Are your date nights disasters? Do you wonder what you’re doing wrong and how to make it better?

In this episode, Leah talks with Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier, founder of The Shmuz, who uses his experience helping with countless couples to tell us what not to do, and what to do instead.

Date night can be a real relationship gamechanger!

The goal of a marital relationship is to be best friends who love each other, meaning a combination of friendship and romance. A successful marriage can’t have one without the other.

How do we get there? It takes focusing on connection, romance, attention, quality time, and occasional gifts between the two of you. It won’t happen on its own. It needs to be a priority, and dating is key.

Leah asks, What’s the difference between date nights for married people and singles?

Rabbi Shafier explains: When you’re single, you’re trying to get to know the person, even though you NEVER really know a person till you’re married to them, and that’s a very rude awakening for many people. When the infatuation ends, the marriage begins. Married people need to remind themselves of the things they did when they were dating to court each other and really build a relationship.

How do we avoid date night disasters?

Disaster #1: Discussing family business on date night

NO discussing the kids or any of the household admin when you’re on a date.

Children are the biggest competitors for the success of your marriage. They are so important, but you connecting as a couple has to be the priority. The best way to have successful children is to have a happy home. A happy home only comes from being a happy couple. A good policy to have in general to connect as a couple is to turn all electronics off at 9:30 PM and use the remaining time for bonding.

Disaster #2: You hurt my feelings!

NO discussing marital issues or problems on a date. Just focus on connecting and enjoying each other. When a couple connects, it’s much easier to handle issues at the appropriate time.

So what should you talk about? The fact that it’s so hard to think of something is proof that you need to reconnect!

For a list of dating questions recommended by Rabbi Shafier, click here.

When you’re single, you actively think about how to keep the date interesting. When you’re married, you don’t plan and just default. This is a mistake. A little research for your married date will pay off just as much. What is he interested in? Do an activity that you both enjoy.

Click here for Rabbi Shafier’s list of ideas.

Corona was a litmus test of marriage. Was the extra time together full of suffering or joy? If it was rough, now you can choose to reconnect and reset. The more you connect, the easier it will get!

If you don’t have 3 hours a week to spend on your marriage, you will not have a successful marriage. Why is everything else a priority except that? This should be your primary responsibility. When your marriage is solid, no matter what challenges come up, you can face them together.

But what about the expense? A babysitter alone is so expensive, especially for such a long date! Rabbi Shafier tells it like it is: A three-hour date is cheaper and more fun than a divorce lawyer.

The 3 Pillars to Successful Marriage

• Commitment — Hashem picked the ideally suited person for me. He doesn’t make mistakes. If you think it was a mistake, you need to work more on #2 and #3. It takes time to learn how to make it work. The vast majority of divorces shouldn’t happen.
• Love — glue to help reinforce #1. Date night is key to building this bond.
• Learning to live together — This is often the hardest one. We tend to judge others by our own experiences. We need to climb out of our world and into the world of our spouse or we will never have a good marriage. Tune in at 36:43 for Rabbi Shafier’s vivid example.

We need to embrace our spouse as they are. We either accept their flaws or suffer. The flaws we can’t accept are usually our own strengths. Just because you don’t struggle with this flaw, doesn’t mean it’s unacceptable. Don’t you want your spouse to accept your flaws, even if it’s their strength?

Viewer question: As a divorced single, should I wait to disclose the details of my divorce, or can I just get it over with right at the beginning?

Rabbi Shafier responds: I don’t think it’s wise. Early dates are for seeing if you have a connection and are compatible. Try to find out info about a divorce before a date, from a source involved. Any information you get from the single himself is going to be sanitized, even unintentionally, because of natural personal bias. When things progress, the discussion of the divorce with the person him/herself should be about how it affects them now and how they process it emotionally.

People are busy. Making time to connect with your spouse takes effort and creativity. But it is absolutely essential for creating a solid, happy marriage. So go for it!

Try This at Home:

Schedule your date night and enjoy!

Additional Links:

To check out Rabbi Shafier’s site and pre-order his book The 10 Really Dumb Mistakes That Very Smart Couples Make: theshmuz.com/

Rabbi Shafier can be reached at rebbe@theshmuz.com

Click here to download Rabbi Shafier’s Date Night Guidelines