Does it ever feel like everything is on your plate and thrown onto your lap?! What if you knew that your husband actually wants you to put things into his lap?
It’s time to take a break from Chapter 8 of Marriage Secrets for a game-changing Q&A session as Leah helps you deal with your pressing issues.
Viewer Questions:
Shaina: Every time I ask my husband’s opinion he ALWAYS asks what do I think? If I am asking him, I want to hear his opinion. No amount of trying to explain this to him works. What do I do?
Leah: Perhaps he wasn’t sufficiently validated as a kid, perhaps it’s a self-esteem issue, possibly you have been judgmental or looked down on him. Or, it could just be that he is extremely nice and he wants to validate his wife. Look into his past and introspect if you have a part to play, and most importantly ask him why- listen in at timecode 04:56 to hear how!
Faigie: One of my top needs is for my husband to not take his stress out on our kids. If he has a hard day, he starts yelling at the kids for every little thing they do. Is this a fair thing to ask of him? How should I handle it?
Leah: Listen in at timecode 06:14 to hear how to communicate this need while offering to try to help decrease your husband’s stress levels.
Zivah: Our problem is that sadly my husband and I over the years have gotten used to avoiding communication altogether so that we don’t get into any arguments. How do I start communicating again when it’s not our M.O. anymore? I wouldn’t even know where to start.
Leah: Start with expressing to him what you just said! Timecode 07:57 will show you how to communicate conflict free! Read books about communication (Like Marriage Secrets!) and grow the areas where your communication is strongest first. It takes time and patience, but the rewards will be worth it!
Yael: How can I work on myself to respond positively (using H.O.T.) to my husband when he is a terrible communicator and is always super accusatory? I always get on the defensive because he’s a very aggressive communicator!
Leah: Listen in at timecode 11:28 to hear how to perfectly communicate about communication! Remember that softness and timing is crucial for sensitive topics!
Goldie: My husband loves when I call him by pet names – like honey, darling, my love etc. but they just sound so cheesy to me. Do I have to get over the cheesiness for my husband or can I just tell him I only prefer to call him by his name?
Leah: Try to find a nickname that is unique to him and cute and feels good for you to use and then run it by him. If that doesn’t work, remember that even if it feels cheesy, you are pleasing your husband, which brings huge reward. In any case, with time it will come more naturally to you.
Michal: Do you have any tips regarding making time for ourselves and for our friendships during marriage and motherhood? I find that with little kids at home, my time is so limited that my self-care and friendships have really fallen through the cracks. Is it better to accept that this stage in my life is not about self-care and friendships but about my husband and kids, and when my kids are older I’ll be able to prioritize other aspects of my life?
Leah: That is true, but you can also double up when it works (e.g. invite your friends over to chat while the kids play together). Also, self-care is vital but you can keep it simple, such as listening to your favorite music while you wash the dishes.
Galit: My husband was a lot more frum (religious) before we got married. He stopped learning and going to minyan (prayer services), mainly because he got lazy and busy, but not because he doesn’t love Hashem (G-d) or Yiddishkeit (Judaism). Have I been a negative influence on him? Because I thought the wife is in charge of the spirituality and frumkeit (religiosity) of the home.
Leah: It would be beneficial for you to listen to the series on Spiritually Challenged Husbands. It’s not productive to beat yourself up, but there is a way to start bringing more spirituality into your home. Any small bit of Torah he does share, give him your full attention and receive it fully. R’ Moshe Cordevero says that receiving Torah from him empties his hands which will increase his ability to give. Don’t worry about why he is like this- it is not uncommon- and harsh as this may sound, his level of observance is not your business. All you can do is receive his Torah as fully as you can.
Shiri: My husband has a hard time sitting and having long conversations during niddah (physical separation) time, but I learned that’s when we’re supposed to work on our emotional aspect of marriage. He says it creates intimacy for him and I feel like he avoids me during that time.
Leah: This is tricky because a man is obligated to connect with his wife during that time- but telling him that won’t go well. This is a question for a Rabbi. Your husband is responsible for your emotional wellbeing, and you can gently express your need and ask him what you can do to get the connection you crave.
Nina: I know that my husband’s spirituality isn’t my business, but aren’t we one neshama (soul)? How do I reconcile those two ideas?
Leah: Listen in at 26:05 for an analogy which will get you giggling and nodding in understanding. Yes, you can and should do everything you can to support his growth, but what he actually does is his choice and not your business. You could speak to a Rebbetzin about what you can do to help him behind the scenes, but a wife cannot be her husband’s police. In fact, when she lays off it gives him the space to grow more.
Try This At Home:
One time this week, place things in your husband’s lap by asking, “What do YOU think we should do?”
