Do you know that things you’re doing to try to help your relationship might actually be making things worse? In this episode, Leah talks with prominent educator Rabbi Chaim Trainer about 10 relationship myths and how they could be damaging your relationship with your spouse and with your kids- and what to do instead!

10 Relationship Myths

Myth #1: Let it Go

Don’t hold it in, talk it out. Peace doesn’t mean not fighting- it means no bad feelings between one another. We avoid or eliminate bad feelings by talking it through, because:

• Many times, it’s a misunderstanding.
• You are giving them an opening to apologize.
• You are making them aware of an issue so it can be avoided in the future.

When talking it out, bear in mind:

• People are generally decent. If they do something that hurts us, there may be something else going on that you’re unaware of.

Viewer Question: Many times when we bring up something that bothers us, the other person doesn’t take it well…

Rabbi Trainer: There’s a right way and a wrong way to criticize and correct someone:

Step 1: Say in a low, calm voice PRIVATELY, how you specifically want them to act in the future (NOT “this dinner is repulsive to me” say “in the future, do you mind using less salt in soup. I would really appreciate it.”)

Myth #2: Use “I” language

If you did Step 1 above several times and it didn’t work, THEN Step 2 is to use “I” language. (“I can be really sensitive to salt, so it’s hard for me to eat something that has more than the smallest amount of salt.”)

Myth #3: If I prove I’m right, we’ll have peace

Even if you don’t think it consciously, many people believe that if only they can make the other person see the truth, it will bring peace. All it does is prolong the conflict and create further negative feelings.

Imagine there are 2 boxes in front of you. On one it says ‘peace’ and on the other it says ‘who’s right’. If you open Box 1 you’ll have peace, but never know who’s right. If you choose Box 2, you’ll know who’s right but never have peace. Isn’t it an easy choice?

Viewer Question: My spouse is always getting into fights with community members and telling me about them and I don’t know how to respond.

Rabbi Trainer: First listen empathetically. When you want to help someone change, you need to make it as small as possible and as easy to fix as possible. Say, “What do you think would have happened if you would have nodded and kept quiet?” in a way that’s asking his opinion, not telling him what to do. If he responds the way you want, don’t say anything else.

Myth #4: He was wrong, so he should apologize first.

The other person thinks the same thing, so there will never be peace. In almost every conflict, both people have something to apologize for, even if one is 95% in the wrong and the other only 5% in the wrong. Find something, however small, to apologize for. It will often lead to his apology, and the conflict is deflated.

Viewer Question: If you haven’t been handling conflict properly, how do you reset the mentality in your home?

Rabbi Trainer: Slowly, step by step. You need to get familiar with a new way of talking. When you start talking this way, the other people in your family will start picking it up too.

Viewer Question: What if your spouse apologizes, but there’s always a “but” that undermines the sincerity?

Rabbi Trainer: It’s very hard to apologize when you’re not in the habit of it. The fact that they said “but” doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not sincere- they may just be trying to save face, in which case you should let it go.

“But” comments deal with the past. Turn it around to the future. If he says, “I’m sorry I lost my temper, BUT you never have dinner ready on time.” Turn it around: “Would you like me to have dinner ready at 6 in the future?” or “I can’t have dinner ready at 6 because I’m still in the middle of homework with the kids. If you do the homework with them in the future, I can get dinner ready at the time you’d like.”

Myth #5: If someone bothers you, just ignore him.

Words can hurt even more that sticks and stones. Try talking to the person, try finding a 5% to apologize for, try every single Shalom Secret you can before you try to let it go.

Viewer Question: Does peace take precedence over everything?

Rabbi Trainer: There are times when peace is not the answer. That’s why there are times we are obligated to go to war or punish an evildoer. But the majority of the time, peace is paramount. Peace is the source and vessel for all blessing. There are countless Torah and Talmudic sources for this.

Myth #6: We need a Bully Prevention Program.

This approach is not effective. What defines bullying?  Was that aggressive or repetitive enough to qualify?

There needs to be a fundamental message in your home or school that hurting someone’s feelings is 100% prohibited. We may not say or do anything that might hurt anyone’s feelings. This is an absolute value.

Myth #7: How would you like it if someone did that to you?

Whether you would mind if someone did it to you or not is irrelevant. Do you think that person feels hurt by what you did? If you’re even a little unsure, don’t risk it. If you weren’t sure if there’s poison in a drink, would you risk serving it? Change your focus outwards, to how the other person is feeling and being affected.

Leah: How do we grow it in ourselves to always take the other person’s feelings into consideration?

Rabbi Trainer: It’s a lifelong quest to try to improve daily. Sometimes it’s easier to catch ourselves after the fact, which will eventually lead to catching ourselves before we do it.

Viewer Question: What if empathy doesn’t exist in your spouse or child and they can’t imagine how someone else feels?

Rabbi Trainer: If it doesn’t come naturally, we need to be very patient and not assume they understand any of your feelings. You need to really spell it out. This is a time to use “I” language. Often people aren’t sel-FISH, just self-CENTERED, and can be taught.

Myth #8: Kids just need to be taught that fighting is bad and eventually they’ll stop.

Kids know fighting is bad. Kids fight because they don’t know how to resolve conflicts any other way. Don’t say not to fight, teach them how to resolve conflict productively.

Myth #9: You need to make a list of unacceptable behaviors so kids know what not to do.

You will never be able include everything in your list. The only thing you need to teach them is to ask themselves: does this make the other person feel good or bad?

Viewer Question: What if you teach the kid this rule and they still try to justify their behavior and stay on how they feel and not the other person?

Rabbi Trainer: Let the kid calm down so they’re ready to hear it. Then I say, “that’s a great point, and I’d be happy to discuss it with you a different time. For now, let’s stick to the topic and focus on what YOU did.”

Myth 10: If I give in, it means I’m weak.

In Ethics of Our Fathers it says: Who is strong? One who overcomes his Evil Inclination. In other words, someone who is strong-willed. Is it easier to keep arguing or to give in? Arguing is much easier, so the real hero is the one who does the super hard thing: giving in.

Try This at Home

Implement a rule in your home: we may not say or do anything that might hurt someone else’s feelings.

Press the arrow on the bottom right to scroll up to watch the show!

Additional Links:

• Check out Rabbi Trainer’s book Shalom Secrets, A Children’s Guide!

Also, get the accompanying Parents’ and Teachers’ Guide for Shalom Secrets (at the bottom of the page) for free with code LADIESTALKSHOW