Neediness gets a bad rap- but is it earned?

From appreciation to communication, the questions have been coming in. So, let’s take a break from Marriage Secrets for this month’s Q&A session as Leah answers many relatable questions.

Viewer Questions:

Simcha: I don’t mind trying these methods but will my husband ever learn to appreciate me on his own? Or will I always have to spoon-feed him?

Leah: Spoon-feeding is your lifelong job! Work on getting over resenting your husband for this and realize that this is how Hashem created him. So let go of your expectations for him to improve in this area. It will get easier for you and more fun, too! Your closeness with him will grow.

Vicky: Can I try these methods with other people in my life like my kids or my friends?

Leah: No, do not. There’s no source that a woman needs appreciation from the other relationships in her life. Getting it from other people will never fill your need and may put a weird dynamic into your relationship with your kids and friends. Getting appreciation from your husband is as important as oxygen. Focus on that.

Tori: Commenting on the women who say they don’t need their husbands – I davka feel so reliant on my husband that I feel absolutely helpless without him! Is that unhealthy?

Leah: No, it’s wonderful! That’s how it should be- we should all work towards that. Full reliance on your husband is one of your greatest pleasures.

Gittie: Can I teach these methods to my husband for him to try on me so he can feel more appreciation from me?

Leah: Absolutely not. This is not a contest of who can get more appreciated, it’s about filling your appreciation bucket. You are both too different and there is too much potential for conflict.

Ilanit: What if all the methods work well for me, should I just rotate between all of them or is it better to choose one or two?

Leah: Rotate- use whatever feels good in the moment. Some might work better at certain times.

Ariella: I think I actually might give my husband too much control and freedom. I never ask him where he’s going, who he’s talking to on the phone, who he’s spending time with and he never offers much information unless I do ask. I trust him 100%, I just am scared of being “suffocating.” Is this not healthy though? Am I being extreme?

Leah: It’s your husband’s obligation to tell you where he’s going and what he’s doing. If he’s not telling you, you can ask sweetly; you’re one neshama (soul) and best friends. Tune in at time code 12:00 to hear how to say it effectively without becoming a nag.

Ruti: My husband and I both work from home. Sometimes he interrupts me for random reasons that could totally wait, even if I’m in the middle of a zoom meeting. I tried telling him to pretend I’m not there, but he keeps doing it. I’m afraid my coworker or boss might start to notice.

Leah: This is merely a communication/logistics problem. Listen in at 14:30 for peaceful and practical tips on how to communicate such a problem while still prioritizing your husband. Also, put the problem in his lap for him to solve.

Shira: My husband has developed an unhealthy habit due to stress. He knows it’s unhealthy and has said he wants to stop and will soon. Should I keep quiet and hope my husband does stop on his own? Or should I put my foot down and tell him how uncomfortable it makes me and that I want him to stop? I really don’t want to be a controlling wife. He’s also very sensitive about control because his parents were very controlling.

Shira: Yes, its smoking ^

Leah: Smoking is a very tough one. You can’t be your husband’s police (even if he asks you to be). You can try to help him as much as you can if that’s what he wants, but he has to be in charge. Nagging and controlling is never ok and will backfire. Your husband won’t respond well to being pushed, he will respond to being supported.

Hannah: If I’ve asked my husband many times to do something and he still doesn’t do it, not because he doesn’t want to but because he forgets or gets distracted and it’s just not on his radar, should I just let it go? Because I’m so tired of hoping he’ll do it and being let down.

Leah: This is also a matter of communicating at a quiet time and putting the problem in his lap- time code 22:57 will show you how it’s done! Also, there is something which will work even more powerfully- to take care of the things HE asks YOU to do in a timely manner.

Try This at Home:

One time, do something your husband asks you to do as a matter of priority.