Do you feel like your husband is always unhappy, no matter how hard you try? So many of us can relate to this issue!
In this episode, Leah gets real with “Miri”, an anonymous guest (complete with voice synthesizer as a disguise), who has been married 14 years and has 4 kids. Miri grew up in a neat house, with little love or warmth. Her husband grew up in a very disorganized house, with little structure.
Miri’s husband works hard to be very organized, and it bothers him that she isn’t naturally neat and doesn’t see it as a priority. He tends to see the negative and focuses on that instead of noticing how loving and patient she is with the kids and supportive of him in all other areas.
Pre-show breakthrough:
Initially, Miri was getting all the blame for the state of the household. After a big argument just before this show, Miri explained to her husband how she just wants him to be happy, and he was able to admit that he needs to work on himself to not have any mess be such a trigger for him.
But Miri still worries about how easy it will be for him to follow through when he still tends to be a glass-half-empty person. What can she do to help him grow?
Leah points out how important it is not to give in to the temptation to remind him about how he said he’d work on himself, and to instead work on helping him be as comfortable in his environment as possible.
What does this look like?
A rule of thumb is: The same way you prioritize nurturing your kids, prioritize your husband. In fact, nurturing your husband should come before nurturing your kids (unless it’s a safety issue). When he sees how you are putting him first and trying to take care of him, it will bother him far less if something is messy.
Miri is understandably concerned about balancing caring for her husband and making sure that her kids have the structured environment her husband insists they have and still giving warmth and love and running her household on top of it all!
Discuss scenarios
Leah suggests saying to him, “My goal is to make you happy. I’m going to give a you few common scenarios of different things falling through the cracks as I work through the day. It would help me so much if you could please tell me what I should have prioritized in each situation, so I’d have a better chance of making you happy.”
This may wake him up to his unrealistic expectations, and he might learn things about your thought processes and everything you deal with that make him more understanding and appreciative. Plus, you might learn things about how he wants things done that are actually doable for you!
Solicit appreciation
Women need so much appreciation and men often don’t think to give it, often taking things for granted. Women have to prompt them:
“Sweetie, did you see how neat the house is today? I worked so hard on it and still got the kids all ready for bed on time!”
Leah’s book Marriage Secrets has a whole chapter on appreciation — Check out the book here!
Note: Leah makes no money off of book sales. All funds go to furthering the marriage campaign.
Vulnerability
It can create closeness when we can admit that we need our husbands. But it’s so hard to make ourselves vulnerable when we don’t feel safe to express our emotions. Some of us have had negative or critical reactions to our vulnerable moments.
Journal or talk to a qualified mentor about the best way to phrase a conversation with your spouse about feeling safe to be emotionally vulnerable with him.
Brainstorm ways with your husband (when you are both calm) about the best way to say something that might be seen as critical that needs to be expressed. Writing it on a post-it note with a heart? Saying a compliment first? Making a joke about it? What works for you both?
Trust
One issue that comes up for Miri is that her husband doesn’t want their kids to have screen time, and it can be very helpful for her to use it as an incentive for the kids. Her husband wants it to only be on Sunday and Friday, and it’s hard for Miri to stick to that.
Leah points out that her husband won’t feel like he can trust her if she doesn’t stick to pre-arranged rules. She needs to not only apologize for breaking their agreement, but also commit to not breaking it again. When we show our spouses that we respect them and are trustworthy in our agreements, we improve our relationships in countless ways.
Renegotiation
What if the pre-arranged agreement just isn’t working on a practical level? What if Miri (or you!) really does need more screen time for the kids?
Leah suggests approaching your husband to renegotiate:
“Honey, I really want to stick to our agreement. At the same time, I’m finding it so hard to accomplish all things I want to for you and our home. Can you help come up with other strategies to use as incentives for the kids? Or should we consult a parenting book or expert? What do you think will work for us both?”
When we prioritize our spouse and work on being respectful even in times of conflict, we will help our spouses be the happy people they can be so that we can be happy together!
Try This at Home:
Sit down with your hubby at a quiet time and bring up an issue that keeps popping up by discussing very realistic scenarios of what might happen and how to handle it in a way that’s best for everyone. Solve problems together!
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