to respond harshly. A peaceful relationship with your spouse is the greatest gift you can give your children. It’s an investment in yourself, your marriage, your children and their future.

Viewer question: What if you already have an established negative dynamic?

Rebbetzin: Women are the guardians of the home and we create the atmosphere. Every small step we take to make things better has an impact on our home dynamic and the energy in our relationship. If you need assistance to take those small steps, talk to a Rebbetzin, mentor, or therapist. It only takes one person changing to change a marriage — and we have the power for it to begin with us.

Viewer Question: Can we undo past damage to our children from not using the pause button?

Rebbetzin: We don’t look backward. We look forward and any positive changes we make will have a positive impact on our children. We’re teaching them that it’s never too late to start doing the right thing. And if you slip up and overreact, counteract negative overreactions with positive overreactions. Grab them in a huge hug and kiss and say how much you love them. It’s also ok to apologize and say sometimes mommies and daddies also overreact.

Leah: Remembering it’s not about me feels so hard to achieve- how do we get there?

Rebbetzin: We get self-absorbed and think we’re the only one who has it tough in certain areas at certain times, but everyone does, so if they upset you, realize they’re dealing with painful stuff too that is contributing to them acting this way. It’s not about us. Tune in at 22:13 for a beautiful true story Rebbetzin Twerski tells over that illustrates this point!

Viewer question: If my husband takes his mood out on our kids and they take it personally, how can I help them without impacting my shalom bayis?

Rebbetzin: We model behavior for our kids, so them seeing us use the pause button is huge. Then later, you can take them aside and say, “Daddy loves you very much. He has a very rough day, and it’s not that he’s angry with you. He just needs time to wind down. You know how sometimes when you have a hard day, you might feel like lashing out at someone? Adults also have that sometimes. He still always loves you.

Leah: How do we let go of “winning” these encounters?

Reb: If you win and he loses, how do you feel being married to a loser? This is also tied to ego. Ego is the greatest enemy in life. So in general working on that will help us deal with this and so many other issues. If we have a hole in our self-esteem, that’s when we are susceptible to this. We need to realize our self-worth and how we have a special neshama (soul) straight from Hashem. I can respect another person without being diminished in return.

Viewer question: What’s the first step we can take towards accomplishing all this?

Rebbetzin: Start with self-care. The best way to practice self-care is by writing down one thing you’re proud of that day. So often we focus too hard on where we messed up and minimize any success. There is no such thing as a small success. When you feel good about yourself, you can be charitable to others.

Leah: Why is it the woman’s responsibility to change the atmosphere in the home, and how do we do it?

Rebbetzin: It’s not our responsibility, it’s our privilege. Hashem gave us the gift of being best equipped to set the tone in the home. The best way to do it is by giving our husband respect. A man needs respect more than anything. If we watch carefully, we can catch our husband doing something right. And when we do, we make a big deal. (We should do this with kids too.) The more positive feedback and respectful behavior we give, the more our home will be transformed for the better!

Try This at Home
Start a journal where you write down a minimum of one thing you did right that day, no matter how small. You accomplish so much more than you give yourself credit for!

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Additional Links:

• Check out Rebbetzin Twerski’s book The Future of Happiness!