I did not sign up for a needy husband, I signed up for a manly husband!
Join Leah for another Deep Dive as she addresses what to do about husbands with trauma and childhood drama and the common problem of women who struggle with husbands who are too needy. Ladies, listen in and learn how to get your needs met even with a needy husband.
Viewer Questions:
Adina: We need marriage therapy badly but my husband isn’t interested in working on the relationship. He has a lot of childhood trauma but when I work on compassion, I run on empty. He doesn’t have a Rov or friends. Where do I go with this?
Leah: You need to get a religious therapist for yourself. Listen in at timecode 1:14 to hear how to be a truly compassionate wife whose husband feels understood- this might just be part of his healing. Yes, you’re the victim to your husband’s history and the fact he won’t go to therapy but there are small actions you can take which will benefit you too. G-d gave you this challenge for some reason, and it’s hard, but it’s time to play your cards with the deck you’ve been given. This should empower you as you can affect your relationship and help your husband look after you so you’re not running on empty anymore.
Shevi: I have the opposite to in-law problems: I get tense around my mother but my husband has a great relationship with her. Do I need to distance myself from her even though the tension is only for me not my husband?
Leah: It’s nice that your husband has a good relationship with her but it’s almost irrelevant because if she’s making you tense (and you’ve tried to work through the issues,) then you have no obligation to spend time around her. You should speak to a Rov for the exact parameters of this.
Sari: You speak a lot about being soft and sweet, but I’m just not. I’m very harsh and strong and it’s something my husband was attracted to. Now I don’t know where to put myself. Do you think it actually bothers my husband?
Leah: You need to ask him. I’d assume that if you’re asking the question, you might be sensing something from his side. A person can be forthright and straight with facts in a sweet way. Of course, there are personality and nationality differences, but chazal (our Sages) teach us that we all need to work on becoming softer.
Continuation from Shevi: It doesn’t affect our shalom bayis but I’m tense which isn’t healthy, but my husband enjoys her company. So, I should go with what he prefers and keep inviting her even if I’m tense?
Leah: That’s great that it doesn’t affect your shalom bayis. There needs to be compromise but a compromise that you’re comfortable with. Even if it doesn’t directly affect the marriage, it will in some way if you’re tense, withdrawn, or feeling negative thoughts. You want to create your life so that you feel happy being married to your husband on a daily basis. If you’re not in a good place, you won’t feel this.
Nina: My husband is very emotionally needy and often dumps all his stress on me and vents all the time. Whilst I try to be sympathetic and understanding, I kind of feel like he needs to man up- I hate to admit that it makes me respect him less as a man.
Leah: It sounds like you’re saying you opened your birthday present and didn’t like it. This might sound hard, but there’s an element of needing to accept what you’ve been given. It’s certainly not easy to have a husband who complains a lot or is as you say emotionally needy. It could be that he’s reaching out to you to feel closer to you. His venting is your opportunity to show understanding and bond with him. I understand that you’re suffering but I’m trying to give you the ability to affect the situation and by understanding the psychological dynamics, it should help you to feel empowered to change things. Listen in at timecode 19:47 to hear what to do when he vents and complains. It’s crucial to remember that respect is granted, not earned.
Try This At Home:
One time this week validate what your husband says.
