I wanted Mr. Perfect and instead I got Mr. Irresponsible!
Join us for another Deep Dive where ladies ask Leah about husbands who refuse to chase payment, refuse to stop chasing after chesed projects or refuse to take medication for ADHD. Ladies, do the responsible thing and come learn about what to do about irresponsible husbands.
Viewer Questions:
Suri: My husband is the one bringing parnasah (income) but he has to run after his parents to get paid, but he often tends to delay it and we really need the money. He gets very upset when I ask about it. But how can I keep calm and not ask anything about it and leave it up to him?
Leah: Yikes, this is not a good situation for the parents to be so heavily involved. Try to change this logistical set up. Analyse what your past conversations have looked like- but you wouldn’t be coming to me if your strategy had worked! Try to rethink how to do it differently. Timecode 3:20 will give you some ideas for strategies that could work! Don’t forget that handing the problem to your husband for him to solicit solutions is always a good idea. Also, remember that it is your joint problem and you’re on the same team.
Shana: My husband is always helping people, which is lovely, but it’s at the expense of our family. I’ve tried asking him to cut down, but he feels this is his calling and isn’t willing to do less.
Leah: If a husband acts as if it’s my way or the highway it’s often because that’s the attitude of the wife. If a wife is more forgiving and follows his lead more, he is generally more reciprocal. Is it possible that the reason he is so intent on helping others is because you are objecting too strongly? I’m not blaming you; I’m just saying that we always need to look at our own behavior first. If this is not the case and he simply doesn’t seem to care about your emotional standing on this, then we need to get him to see how dependent you are on his support and how much you need him around more. Tell him how much you admire him for what he does and then be soft and vulnerable- timecode 10:47 will show you how.
Chana: My husband gives me a hard time about the clothing I wear, he doesn’t like most of my outfits. Every time I get something new, he makes me feel bad about it that he doesn’t like it. I have told him a few times that he can come with me and choose but he doesn’t like anything even at the stores. How can I get across to him that it is so important to make me feel that I look pretty, and he shouldn’t give me such a hard time?
Leah: If he can’t even find anything in the store then what is going on behind the scenes? This is a challenging question because is it about the clothes or is it about a certain body image he might have? A spouse should never comment on the physical appearance or body of their spouse. It seems the only way to make a breakthrough is to have a well-planned conversation to show him how his words are hurting you and to dig into why he really isn’t happy.
Feigy: My husband has ADHD but refuses to get medication. It affects his time management and the way he takes responsibility. Honestly, he’s all over the place and I don’t know where to go with it.
Leah: It might be valuable to speak to an expert or research into living with a spouse with ADHD; many people are dealing with this. It’s crucial to remember that Hashem gave you this nisayon (challenge,) so you qualify to master this.
Try This At Home:
One time, think of something that is bothering you about your husband and make a plan of how to communicate effectively.
