What Do You Do When Your Husband Isn’t Where You Are Spiritually?
We’re not only on different pages…we’re in different books!
Join Leah and Efrat Barzel for a Q&A where women struggling with off-the-derech husbands find comfort and understanding. From what to say to children, to how to feel respect, and how to deal with the heaviness, sadness and loneliness of living such drastically different lives. Hearing these answers can enhance every marriage.
(Ladies, those of you following this series will love the ending to the story of the chandelier.
Get the tissues out!)
Viewer Questions:
Noa (from the recent Get Real show): How do I navigate making decisions, for the kids or the home, according to my values without pushing my husband out?
Keep their father an honorable man. It’s easy to make the religious ones look big and the irreligious ones small. This is a mistake. Your children will feel it through you. If you are full of enthusiasm, they feel it in their veins, even if it’s not happening in the home right now. Deal with your love of torah, no one else’s.
Noa: What do you say to your child when they ask you why their father does things that are wrong?
Hashem created us all differently. Daddy is very clever and important but in emuna, he has his way and we love him.
Devorah: This sounds terrible, but sometimes I feel like giving up and saying: “if I can’t beat him, I’ll join him.” I’ve stopped listening to shiurim or reading books because it seems pointless me growing when he’s falling as the gap will just get bigger. It feels too much to carry, and I prefer to have a spouse I’m on the same page as.
There are times in life that you need to be patient. Even if you’re not doing a mitzva but you want to, Hashem is so big and knows how much you want it. Sometimes shalom bayis means not looking exactly like other religious women. Instead of learning about halacho, why not learn hashkafa and work on that side of yourself.
Check out Part 1 where Efrat shares her full story HERE.
Penina: My husband lets me keep mitzvos but doesn’t do anything himself. I’m so sad all the time. Can you think of a one-liner I can tell myself to feel lighter and happier?
When you thank Hashem for what you have, you make other parts of your mind stick to that part. Focus on what you have and you’ll multiply your blessings.
Adina: I do actions of respect but in my heart I feel nothing. To me, respect is too closely associated with religion, so it’s hard to find much to respect. How can I shift my mindset and actually respect him?
Go back and check in your childhood who taught you about respect. Hashem wants us to understand that real honor isn’t something you see outside. Check yourself. Is he giving you honor on things outside of religion? Can you do the same for him? For example, some people think a man who can fix things around the house is worthy of respect. But, if a man can’t build but he’s extremely generous, can we respect him through this? Sometimes we need to change our mindset of what makes someone worthy of honor.
Tehilla: My husband externally still looks frum but there’s nothing there. He doesn’t daven or learn, and the mitzvos he does do, he does with so much bitterness. I feel it’s a slow drip of poison into my home. Can you give me some advice?
Your husband is going through something. He is suffering. Try to find the root of why he’s dropping religion, where is aching? Be interested in what interests him. He needs you, not as an enemy but as a friend, especially now. If his wife is his friend, he will stay near. Check yourself that you’re strong in your own emunah. You can build a good relationship even from this hurting place.
Shiri: My husband’s appearance and actions affect how my children and I are accepted in the community. After a lot of inner work, I’ve managed to accept him as a person but how can I come to terms with this?
People nowadays understand that something is going on in everyone’s home. Talk to people openly, don’t hide, tell them what you’re going through and how you’re building your home despite it and ask for their support.
This conversation with Efrat Barzel goes into these questions and so much more.
It’s about marriage advice for women, faith in marriage, husband and wife faith, spiritual marriage advice, relationship advice, and—maybe most importantly—how to stay connected when two people aren’t standing in exactly the same place.
So ladies…
Come watch the conversation.
And let’s talk about it.
Because your marriage is worth talking about.
