My husband married a light-hearted, easy-going girl…where did she go?

Ever feel like life happens and you end up losing yourself? Listen in to this Deep Dive as Leah answers questions about husbands who seem invisible, in-laws who are too visible and how to handle life when we are simply overwhelmed, frenzied and highly emotional. Ladies, it’s time to reconnect to the lighter version of you!

Yael: My husband is so quiet and whenever we’re around my brothers and brothers-in-law, he gets so lost. I find it so hard not to compare him to them.

Leah: If your husband had one quality, then I would understand that it’s hard when he doesn’t match up to expectations, but he has so many other qualities and it’s your job to focus on these. Maybe examine yourself why it’s so important to you. Often, we have mistaken thinking from not seeing the bigger picture. Your husband knows and feels your disappointment in him. This is not fair and not loving when surely there is so much else he does amazingly well. Use your brain to get yourself to the other side of this and imagine how you’d feel if he was comparing you to your sisters and sister-in-laws.

Huvi: I work really hard on showing my husband how I love my in-laws because I see it makes such an impact on him and makes him so happy. My sister-in-law (10 years old) often wants to come and play with my little kids. I try to say yes as often as possible, but it really is more work for me than help. Is it ok to express this to my husband or is it better to suppress my frustration and just deal with it?

Leah: Try to do everything in your power to make it less work for you logistically e.g. if she wants to do arts and crafts with glitter and slime, buy coloring in books for them to do instead. After giving the logistics side a real try, if it’s still hard, speak to your husband about how hard it is and see if he has an idea.

Sara-Leah: I’ve read your book and try to implement what you teach. Ever since I’ve backed off and stopped being a policewoman, my husband asks why I don’t wake him up anymore. I’ve tried explaining that I don’t want to be a nag, and I prefer if he uses alarm clocks, but he feels like I used to care about him more when I would wake him up. I’m not sure where to put myself now.

Leah: It could be that you haven’t sold him on the idea properly. Listen in at timecode 12:07 to hear how to explain this to him without him feeling unloved.

Levana: I’m a sensitive person and often get hurt by my in-laws comments. I over-analyze and feel hurt. My way to protect myself is to have them over less, but my husband thinks we still need to have them occasionally and it’s an avodah I need to work on. I feel like he is picking his parents over me but I also wonder if there’s some truth to what he says.  If I’m a happier wife with less involvement with in-laws – doesn’t shalom bayis come first?

Leah: Your best bet is to get him to understand the pain they cause you to help him understand your perspective. If this is done in a demanding way it won’t go well but if it’s sharing your feelings softly then he will hear you and be able to help you.

Orit: My husband never buys me gifts. I’m so fed up and feel so unloved. Why does everyone else always get things and not me. I can’t help feeling that it’s so unfair and I feel so annoyed at him. How can I get more gifts??

Leah: It’s crucial to understand that men usually don’t get this, and women are usually mad about this. The best thing to do is to buy gifts for yourself and then give them to him to give you. It sounds crazy but trust me, it works.

Aviva: I feel like I’m not coping with life, and I’m always overwhelmed and emotional. I have a lot of kids and I work. I feel so bad for my husband. He married a fun, easy-going girl and now he’s stuck with a heavy, emotional wife. He is very supportive, but I have so much guilt. I just want to lighten up again!

Leah: Firstly, you should feel so proud of yourself for recognizing this and wanting to improve. It sounds like you need some time for yourself. It’s natural to feel guilty about not being our best selves but be careful that you’re not beating yourself up about not being good enough compared to the external world. Being light-hearted is hard when we have so many responsibilities which is why doing something light-hearted might bring this part of us back. You could also ask your husband if he has ideas about how to get back to yourself- husbands have a lot of wisdom we don’t give them credit for.

One time this week, take 5 minutes out to do something light-hearted that you enjoy.