I want to treat my husband like a king…but I don’t exactly feel like his queen!

In this episode, Leah continues with Chapter 6 of Marriage Secrets with pages 130-133 and reveals how making him your king will bring you all that you desire and more!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• Doing small actions which treat our husband as our king will actually make him become the king we want him to be.
• If a man feels safe and respected, he will respect his wife more.
• The more control a man is given, the less controlling he becomes.

Viewer Questions:

Miri: I get that equality isn’t the measure for the home, but every time I hear that the man is the king of the house, I cringe. How can I get over this feeling?

Leah: We grow up dreaming of the king we want to marry, then when we are grown up, we cringe at the idea of making our husband our king! I get it! But don’t we all want to be married to a king? Recognizing the blockage is half the battle and the other half is trying it at home. Do little things that treat him like a king. Time code 12:25 has some easy and powerful tips. Try 5 things this week- you will start seeing results. This is the 3000-year-old bulletproof plan to get closeness and to get your deepest needs met.

Sarah: What if I try to help my husband navigate, but he does not value or want to hear my opinion at all? He just would rather change the subject and not listen to anything I have to say.

Leah: This will sound totally unfair but…your job is to continue to put in the work to respect and relinquish control. Over time, he will slowly shift and listen to your opinions more and more. I understand how unfair this is but do you want what seems fair, or do you want results?!

Tali: I want to help my captain navigate, but whenever I try to point out a direction for him, he says he disagrees and swerves in another direction. I let it go because he’s the captain, but it bothers me that he doesn’t seem to value my opinion.

Leah: See previous answer- it could also be that more time is needed to see the results. Good for you for allowing him the position of captain- there is huge bracha (blessing) from this- even if you don’t see shifts in this area, your life is more blessed because of it. Listen in at 19:22 for a beautiful example showing the effects of putting in effort in this area. It’s a process, keep going!

Devorah: You said the husband needs to have control. What if he can’t control things like finances- and he says that’s not his forte? Does that mean I take over the finances? Aren’t I then in control? How do I balance this?

Leah: There is a difference between controlling and division of labor. If she is better at finances and he is happy for her to manage this (as long as she is not trying to control his spending), then that is fine. The bottom line is that when he hands her the control to manage certain areas (as opposed to her snatching the control) then this is not being controlling.

Bracha: My husband and I disagree about what media to let into our home. He grew up watching TV and thinks it’s harmless for our children. But I think it IS harming them. If he is the king, do I have to give in on this?

Leah: Excellent question and very tough, too- you may need to get a Rabbi involved. The key is to use your bina yesaira (feminine wisdom) to help him see your opinion. Take NO action until you introspect on the best plan and the best wording. It may help to journal different ideas to find the best way to appeal to your husband- always in a soft, sweet way.

Chana: What if I give my husband the control, but then he becomes so controlling that he continues to interfere constantly with how I dress or where I make purchases?

Leah: I hear the question. Most of what we discuss is for “normal dysfunction.” Anyone who suspects there may be abuse, mental health issues, control etc, please seek professional help. In most normal situations the more you give him control, the less he will try to control you. If there is a longstanding habit of her grabbing control and then she suddenly starts letting go, he may grab it for fear of losing it. But this will only be temporary until he sees that new habits have formed, and he is safe in his position.

Miriam: What if I continue to treat my husband like a king, but he still doesn’t treat me like a queen? Any tips?

Leah: There are two things to keep in mind: it takes time, and for whatever reason G-d wants and needs you to go through this as a test. Keep going, reward yourself for your hard work and don’t give up. The results will come!

Esti: What are some of the most effective ways for internalizing this life lesson of making your husband the captain and giving all control back to him?

Leah:  Great question and good job for even thinking of it! It’s very hard to shift your whole mindset. The most powerful way- according to the mussar (ethics) masters- to change the internal is to change the external. Do the actions to give him control. Memorize a sentence that works for you, for example: “Whatever you think, dear,” and say it whenever you have the urge to grab control. Tune in at 32:25 to hear how our own actions can be to our detriment.

Try This at Home:

At least one time this week, let go of control when you’re tempted to push “your way”.