Question: What tool can the wife use in the moment, when she’s all dressed up and needs a compliment from her husband but doesn’t receive one?

Rabbi YY Jacobson: It’s unfair and unjust to expect a husband to know what his wife needs at every moment. In marriage, there is an element of mystery. The moment we know everything about our spouses, there’s something wrong. Part of what makes a good marriage is to share what you need and what would be meaningful for you at certain moments, without feeling that the husband should know exactly what his wife needs. Part of the trust of a marriage is that a husband and wife can share with each other what they need emotionally, without fear of betrayal or manipulation. A loving couple committed to marriage will respond with kindness to each other. The more you share with your husband, the more you will be able to eliminate the toxic forces which can get in the way of a good marriage.

Leah: It is fine to give your husband the tools to make you happy and you can ask him for compliments.

Rabbi YY Jacobson: We project our own traumas and insecurities onto our spouses and make complicated assumptions based on that. Communication is important, since there’s no way to know what your husband is thinking. I get comments from women about husbands who said things about their wife in front of their mother. In a good marriage, instead of accusation, ask questions. Ask, “Why did you make that comment? What did you mean by that?” You may even hear an interesting answer which can eliminate the negative emotions. Be curious, rather than accusatory! Suppose I visit a therapist for problems I’m having with my child and the therapist explains what my child needs from me. I didn’t know it before, so when I now provide that need, I’m not being insincere, since I just got educated about it. Sometimes I have to educate my husband about what is meaningful to me because he simply isn’t aware. We’re married but we’re not the same person. Husbands and wives are different people, different genders, with different personalities. In marriage, 2 distinct people are brought together to create a beautiful home and family together in harmony. The fact that you asked your husband for a compliment and he gave it does not mean your husband is not genuine.  We cannot be expected to always know exactly what is in our spouse’s heart or mind, even after 20 years of a good marriage.

Question: What if a husband helps his wife and he doesn’t get thanked and then calls his wife spoiled?

Rabbi YY Jacobson: There are 2 things happening simultaneously. The husband feels used and doesn’t feel validated. When the husband uses the word, “spoiled,” he is articulating that he wishes his wife could fill his voids more. Inner thoughts can be inner pain. Behind the word spoiled, there is a lot of pain. Instead of being accusatory, talk about your own pain. Husbands and wives need to communicate their inner pain and connect on that level, rather than hurling insults at each other.  That which caused a husband and wife to drift away becomes the impetus for a deeper relationship. Don’t allow hurtful words to eclipse your inner pain. Anger is a secondary emotion 95% of the time, which covers up loneliness.

Question: How about if the husband calls his wife other names, such as lazy and stupid?

Rabbi YY Jacobson: Those words are hurtful and painful, especially coming from a husband. I need to acknowledge the pain. It’s easy at this point to wonder why you married this husband. Create space for these thoughts and for your pain, but don’t let that pain turn into a force which dominates your marriage. Contain the words. Figure out what you want to do going forward. Do you want to have a closer relationship or run away? Talk with your husband and tell him that his words were very painful and hurtful, since you don’t see yourself as lazy or spoiled. Your husband used those words, which emanate from his own inner pain. Whatever was triggered inside of your husband is hurtful for both of you. You want to create a space to trust each other . Specify what each of you need and feel you’re not getting; you don’t need to resort to anger. Only then can a husband and wife apologize and learn to forgive each other which will create a better and closer marriage. Whenever a husband and wife takes what caused them to drift away and uses that to become closer, they have taken their weakest link and turned it into their most powerful link. Whenever we strengthen our marriages in areas which are most painful, we create the most powerful marriages, because we’re transforming the negativity into positivity. This will allow you to withstand other difficulties in marriage. You would need a third party if this kind of communication is not practiced regularly and if there is no trust. If insults and name calling happen constantly, along with fighting and ignoring one another, then there is toxicity in the home and you probably need a third party to intervene.  Don’t give up. If husband and wife are 2 mature people and 2 fundamentally healthy people, issues can be talked about. It’s crucial and simple and with proper communication, you can fill the deepest voids in marriage.

Question: Is our 3,000 year old tradition for people who are married to spouses with mental issues?  It has been said that if a woman is the receiver in an abusive marriage, it can make the situation worse.

Rabbi YY Jacobson: I recently had a zoom conference with 20 women who are all married to someone suffering from either mental illness, personality disorder, or very deep trauma. Trauma can sit in the body for a very long time and create blockages. Sometimes a person is ready to take responsibility and can say they need help with… borderline personality disorder, manic depression, bipolar,  depression , psychosis, etc, www.cdhfinechemical.com/cdh_data/ambien-zolpidem/. These husbands can admit that they’re in terrible pain, and when their wives use a trigger statement, they have a meltdown, which has nothing to do with her. When a spouse can take responsibility for themselves and take their medication or stay on the diet or routine they need, then it’s a game changer. Only then can they stop blaming their spouse for everything which is problematic in their life. The spouse needs support but the responsibility is their own! If the husband is in denial, then there’s something broken. Unless a husband is able to take responsibility, a serious decision must be made. What are the pros to remain in this marriage? What are the cons to remain in this marriage? Do the pros outweigh the cons? There is difficult pain. It’s your painful responsibility to ask yourself if you can survive in this marriage. Will you become a doormat? Will you lose your soul and your life in this marriage? Or not!

