Does being a parent sometimes feel like being on a battleground? And does it ever feel like your husband is on the opposite side of the battlefield?

In this episode, Leah continues with Chapter 6 of Marriage Secrets with pages 136-137 and deals with thorny parenting issues from our viewers- throw away your sword and turn up the volume!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• A man needs control to be the best man he can be- it’s our job to gift it to him.
• Give him the control consistently and you will ultimately gain more influence.
• There is always room to make requests- the key is to communicate softly and plan carefully.

Viewer Questions:

Gila: My husband has a very hands-on parenting approach and I feel like he’s always on my son’s case. How he’s eating, how he’s walking, how he’s speaking…I feel like my son is getting anxiety, but my husband thinks I’m overreacting.

Leah: Listen in at 5:20 to hear how modern psychology may be impacting us negatively in this area. G-d gave both man and woman different approaches to raising children; each with their own strengths and ways of handling things. You won’t lose out by giving him the control and then later, at a calm time, you can try to influence. Give him the reins in early child rearing so that when you need him at the later stage, he will step up to be the man you need.

Tamar: My parents are coming for Shabbos and my mom loves challah and is allergic to sesame seeds. But my husband really likes sesame seeds on his challah. I don’t want it to look like I’m choosing my mom over my husband but I want her to be able to eat as much challah as she wants.

Leah: This is a simple logistics issue- make half the challah with and half without. The bottom line is that the husband always comes first but of course there is plenty of room for communication and logistic manoeuvring.

Rebecca: I like to document our relationship when we go out by taking a few pictures of our food, the venue and of us. I like to remember the memories by creating photo albums. My husband cannot stand it because he says he would rather live in the moment with me and not be on our phones, even if it is to take photos. Should I get rid of valuing saving our memories?

Leah: This is an opportunity to get close with your husband in a deep way, don’t throw it away for a photograph. If it really bothers him then you must follow his will; this is derech eretz (respecting others) and would be the same if it were the other way round. If it’s genuinely vitally important for your self-expression then communicate this as there might be a compromise available.

Racheili: My daughter, who can be sensitive, asked me why her dad always yells at her when she makes a mistake instead of talking nicely. I didn’t know how to answer her in a way that didn’t undermine my husband.

Leah: Gorgeous question- you’re right- never undermine your husband. G-d gave her that father for a reason. However, the key is to understand that there’s a time and a place to have that conversation with your husband. You can never assume that you’re right and he’s wrong, but it can be explored. Look for patterns (maybe it’s always when he first comes home) to see if there are ways to solve it using your bina yeseira (female intuition).

Nancy: My husband and I recently became religious. I am starting to apply treating my husband like a king, but my mother gets very upset whenever she sees me and says I’ve turned into a subservient female and I’m afraid it’s a chillul Hashem (desecration of G-d’s name).

Leah: Excellent question. Tune in at time code 18:57 for a touching story exemplifying this. It might take time, but if you keep doing the right thing, she will be able to witness how your husband treats you as a result of your behavior. It’s never a chillul Hashem to do the right thing.

Mira: I am very dependent on my husband but my husband is very independent and has no issue making decisions on his own. I just wish he would confide in me before making a big decision, but he doesn’t feel he needs to. What can I do?

Leah: It’s tough. It’s a matter of having patience with him and giving it time. If he knows you have given him the ultimate control- consistently- he will inevitably turn to his helpmate.

Mira (follow-up): He never even tells me about a decision till after he made it, so I can’t even give him control- I never get the opportunity- everything is just done without my input at all!

Leah: This is a situation that needs a heart-to-heart discussion with your husband. Tune in at 26:10 to hear how to effectively approach this. Make sure he knows how grateful you are that you’re married to someone who takes charge, problem solve together, and remember that softness is key. Plan out your words and how you will go about it. Words from your heart will enter his heart.

Try This at Home:

This week, find one thing that your husband is doing that troubles you and find a logistical workaround or talk to him about it.