Rabbi YY Jacobson, a legend, is our special guest and his website is www.theyeshiva.net.
Leah: What is a marriage makeover and how can we do it ourselves?
Rabbi Jacobson: Fixing our marriages by ourselves would be a contradiction, as we cannot do that by ourselves. Marriage is two people. As it says in Genesis, it’s not good for man to be alone, so G-d created a helpmate. When a man gets married, he must bid farewell to his mother and father and become one flesh with his wife. A marriage makeover is important, as both husband and wife need to have goodwill towards each other, as well as vulnerability.
Leah: I teach that the job of a wife is knowing how to be a wife. When she follows what needs to be done and puts her energy into making a change, the marriage can shift. Additionally, when the wife becomes the receiver in the marriage, they can have an improved closeness. I receive emails from women telling me how they transformed their marriages, while the wife worked on the marriage single-handedly, even while the husband wasn’t interested to change.
Rabbi Jacobson: It’s a difficult and challenging situation when a husband doesn’t want to put in any work, when the husband is in a state of denial or cluelessness, or perhaps stuck in insecurity, or sadness, negativity, depression, or trauma. In those circumstances, a wife is still not a victim for eternity. A woman has strength, power, & resilience to inspire her husband and to turn him into an extraordinary human being. In an ideal situation, there is a partnership between the husband and wife, as well as the hard work of two people who can share their pain, their hopes, and their yearnings. If a husband is stuck, the right person with the right perceptiveness and sensitivity would be able to listen and to empathize and could get the husband talking and involved in transforming the marriage.
Question from a Caller: What if a husband is fine and complacent, but the wife is feeling discontent in the marriage?
Rabbi Jacobson: Can a husband really feel complacent if his wife is discontent? Is the husband living on a different planet? Did the husband give up on the marriage? I don’t know if the husband is so complacent unless he’s a computer and he’s not human. If the wife is frustrated, it must affect the husband as well. I would need to know more about the situation.
Leah: The wife has the power. Perhaps the wife is not nurturing her husband enough to get him to speak. It could be that the wife needs to guide her husband to open up. If her husband is a computer, then she has to work with a computer, which means it will be more work for her, but it can be done!
Rabbi Jacobson: Sometimes situations arise where there is a personality disorder or trauma, and that is creating real paralysis. The husband could be suffering inside and not even realize how much he is suffering. The wife may need tools to help her husband, which she cannot be expected to have. In those instances, the husband may need marital counseling or other outside interventions, to bring him back from his comatose state. Sometimes women suffer too much and are told to just be in a better mood or make better food, and to not blame themselves or complain.
Leah: It often takes an enormous amount of effort for me to show women that there’s always something they could do to make their marriages better, such as to be nicer, to compliment more, etc. What would be the tools to give to a strong woman who wants an extraordinary marriage?
Rabbi Jacobson: Barring these 3 situations, the rules change: 1) Mental illness 2) Personality disorder 3) Serious trauma. Acknowledge these instances and realize there is help. However, the spouse who is struggling needs to take complete responsibility for getting the help they need. Other situations don’t fall into these very extreme categories. To just say that men are clueless, I don’t find that to be helpful. There is a mutual dynamic at play. There is energy which comes from the husband which the wife experiences, and there is energy which comes from the wife which her husband experiences. G-d dwells in the space a husband and wife create for each other, in the exchange between them. Are they looking at each other (like the cherubs), what are their conversations like? Does the husband know how to listen to his wife? Does the wife know how to listen to her husband? Is the husband and wife communicating with each other? Is there a bond and a sense of trust between the husband and wife? If not, how can that be healed?
Question: Can we makeover someone who has deep mental issues or is an addict?
Rabbi Jacobson: We cannot make over someone with deep mental issues. We should not become enablers. We can encourage and inspire our husbands. The one who is struggling needs to take responsibility for challenges, which really are opportunities.
Question: How can a wife inspire her husband who is suffering trauma?
Rabbi Jacobson: A wife can say to her husband, “I believe in you. Your neshama is larger than any challenge you have. Your trauma doesn’t define you; you define your trauma. You were created in the Divine Image, your soul is a piece of G-d, which means it’s infinite. If a soul is infinite, it means it can contain much pain. You should not become a victim to your pain. You should define your pain. It’s painful and you want to run away and go into loneliness. You are suffering.”
I was talking to a man yesterday, who has a heart of gold. He has lots of challenges in his marriage and suffers from anxiety, he’s self-conscious and second-guesses himself and questions if people like him. He has social anxiety. For some people, even meeting someone in the street or receiving a telephone call is a psychological or emotional burden. and endless anxiety, https://holisticdental.org/ambien-treat-insomnia/. What can a wife do? She cannot take responsibility for this person, but can be there for him. She can say, “Your divine soul is larger than all of your trauma and all of your pain. You can create space for it and then transcend it. You must take responsibility and cannot blame your spouse for your trauma. Take accountability and get the help you need. I will be here to empower you, I believe in you, I love you, I cherish you, I see your beauty and your greatness, and I know that as much as I’m suffering, you’re suffering much more. You don’t deserve all this suffering. Identify your pain and don’t blame the world.”