Question: Under those circumstances, should a person follow our tradition which is taught for good marriages?

Rabbi YY Jacobson: Part of our tradition is that when you’re in a marriage, you must be able to protect your boundaries and your children’s boundaries. You cannot become a sacrifice on the altar of your husband’s mental illness. Our sages have commanded us that every husband must love his wife as much as he loves himself and must respect her more than he respects himself. If that is missing, it’s hard for a wife to function as a normal person. In a marriage, we must be able to protect our boundaries and our dignity, not because we’re selfish, but because that’s the only way we can fulfill our mission in life. In marriage, decisions should not be based on egos, because those decisions are based on weakness. We need to make decisions from our deepest core, which is Divine. Every human is a piece of G-d. From our core, we are wholesome, invincible, confident, powerful, full of possibility, joyful, and optimistic, since we are ambassadors of G-d in this world. We need to make decisions from our most powerful and G-dly, and sacred space. If a wife needs marriage counseling, she must talk with the expert therapist in the field, who is both sensitive and empathetic. A wife cannot follow someone blindly when there is destructiveness in her way.

Question: I’m confused, upset, and deflated about my marriage. Rabbi YY spoke of a spouse who has anxiety, trauma, and suffering. I am that person! I probably bring it on myself, but it is excruciating. I do take responsibility, I don’t blame my husband, and I have someone whom I talk to. I am frustrated and my husband says he is not my therapist & ignores my pain. I’m not getting what I need and my husband doesn’t listen to me.

Rabbi YY Jacobson: Why is it so hard for your husband to listen to you?  Ask your husband why listening is hard for him. Ask if it’s triggering something in him. Why can’t this husband be there for his wife? Perhaps he needs prompting and training. Can this wife communicate to her husband how much she would cherish him for this? Most husbands appreciate the inner strength and resilience of their wives, so don’t be afraid to display that.

Question: Can we have more practical tips for a marriage makeover?

1) Twice a day, say something kind or give a compliment to your husband, which must be genuine. Examples: how hard they work, compliment their learning, their idealism, their dovening, their commitments, how they dress, how good they are with the children, their generosity, even the cleanliness of their closet! Try to fulfill your husband’s love language. A simple statement or a gesture can build trust.

2) A therapist I knew once told a story: A woman had a hard time getting along with her dad and they decided to go on a road trip together. As the daughter was driving the car, she commented on how beautiful the scenery was. Her dad said, “beautiful? It’s sewage!” The daughter drove back in frustration and thought they couldn’t even agree on the landscape! 30 years later, she and her husband drove the exact same road. The husband commented on the beautiful landscape, and all she saw when she looked out her car window was a sewage system. She realized that she and her dad weren’t disagreeing; they just shared what each saw from their unique angle. A married couple is on the same journey, with a husband and wife looking out of their own unique window. They may never be able to convince each other to see outside their own respective window, but each needs to respect each other’s view, which is their reality. If you both share what life is like through your respective views, you can have a meaningful road trip through life.

3) Lots of married couples feel their marriages are not good, even though they may have shared a nice day together. It is a mistake and it’s impractical to expect it to be any other way. Husbands and wives, even when they’re married many years, have so many differences. That husbands and wives are able to feel close is unique and extraordinary. Marriage, inherently left to its own devices, is an unstable relationship. You will drift away, and it’s not a failure when you do. You’re normal! Hashem constantly recreates the world. Bringing together 2 different people that trust each other and create oneness together is a miracle. You have to constantly demonstrate that you’re there for each other. Even though you expressed your love to each other the day before, you must express it again. Marriage is something which happens each moment.

Question: Marriage is so much work and it seems that women carry the heavier burden.

Rabbi YY Jacobson: Marriage by definition is a joined effort. A good marriage is work. Raising children is also work. Anything of timeless value is work. Things which don’t take any work are usually not very significant. When we put the work into marriage, it creates one of the deepest pleasures and joys of life. When we create a marriage filled with trust and respect, it creates one of the greatest miracles in the world. A healthy marriage is the greatest gift you can give to the next generation. Marriage is not only the obligation of the wife. The Ketuba lists all the responsibilities of the husband. Women feel like marriage is all her responsibility because of the power of the Jewish woman. A wife feels responsible because she experiences in her soul the power of a good marriage.  Wives are blessed to feel that which has eternal value for the Jewish nation. Creating a good marriage is work, but it’s blissful and it fills the soul with joy because there is trust and harmony. Once you overcome basic obstacles and there is a natural flow, everything changes.

We should all have the courage, resilience, faith, fortitude, and the wisdom to be able to build our marriages and our families in the most inspiring way. A wife can bring out the best or the worst in her husband, making him into either a king or a mouse, all from validating, complementing, and giving her husband what he needs. The power of a wife is impactful and she creates the ambiance and the holiness in the home, which allows her husband to soar!

Homework: Twice this week, say something kind and loving to your husband.