Question: Why is the divorce rate suddenly so high?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: The stigma of being divorced has gone away. I’m not suggesting the loss of stigma is the reason the divorce rate is so high, but it’s an obstacle which has been lifted. It doesn’t seem like people work as hard as the last generation did to stay married. Some of these marriages could be saved. When people come to see me at Beis Din, I ask them if this is their final decision. By hearing how the couple answers that question can shed light on if the marriage can be rescued. It cuts both ways: since divorce lost its stigma, more people opt out of abusive marriages and faster. In bad marriages, the Torah believes there is a solution which is called a Gett (divorce), and in certain cases, it’s actually a mitzvah. However, G-d cries for a marriage which could have been saved but wasn’t.

Question: How do you know when a marriage is able to be saved and what can you do to save a marriage?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: To save a marriage, therapy is needed. Rabbis are limited in the amount of time they can give to each couple. When a couple gets married, they have seen something positive in their spouse to have decided to commit to each other and set up a home together. Possibly, the positive characteristic they initially saw still exists, and each spouse should focus on that. My personal conclusion is that communication in many marriages is a problem. If a married couple doesn’t take care of communication when marriage problems are small, then they become even bigger marital issues later on. People get divorced after 35 years of marriage, because the children were only a distraction for them. Husbands and wives are preoccupied being parents for many years and when they have an empty nest, their marital problems are magnified if they didn’t put in the work all those years. During the Covid-19 lockdowns, marriages were put to the test concerning the ability for husbands and wives to constantly be communicative with each other. We were all taught marriage is about compromise, but people could be immature and even selfish. Some men have a hard time saying, “I’m sorry,” so we teach them to say, “You’re right.”

Question: Since you see the ugly side of marriage, what golden nuggets of wisdom can you give for us to avoid that?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: R. Avraham Twersky believes people who are contemplating getting married should have mandatory marital sessions. People base their views about marriage on their own experience of what kind of marriage they saw their parents have.  We need young adults to be talked to about marriage, so they have a realistic expectation of what to expect in marriage. Marriage is like a flower; you must water it each day or it withers.

Question: I had a call last week from a woman whose father was stricter than her husband in Jewish law. This wife was in pain because her husband doesn’t understand her. Our tradition says that a wife should follow her husband’s customs. This wife is going through such anguish each day because she feels she is right and her husband is wrong. How do we get through to people who are stuck in their perspectives?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: I would say not to sacrifice a marriage over religious customs. If a marriage is otherwise healthy, then do whatever you can to compromise, even if it means just eating potatoes during Passover. Customs are easier to change than different cultures. I would even say to avoid marrying outside of your culture if you can.

Sarit: There’s a flaw in our culture where girls are being brought up very educated and strong-minded, and they become wives who are not at all dependent on their husbands.

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: A wife can be so accomplished and that shouldn’t be a conflict. A wife and a husband are not in competition.

Question: Can you share more advice with us about marriage?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: Don’t give up on marriage so fast. Don’t ever introduce the word “divorce” into your home. Once the word “divorce” is used, it can percolate in the other spouse’s mind and the dam is broken. When people come to see me, I ask if the husband and wife had marital counseling and how long it lasted for. If husbands and wives invested more time and money into saving their marriages, many more marriages can be saved. There are many new problems that arise after a couple of divorces, which are unforeseen. There is a half-joke that after the married couple just divorced, the husband tells his ex-wife that she would make a good second wife. That is because all of the issues of this marriage are already known. Additionally, there are custody battles, communication with children is affected, and everything is sliced in half, including all the assets. In a messy divorce, there are phony accusations. I receive phone calls from people who are considering getting married to a divorced person. I am asked how the marriage ended and if they’re difficult people. Divorce is not simple and rosy. There is a bad and ugly side to divorce, and we want to avoid it as much as possible.

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: The word, “Shalom” means peace, but it means more than “no war.” Peace in the home is a feeling of wholesomeness, a state of tranquility, and of not having worries.

Question: Marriage counseling takes time and sometimes either the husband or the wife doesn’t want to put in the time which is needed to improve their marriages. Can you give us a take-home message?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: People should improve their character traits, which is an obligation and if husbands and wives took that seriously, problems in marriage would fade.

Question: How much does the Rav see social media as playing a role in divorce?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: Social media is more widespread than we know. Men, more likely than women, go to the wrong places on the internet and there is explicit material that is destructive. Many are internet addicts. Lots of people cannot be without their phones. The kind of phone someone has should be a shidduch question! There was a candidate for conversion, and at the last moment, I was alerted to what they posted on their Facebook account, which was improper.

Question: What does the Beis Din do if a marriage is fixable? Do they direct the husband and wife somewhere else? What is being done to educate men?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: There was a couple who came to me for a divorce, which for both of them was a second marriage. I saw them arguing with tears. I took the husband aside and told him that he didn’t have to get divorced right now, that it could wait till next week. If I sense a marriage is salvageable, I’ll tell them there’s no rush. Once a married couple mentions the word, “divorce” or takes any action towards divorce, they have destroyed a bridge.

Question: When a couple comes to see you to get a divorce, do you demand they go for marital counseling?

Rabbi Nissim Davidi: We don’t have the authority for that. By the time the husband and wife come to Beis Din, they’re in their latest hour. I would call the Rav of the couple, who could tell me if there is hope for the marriage & if they’re being guided to marriage counseling. Rabbis do talk about how to have good marriages to the men at shul. Rabbi Twersky suggested it would be a good idea to speak to high school-aged teens about marriage, but there is no system in place for that now.

Leah: The bottom line is don’t give up on your marriage too early. You do have the power to try to improve your marriage, even by making one small change.

Homework: Think about what it was that connected you with your husband when you first married him. Think about what the character trait was that your husband has that attracted you to him.