Question: How would you even do a marriage makeover in the midst of Covid-19? I’m trying to get through the day!
Rabbi Jacobson: One of the most beautiful teachings of the Baal Shem Tov is that creation happens every moment and that G-d didn’t just create the world and leave it. G-d is teaching us that we can tune into the power of now, so we don’t have to keep following the same script in our marriages as 40 years ago! We can access all new files and the possibilities are endless! A new day brings new energy and new opportunities! Attitudes need to reflect that you’re not a victim of circumstance. With each situation, your soul can shine! Right now you can make a choice that when you receive a text from your husband, to respond with freshness and creativity. Know who you are, a child of G-d, an ambassador of G-d! When you address it from that angle, you can cry from pain, without getting stuck in it!
- Here are practical suggestions:
- It’s important to have conversations with your husband. Even though it’s the times of Covid, you can still take a walk. Do not bring your phone.
- Remember that marriage is a relationship that is inherently unstable. There is no such thing as living happily ever after. Man and woman are compared to water and fire, which are different properties and have different identities. Marriage is not the same relationship as siblings, where you can feel natural reconvening after months of not talking. Your marriage must be worked on or you will drift away from each other. You consciously and constantly have to put your hearts and minds into creating the kind of special marriage it is capable of becoming. Don’t expect marriage to flow on its own. Both the husband and wife need constant reconnection and must know that each has each other’s backs, which doesn’t mean agreeing all the time. Divine presence allows the husband and wife to come together, and that needs conscientiousness, as well as humility. In marriage, each gesture, no matter how large or small, which includes each conversation and text message, has the ability to bring the husband and wife closer or to distance them. Marriage can create the miracle of oneness through caring.
Question: If the wife tries to improve the marriage on her own, will the husband eventually follow suit?
Rabbi Jacobson: We are adults who are married to adults. Everyone is responsible for their own lives. The real downfall of Adam HaRishon is that he blamed Chava. The issue here is not making mistakes, but it’s playing the blame game. Don’t be perfect; be accountable. When you make a mistake, do not run away. Your identity cannot be completely defined by another person. If you have a relationship with yourself and with G-d and live life to the fullest, living true to your soul, you can then create positive energy, thus helping your husband to find his light.
Question: What about a controlling husband?
Rabbi Jacobson: There are husbands who are extremely controlling. Sometimes it’s liveable and sometimes not. The ideal option is to get your husband into a room and have a conversation with him. You can ask your husband what he’s scared of, if he trusts you, and if he suffers from trauma. Sometimes a husband can be in denial or be too messed up to deal with it. Sometimes a wife has to ask herself serious questions, such as, can she still live normally and celebrate life in this situation? Can the wife learn to live with this husband, acknowledging his flaws but not falling into his traps? Can she still live an enjoyable and meaningful life? Can she see her husband’s virtues or not? Every wife in this situation has to identify and examine the pros and the cons and how best to handle it. Some people are so controlling and it’s so choking, that there’s no space to live. Options must be explored. Is the husband ready for accountability? Is the husband ready for growth, even slow incremental growth? If not, the wife must ask herself if she can deal with it. Sometimes a wife can manage to present these issues in a way that will bring out good in her husband. You cannot take responsibility for a control freak. The problems must be acknowledged and one must ask what the best way to live under those circumstances are. Don’t be a doormat. Don’t become the victim and blame yourself.
Sometimes people hear about a Rabbi or a Therapist and agree to seek advice from them. However, they’re no different than the example of doctors. Some doctors are excellent and some are not, and it’s the same with Rabbis and therapists. Some Rabbis are well-trained in this area, but sometimes they lack expertise in this area. It’s very important to be educated about therapists. You’re not the victim of your therapist. Generally, if your marriage therapist isn’t helping you, don’t be afraid to halt and seek out the right marital therapist. I know a woman with nine children who sought marital therapy without her husband present. The therapist diagnosed the husband with narcissistic traits and encouraged the woman to stand up to her husband and not let him get away with anything. That therapist never met the husband, so how can she say that about him? Especially to a woman with nine children! Maybe divorce was the right option, but maybe it’s life and death! Don’t allow big titles to ruin your life when it’s unnecessary. People aren’t G-d and if they’re not helping your marriage, it’s time to move on! A therapist once told me the biggest compliment he was given was that the husband he worked with never felt he took the wife’s side, and the wife never felt he took the husband’s side! A therapist must listen and understand how to help a marriage, not to pit one spouse against the other! When you’re in a marriage, you’re not a separate person, you’re 1 person together! Every interaction in marriage is an opportunity to enhance your relationship with each other.
- 2 practical ideas:
- In a bad marriage, one knows what the wife may be thinking and what the husband may be thinking. In a good marriage, one doesn’t know what the wife is thinking and the wife doesn’t know what the husband is thinking. Learn to be curious and ask each other, even though you may be married a very long time.
- Instead of talking to your husband about what he did, talk about how you feel. Use “I” messages. By saying, “I just want to tell you how I feel” allows you to express yourself without blame. When both parties can do that, it creates a loving and trusting dynamic in marriage.
Homework: One time this week, do not blame your husband.
Join Rabbi YY Jacobson at theyeshiva.net!
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