Does it ever feel like the only time you spend with your husband is when you’re telling him to take out the garbage, or he’s asking you to pick up the dry cleaning?

We are taking a break from Chapter 6 of Marriage Secrets to tackle some important questions, such as how to maximize time with our husbands, and more.

Viewer Questions:

Aliza: I want to go out to dinner with my husband at least twice a month to enrich our relationship and I know we can afford it, but my husband argues with me that he would rather save our money than go out to eat. What should I do?

Leah: The trick here is to enrol him and to get him excited; the last thing you want is to go out with a husband who doesn’t want to be there. Tune in at time code 1:15 to hear how to approach him so that he can hear your side! Expressing a deep need softly and putting the problem in your husband’s lap should bring success, with Hashem’s help.

Esther: Our schedules are so busy between work, learning, kids, older parents… We squeeze time to talk about family business, but not for relaxing moments together. Any practical tips on how to make time together?

Leah: The ABCs of marriage is having special time together- this breeds a warmth in the relationship and gives children a loving environment to grow in. It is crucial to find the time– even if it is carpooling together, a short walk, or just over the phone if in person isn’t doable. Be creative and carve the times out of your schedule. The connection you will develop from these times is vital. If he’s not into it, talk to him about your need and put the problem in his lap.

Eva: I like to go to sleep at 9 pm but my husband wants me to stay up longer with him at night because that is when he has the most energy. He always tells me that he has the most energy to listen to me then and wants to truly hear me but at night, it is the best time. I am so tired by 9 pm and cannot hold a conversation but I want to make my husband feel important. I do not know what to do.

Leah: That’s a toughie. If you’re able to nap in the afternoon, that may be an option (check with your physician), speak with sleep specialists- this problem needs advice and trial and error. The bottom line is that you and your husband need to find a workable solution together.

Tehila: I feel like I have a real gift for counselling people. I really want to take a course to get certified as a life coach, but my husband says we can’t afford it. I feel like a piece of me is being wasted and it’s starting to depress me, but I don’t know how to make him understand.

Leah: It’s an investment- perhaps you could try asking your husband if the money you make in the first year can pay back the loan. If you feel you have untapped and unfulfilled potential, there may be other ways to fill this need. It’s worth getting creative and exploring that too.

Julie: My husband has had several jobs over the years and his primary feedback has been that he’s an underachiever. How can I help motivate him to apply himself more at his job so that he’s more successful?

Leah: It’s not her business to motivate him, and if she tries to it’ll backfire- just like she wouldn’t want him to motivate her to lose weight! (It is worth watching the episode How to Make Your Husband Rich.) The simple and effective secret for more parnassa (income) is to show appreciation for every little thing he says and does, which will increase the flow of bracha (blessing) into the home. Thank, thank and thank!

Anna: When my husband met me, I was not a huge fan of makeup, so I was very natural looking. As the years have gone on, I have found a love for trying on makeup and it makes me feel more beautiful when I am wearing makeup. My husband does not like the looks I have tried but I love them. He told me he likes me better without makeup on. Should I just stop wearing makeup to make my husband happy?

Leah: That’s a tough one because it’s so important for a woman to feel pretty. She shouldn’t wear what he doesn’t like, but she may manage to convince him to agree to small amounts of natural makeup. Look if there are ways to compromise.

Yael: My husband really hates changing diapers and flat out told me he won’t do it. I don’t mind in general, but sometimes I’m doing ten other things and it would be so helpful if he could just get over it and see how much I need him to give me a hand.

Leah: We need to consider views of roles, and however politically incorrect this sounds- he might have grown up seeing it as a woman’s job, in which case doing it affects his self-image. Every relationship is different, but it’s something to keep in mind. Remember to pick battles and assess how important it is to you. Maybe ask him to help with something else you’re doing instead or set up a system whereby he allows you to ask him 3 times per week. Most importantly, realize who he is and the reason why he doesn’t want to, to understand the best way to shalom (peace) and getting your needs met.

Try This at Home:

One time this week, forgive your husband for doing something that annoys you.