Ever feel like you would be the best prosecuting attorney against your husband?!

Listen in as Leah continues with Marriage Secrets, pages 275-277, and helps us switch from being our husband’s greatest attack to becoming our husband’s greatest defense. See how this is possible even when it’s hard to forgive, when you feel he doesn’t deserve forgiveness and even when you grew up seeing your mother doing the opposite! Kick off those court shoes, listen in and step blissfully into your new role.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Before cleaning the resentments away, we need to understand that us women are on a mission to gather evidence against our husbands.
• The drive to be right is a learned habit and even if it’s unhealthy, and making our marriages unsafe, it can be so hard to overlook and ignore the evidence, especially when it works so temptingly in our favour!
• Understanding the cost of this behaviour will help us change. We need to realize that we are fighting a fight we don’t want to be in and that, in fact, we value peace above being right.
• Another obstacle is misusing the concept of emes(truth). Of course, honesty is crucial but according to the Torah, shalom (peace) comes before emes.
• Ultimately, we are not supposed to bear a grudge, so it’s time to learn how not to!

Viewer Questions:

Penina: I grew up in a house where my mother really was my father’s prosecuting attorney. It’s so engrained, I have no clue how to change. Is there really hope for me?

Leah: The more aware you are, the more power you have to overcome this, so you’re halfway there! If you can manage, bring him on board by emulating timecode 05.51 to show him that deep down you want to be on his side, not against him. If that’s too hard then keep a journal of when you’re collecting data against him and be creative with ways to handle it better.

Miri: It’s hard to keep judging favourably when the mistakes are repeated. I’m not a Rebbetzin, I don’t know how to keep it up.

Leah: Do you always break habits first time? Your husband is not trying to hurt you, he’s just a human with habits. It takes work so even if you need to gently repeat your feelings, keep up the compassion and patience. Also, consider if you’re asking something which is not possible to change. But if it is, then giving people time and space to grow will bring more harmony.

Chaya: I try to have an ayin tova (see the good) but my husband is someone who just sees the bad. I kind of feel like he doesn’t deserve it.

Leah: You try to be the best you can possibly be and let him become the best person he can be. If he sees you constantly working on having an ayin tova, that is your highest chance of him learning it from you. But irrespective of that, your job is to better yourself regardless of whether it is reciprocated.

Chanaleh: Being a mother, I am often the one who understands the kid’s schedule better so when my husband tries to change it up- I know the consequences and the effect it will have on kids. How can I overlook it and do what he wants- when I know my plan makes more sense?

Leah: This is such a common challenge- listen to our show Bedtime Routine? Not! The more you’re on the same page, the better. Agree as much as possible to a schedule which works for both of you. Timecode 20:13 will help you realize the importance of closeness over a schedule. Before you’re married have your eyes wide open, after you’re married have your eyes half closed.  Also, even if your way really is right, being right isn’t what makes a loving marriage and home.

Raizy: Forgiving is one thing but forgetting is far too hard. I understand we shouldn’t bear a grudge but how do I do that practically?

Leah: Forgiveness is an action, not a feeling. It doesn’t matter how you’re feeling, it’s an action you take even if you must fake it until you make it. It’s not natural but the beauty is that there is a level of closeness and harmony when forgiveness is absolute. Don’t wait until you feel it because you might never feel it. Move on with your life. It might feel good to hold a grudge, but it feels so much better to release it. There is a joy and lightness available in forgiving.

Try This At Home:

One time this week, think about a grudge and work hard to forgive in your heart and/or verbally.