Leah’s second episode with guest Rebbetzin Yaffa Palti covers steps 5-10 of her tools to achieve resilience.
In part 1, we covered steps 1-4, so be sure to check that out here!
10 Steps to Resilience:
- Know your strengths
- Find a sense of purpose
- Develop a social network
- Embrace change
- Mindset
- Problem-solving skills
- Make goals
- Nurture yourself
- Take action
- Keep at it
Let’s dive right in with the next step!
Step #5 — Mindset
This step is the MOST IMPORTANT one! It is the key to all the other steps.
There are two ways of thinking a person can have: Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset
Someone with a fixed mindset thinks they know it all, and they are who they are. This makes life hard because there’s no inspiration, no growth, no moving forward, and therefore, no resilience.
Someone with a growth mindset is always thinking: what can I learn from what I just saw/heard/went through. This is the healthiest way to be because the whole point of everything that happens is for us to reflect and find meaning in it to use for growth. If we brush an experience off, we have squandered an opportunity to grow. Finding meaning towards growth is what creates resilience. Otherwise, we get stuck in a fixed mindset.
There are two words that can destroy someone with a fixed mindset and elevate someone with a growth mindset: What if?
Those two words can either bring up all the things that might go wrong or all the things that might go right depending on which mindset you have. It is a choice between anxiety and possibility.
Both pessimism and optimism require us to imagine something that hasn’t happened yet. So instead of imagining doomsday, we can imagine the best possible world. This is not an easy step- remember that our goal is progress, not perfection!
There are three things to remember to keep us in the right frame of mind:
a. Suffering and challenges are a part of life.
When bad things happen, it’s not discrimination- you are not a victim. Natural, healthy, life includes tragedy and difficulty.
We can know that even though we don’t understand why this is happening, Hashem (G-d) is talking to us. We can ask, not why is this happening, but what purpose and meaning can I gain from this?
The best time to work on yourself is when times are good, so you’ll have strength when things are not good!
b. Focus on what you can control and accept what you can’t.
It’s always easier to focus on the negative. We can’t control what happens in life, but we can control our quality of life, because that is about our attitude and response to life. Are we alive, or just living? It’s not a about a beating heart, but a singing heart! No matter how much darkness we may be in, there is ALWAYS a sliver of light. Focus on that light!
c. Is this helping me or hurting me? This thought, word, action, behavior- will it improve my life or make it worse?
Leah adds: if your negative thought is about someone else, and it’s hurting you, giving them the benefit of the doubt is taking a thought that’s hurting you and making it help you!
Trouble with your mindset? We know it can be so tough! Check out Yaffa’s ladder analogy at 40:14 minutes in!
Step #6 — Problem-solving skills
Whatever problem you have, break it down to the smallest possible issue, so it’s not too overwhelming.
For example, your car dies on the way to carpool and you’re overwhelmed- can I afford to fix it, how will I get where I need to go, etc. Stop and break it down. What is the smallest, most pressing piece? Calling a friend to pick up carpool instead of you. What is the next most pressing piece? Calling the mechanic. Little piece by little piece, you will tackle the problem.
Step #7 — Make goals
The primary goal to make for yourself is a mission statement. You can’t succeed if you don’t know what you want to accomplish. Waze can’t give you directions if you don’t plug in a destination!
Leah adds: a good place to start in writing a mission statement is to make a list of things you LOVE doing, that you’re really passionate about. What would you really want, looking back on your life, to see that you accomplished? It could be a mitzvah that really resonates with you that you make your mission!
Make a daily goal — it can be super small, like putting away laundry, but it keeps you focused on accomplishing- plus it feels great to check it off at the end of the day!
Goals should be relative to who you are, so you are challenged, but not so much that you can’t succeed.
Don’t compare! Goals are about who YOU are, not about what other people are doing, or who people think you should be, or who you want people to think you are.
Yaffa has more in-depth practical tools to overcome this particular challenge- check out her contact info under additional links at the bottom of the page.
Step #8 — Nurture yourself
Self-care doesn’t just apply externally. You need to nurture all 4 dimensions to avoid imbalance:
- Physical (sleeping enough, movement, healthy food etc.)
- Emotional (healthy social life, doing things that make you feel happy)
- Psychological/Mental (learning new things, stimulating your brain)
- Spiritual (praying, learning Torah)
Step #9 — Take action
Even if you’re not in the mood!
Activation energy is a chemical concept. When you start doing something, you activate an energy on a chemical level that inspires you to continue!
Step #10 — Keep at it
Will you mess up? Yes! Should you keep going? Yes! Consistency is key.
The Torah tells us that a tzaddik (righteous person) falls down seven times and gets up. Being righteous is not about never falling. It is actually the fact that he got back up that made him a tzaddik.
The verse continues to say that a rasha (wicked person) trips over his sins. His thoughts keep revolving on his mistakes and he gets stuck in a cycle. We all have the power to break the cycle and get back up!
Remember to Evolve, not Revolve!
Try This at Home:
Every day, write down one positive thing that happened that day and little by little, you’ll see how your mindset improves!
Additional Links:
Rebbetzin Yaffa Palti – Unlocking Your Resilience – Part 1!
Yaffa Palti can be reached via Instagram @yaffapalti or at yaffapalti@gmail.com
