Do you feel like you and your mother-in-law (MIL) are constantly clashing? Do you feel like it’s impacting your relationship with your spouse?

This episode will be a game-changer! Leah answers questions dealing with real-life issues that crop up when dealing with hubby’s dearest mommy. Practical solutions, coming right up!

Rules for Mothers-in-law:

• Compliment constantly
• NO advice EVER, no matter how small (if asked, say I’m sure you can figure it out)
• Respect your kids’ boundaries

Rules for Daughters-in-law:

• Compliment constantly
• Constant appreciation
• Connect regularly

Q: I’m expecting my third child and my in-laws want to come “help”. They barely lift a finger, and on top of that make their own demands and complaints, but my husband thinks it will be helpful- what should I do?

A: Every wife has to know that she is entitled to come before EVERYONE. It says in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh.”

This even takes precedence over honoring your father and mother. You are each other’s top priority. You serve your husband even before your father, and your husband must make it crystal clear to everyone that you, his wife, comes first.

So how can we express this to our spouse? Don’t worry, we’ll get there!

Q: Our family has had financial issues in the past, and my in-laws didn’t offer to help. Now we’re in a better place, but my in-laws are struggling and want us to help them. We’re not well off and I’m not inclined to help them when they weren’t there for us. What is our obligation?

A: This situation has huge battle potential so you need to discuss it with your rabbi. Make sure you lay out all the facts of the issue. Do you not want to help because you really can’t afford to, or because they’re the ones who are asking? Be careful about avoiding taking revenge, which is forbidden in the Torah.

Q: My MIL doesn’t approve of my child-rearing strategies. My spouse says to ignore her, but it’s driving me nuts. What can I do?

A: Time for duct tape! You shouldn’t discuss it with your MIL, and she shouldn’t discuss it with you. Your husband MUST side with you over her no matter what. It’s HIS place, not yours, to make his mother understand that she can’t interfere in issues that are your domain

“Ma, with all due respect, you had your chance to raise kids. Now it’s my wife’s turn, and she needs to do it how she sees fit.”

Q: My MIL has a key to our house for emergencies and uses it all the time, without warning. My hubby thinks it’s too harsh to tell her no, because she’s a widow.

A: The wife comes first, whether his mom is a widow or not. You need to have your husband set boundaries with his mom (must ring doorbell first, etc.) according to what YOUR needs are.

And now, the one you’ve all been waiting for:

Q: How do we tell our husbands all this?

A: You’re already in the right, so you don’t need to come in guns blazing. Wait till he’s well-fed and well-rested (timing is so crucial). Tone and demeanor are so important, too.

“I want to discuss something important in a way that won’t make you defensive. I just need your help to get clarity. You are my #1 priority and I try so hard to make that clear. At the same time, I’m supposed to be your #1 priority too, even over your parents. What can we do to make this concept more active in our lives?”

Give specific examples and ask for his help finding the best way to handle it so that it’s respectful to your mother without giving in on your wants and needs. When your hubby consistently puts you first, over time you will feel more inclined to be generous with your MIL and that promotes a better relationship between all three of you.

Q: When I bring this up with my hubby, he says I’m trying to control him.

A: “I have an issue and I don’t feel confident that I can discuss it in a way where I won’t sound controlling. I need your help. What should I do?”

This is a crucial issue, so you need to find a way to get through about it. The Torah says this is how it needs to be. Get a rabbi or therapist involved if necessary.

Q: My MIL keeps taking the kids for ice cream and it’s too much junk and they come home sugared up. My spouse doesn’t get why this upsets me. What can I do?

A: If this is a major issue for you, or worse, if it is part of a bigger problem of you not being put before your MIL, you need to have the above discussion with your spouse about your wishes coming first.

If the thought of having this discussion worries you, you may want to check out Leah’s Communication Mastery course for more tools for tackling tough issues. You can also look at past shows, such as this one.  Also, think back on discussions you had in the past where your hubby was able to hear you and try and use the method you used then.

You deserve this, and you, your spouse, and even your MIL will reap the benefits when you succeed!

Try This at Home: Start coming up with a plan of how you will discuss prioritizing each other with your husband. Sensitive discussions need to be planned!