Do you feel like you keep making mistakes in your marriage, and you’re not even sure what they are? Do you wish there was a signpost to help you avoid those roads to unhappiness?
In this episode, Leah talks to Rabbi Menachem Nissel, renowned lecturer, author and columnist, to help you avoid common pitfalls with these … 7 Marriage Habits to Avoid!
Habit #1: Lack of Shared Goals
Marriage is about forming a committed bond with a mission to change the world in our unique small way. Each couple has a different shared vision of what they want their home to look like. It may evolve over time. It doesn’t have to be super specific, but it should be clear that there’s something you both stand for as a unit.
Habit #2: Not Allowing for Differences
Whether it’s personalities, backgrounds, interests- differences make things exciting! Recognize the differences. Be curious about them. The more you do this, the more you’ll enjoy finding out more about your spouse’s uniqueness. Curiosity is the foundation of love.
Even though differences require more work to avoid conflict, the work you do will bring you even closer than you were before. This goes as far back as the matriarchs and patriarchs. Avraham and Sara (Abraham and Sarah) had opposite character traits as did Yitzchak and Rivkah (Isaac and Rebecca). They made it work and built the entire Jewish people.
Tune in at 20:26 for a true story from Rabbi Nissel illustrating this point!
Habit #3: Having Love Without Respect
Respect means really listening and hearing the other person’s perspective.
Rabbi Nissel explains this so beautifully at 23:36!
Leah interjects: So many women feel like they’re not getting respect and they’re not being heard, and that makes it harder to listen to and respect their spouse. What do you suggest for them?
Rabbi Nissel responds: Relationships work like a mirror, so if you focus on your job and do it to the best of your ability, with time and patience (and even more time and patience), it will come back to you. In a tough moment, try to freeze in your mind the initial days of your attraction and what drew you to each other.
Habit #4: Not Making Decisions as a Team
Slowly talk things through at a calm, private time: really hear each other out and think things over. One of you will have to give in sometimes even on important things, which takes tremendous strength.
Habit #5: Keep the Home Holy
Home is not just a place of fun and laughter (although it should be that too!). It must have an atmosphere of holiness as well. The mezuzah on your home is a symbol of what it stands for.
It is your microcosm of the Tabernacle. You are creating something eternal, and the environment should reflect that.
Habit #6: Not Having Private Moments
The Tabernacle is a prototype for a healthy marriage — it had a Holy of Holies: A special private room. Date nights, private vacations WITHOUT phones or work or even family. Asking how was your day should be showing genuine interest in their experience of their day. Not just a list, but their perspectives and feelings. Try to be specific in your questions.
Habit #7: Never Stop
There is always more work that can be done to make your marriage even more special. We can’t take anything for granted.
Rabbi Nissel clarifies this as only he can at 48:08!
Try This at Home
When you ask your husband about his day, think of specific questions to ask that will show you really want to experience their day through their eyes. This can really supercharge closeness!
Press the arrow on the bottom right to scroll up to watch the show!
Additional Links:
- Check out Rabbi Nissel’s YouTube channel here!
- Check out his book Rigshei Lev: Women and Tefillah!
